I love you Augustus,
With my heart entire,
It is you,
I admire,
With all my heart.

It may not seem okay,
That you left me to stay,
With my heart broken,
But as you always say,
"Maybe 'okay' will be our always,"
So will be it.
Okay.

This is our token,
For the "third" space I felt,
And hopefully I'll feel.

Tell me, Augustus Waters,
What can I do when all I can feel is loneliness?

There was a point
when i knew that i
was going to die.
And at that moment
i couldn’t help but
think of Hazel
and infinities
and breathing
and death.
I recalled the day
when hazel was sat
next to me and we
talked about
infinities. How
between one and
two there are many,
and even more
between zero and
two. Now, i can’t
help but think:
breathing is our
largest infinity. Like
the numbers between
one and two,
breathing never
ends. But like the
person who
eventually stops
counting the number
between one and
two, my lungs get
tired. And
eventually, they too,
must
stop.

(n.)
a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that has been loved and then lost


January //
Your smile makes flowers grow in my lungs and I'm too busy taking care of the garden, pulling the weeds out for the flowers to live and bloom, I forget I need to breathe too


February //
They say addiction is a habit; kisses are drugs but your lips are rehabilitation and I keep coming back for more sessions because I need it; you're my "personal brand of ******"


March //
I write symphonies about the way a single touch from you defines the revolution of the Earth but I was wrong; it actually defines the whole galaxy


April //
My eyes are the same hue of empty, vacant, while the ocean is trapped in your eyes; there are more than meet those chocolate orbs, so let me explore every depth of the waters with you


May //
Your voice is the sound of the soft pitter-patter of the falling rain on the window pane after a storm, and the clouds don't hide the sun anymore


June //
I love the smell of books and coffee, especially with extra teaspoons of sugar and a story about looking for a place to call home as I long for the scent of belonging I only get from having you wrapped in my arms


July //
I fell in love with the way every novel I read has pages with traces of your footprints, your mark imprinted in my heart like how one is drawn to TFIOS; heartbreaking and tear-filled but it was true and the love is real, sort of like you and I; I like to think of it like that — you are Hazel and I am Augustus


August //
I don't believe in full-stops, I don't believe there could be an end to this love we have like how there is an end to a sentence; you might not have noticed that there is not a single full-stop here because our story is not ending, I'm not saying goodbye yet, and Augustus has not died yet; please do not leave me

I'm sorry for when I called
you an *******.
Even though it was my fault
and I was having a 'bad day'.                                        

I'm sorry I never responded to                                    5
that text.
When you said I was a
good kisser, but I think you too.

I'm sorry I'm short
because of hereditary.                                                 10
Because it means you have
to stoop, I to lean, for us to kiss.

I'm sorry I'm not taller to see
your green-hazel eyes.
The eyes are the window to                                         15
the soul, but I don't have one.

I'm sorry for playing guitar
so badly.
But no one has ever told me to
stop, so I never did.                                                     20

I'm sorry for not keeping tally
on the McD vs. KFC fight.
For the amounts of hits and
misses, each response had back.

I'm sorry for never saying upfront;                          25
I love you.
But you don't love me, because
Who could? Not an angel like you.

I'm sorry for not liking punk music
all that much.                                                            30
I want to understand, but 'Sixteen
Candles' doesn't appeal.

I'm sorry for not crying
at TFIOS.
Augustus was beautiful, Hazel too,                        35
But cancer doesn't scare me.

I'm sorry for not talking about
your personal crisis.
When all I feel I do is
Talk about 'The Other' with you.                            40

I'm sorry for being a
narcissist.
For being me. ME. ME! All the time,
When you are so much more interesting.

I'm sorry for being a                                                 45
*****.
For what I didn't mean to say,
That might have made you cry.

I'm sorry for being a
misogynist.                                                                50
And for hating men too. And
for all I've ever said against the human race.

I'm sorry for sighing
so much.
It's just I'm tired of                                                    55
Everything I do. I'm done.

I'm sorry for talking to you when you wanted
to talk to friends.
But being the gentleman you are,
Didn't tell me to go away.                                        60

I'm sorry for wasting your
time.
When you could have being speaking,
playing, dreaming, sleeping, living.

I'm sorry for you knowing                                      65
me.
And talking to me at all. Because I'm a spider,
Slowly ******* the life out of you.

I'm sorry for existing
here.                                                                         70
Or just existing at
all.

I'm sorry for being
sorry.
Because I know you hate it when I                       75
apologize for the things I say.

I'm sorry for living
at all.
Because all I do is drain your optimism,
And replace it with cynical thoughts.                  80

I'm sorry for breathing.
I'm sorry for writing this poem.
I'm sorry that you know me.
I'm sorry for it all.

ii.

I have heard Sia's voice
First was on Titanium's music video
Which I clicked out of bore
Second was-- There was no second time
(Maybe there will be)
I cannot remember how Sia sings
All I want is to hear
Holly covering songs
(Somehow Holly reminds me of Zac)
Holly's voice is not the kind of sound
You would fall for in a second
It is true love you will feel --
How John said it is just perfect;
Like falling asleep
Slowly, slowly, then all at once
(I don't know how many times
This has been mentioned on hellopoetry)
I didn't really read romance
But M said (not to me),
If you want to write romance,
Write it like John did TFIOS
(Not that I want to write romance
Or write anything worth reading)
And this would appear as boring
And random, but no:
I remember, M said that
Usually the sentence that begins with
'Honestly'
Doesn't really contain that much honesty
So
Honestly,
Those above (and below) aren't really the things
I wanted to talk about
(It's confusing, if you think about it more)
I don't know anymore
How many times this Sia's Chandelier
(Holly's cover, of course)
Has been repeated
(Over and over again)
I remember, my favorite before this was
Marina and the Diamonds' Teen Idle
I remember Holly cut some part of the lyrics
It reminded me of Zac
Or was it Gwen?
I really like mixing up things-
Really
I like being here
The locked door of the bathroom
Makes me feel safe
And the toilet seat
Has known me
Better than myself
It is like a mother, or an other self
Who just accepts me for who I am
It knows the most of me
How I move, cry, and smile and laugh
How I sing, how I scream
Even how I grow, how I fall and die
How I tried to ******* and gave it up
How I became me, how I am me
And not only hows but also the tiring whys
It knows
It accepts
But I will leave
Soon
And this bed and this messy room
And the hidings and the accidental leakings
And the family's warmth and their love
I will leave
Soon
Sorry not sorry
That I am happy
To leave
Soon

iii.

There is no place to hide
So **** false identity
I will soon be forgotten
So **** shame, **** filter
They say people are people
Because of their secrets
Because they are mysteries --
It's my wish to be nothing
I want to let go
I want to let go

It's hard to be a human
I am too complex to be none
I once thought
I wanted to be an amoeba
And I think I still want it
It is a lot better than to have these organs
Especially this brain
I don't like this brain
It manipulates me
It controls me
It thinks for me and without it I am stupid
When would I be free?
I want the freedom to think
Brain, don't control me
Let go of me
Let go of me

All I want is honesty
I want truth
Live in truth, breathe in truth
Know only how to
Say only the truth
**** fears
I am afraid
To be nothing
To tell anything
To know anything
When I made this account
I forgot to rehumanize
People other than me
(Not that I did rehumanize myself)
I didn't expect you all
To be so human
**** fears
I am afraid

I could write about returning to the country of my birth, I could write about a place. I could write about the chilly air, i could write about the tiny house. I could...


...instead, write about returning home. 

My home doesn't consist of rooms, no floor, no beds. No, my home had two blinking hazel eyes. My home had the purest heart. My home cannot be returned to. Dad, my home, please return to me. 

"The world is not a wish granting factory" -TFIOS

If I could return home, father would welcome me in with his warm embrace. his glinting eyes would smile.

I sit here crying, wishing, hoping that one day I, like the rest of you, could return home. 

They say in heaven, one blink to them is our lifetime. Dear father, please, blink.