i am  not your ******
nor your sister.
i do not know the meaning
of these words, mister.
except
in instances where
i hate us
like
they hate us.

a putrid loathing
sprouting from different
colored grounds
but a dangerous flower
nonetheless.

they are not just words,
they are drops of blood
spilled from the lashed backs
of our enslaved
triple grandfathers
and mothers.

our slang replaces
hoses
pushing us back
during marches
and righteous riots.

aggression
equals regression
equals deppression.

and now,
it's all our fault.
now it's
black on black assault.
now it's
fly shoes and ghetto booties.
poppin' bottles and
poppin' caps,
running through nights like
street ******* rats.

what would
W.E.B. DuBois say if
he'd seen this
backstep taken
after we'd come this far,
after reaching for stars
and dropping
the ball?

now
i love this color.
i love this color
and prefer no other.

all i'm saying is,
let us pick one day
when we put the negroidian away
put ****** back in it's roots.
no, not the movie,
don't me toby.

let us get the dream rollin'
Mister King style,
not Master P style.
no big rims, or leather seats.
none of that ****
for awhile.

i'm saying takeover.
i'm saying african-america makeover.
i'm saying,
let's take
our pride back,
like our
homeland lions.
let us make black
a taste not so sour.

i'm saying,
Black Power.

You would see her have a smile everyday,
You would see her in the happiest moods,
You would see her strong side,
You would see her brave side ,

But do you know she covers up thousands of tears ,
Do you know she hide her deppression,
Do you know she is weak,
Do you know she tries to act brave,

Do you know she puts on a show so no one can hurt,


I guess you thought she was the happiest girl in the world

Pian

Pian

The scars on my  wrists are reminders.

The fresh cuts sting and burn, The red of my blood brings me release of pain that I feel inside. The pain of the sharp and the sight of the blood, it reminds me that I’m alive. But now it just there, there is no pain just numb.

Pain

I’m not scared of death.

No on the contrary I invite it with open arms.

No I’m scared of living. The thought of life is what chills me to the bone. That feeling that I don’t live up to society's standards. That I’ll be treated diffrently if I don’t fit the description of a cis girl.

Pain

It comes in the form of a dress, of long hair, of makeup, of *******.

It does not come in the form of a broken limb or a gun wound.

It is not a physical pain. Though it can be more inhabilitating than a broken leg. You no longer have the strength or will to get out of bed. Or even live anymore.

Pain

It comes from those who do not understand

It comes from words spoken about you but not to you. It comes from betrail of the highest form. That of a friend, of a lover, of family. They talk. Thats what gives you the power to take those pills. To bury the knife so deep in your wrist they can’t take it out. To put that rope necklace on and push away the only thing holding you up.

Pain

It is the friends you push away that can’t help you

It’s the feeling of pure depression. It’s not a sickness that you can see. You don’t cough, you don’t have a sniffly nose, you aren’t pale, you don’t have a fever of 127. You are so tierd becuause if you sleep you dream but can’t call it dreaming. It’s only nighmares.

Pain

It’s not what you think it is.

It’s like a friend who never leaves. Deppression lives with you and you can’t escape it. It slowly invades your sleep and every waking second.

Pain

For me my deppression is my body

My skinny waist, big hips, and *******. From my round face to my girly voice. My shortness and my slender hands and tiny feet. My deppression is my Dysphoria. She huants me when I look in the mirror. I see it in the faces of my friends. So I push them away.

Pain

It’s feeling so loney that it feels as tough you can’t go on any more

It’s pushing away your friends when you need them the most becuse you don’t wan to hurt them if you do leave. And you consider making life better for everyone including yourself by ending it all. Those pills, that blade, the knife, or the necklace of rope makes you feel free.

Pain



No more PAIN

No more PAIN

NO MORE PAIN



PAIN

Afraid and Anxious of
Being something I'm not
Conscious about everything
Dying to be
Everything I want but wheres the
Fun in that.
Go out and
Have fun.
Its strange how I changed.
Jeers where the sound track of my life.
Knowing that many have been cheering
Lamenting of the days I should have   fought.
Mountains where not made to
Nor overcome. That what I thought I have this
OBSESSION of
Painting my way by asking allot of Questions that I shouldn't have ask.
Race that I shouldn't have joined cause I'm
Sedentary. I'm afraid to move.
Timid and Nervous. Fear is
Ubiquitous for everyone, but its Victory over me is for sure. but
Wait its not the end because I'm the stranger of
Xenization, forever travelling alone
Yearning to be with somebody. This is the end and the start
Zero, yes I started with an A&Z is the end cause I always feel
                   WORTHLESS.

Unhappiness !
Is all around me
I dont have anything to say
Anything to do ..
I m just at my sofa
Wondering what it will be like
After a year or two ..
Might i be happy !
This feeling of nothingness
Is eating me alive ...
The sad thing is that
People believe me to be the luckiest happiest person alive!
And even i dont know what it is
That is not me
That is not me
But every now and then
It comes to me

Only God Can Judge Me[Epic Rap Poem]

In the darkest days of my life
I've got days of aggression;
Unto thee
Through my heart a knife
Thy knoweth;
Not my headaches;
Thy knoweth;
Not my heartaches.
If my pen could speak..
The words it'll utter,
Would be out of comprehension;
To  thee.
Nevermind my pain;
Nevermind my deppression.
But would God judge me;
Like ya'l do?
He knoweth my heart;
Ya'l don't.
So don't judge me wrong.
Hell may burn;
In my heart;
But in my soul;
Heaven is eternal.
Wings white as snow;
Another gothic flow;
Another emcee performing a weak show
Another death of a baby,
Another ***** hitting a lady.
So lifes a *****?
No it ain't.
Just what you make of it.
Oh whatever;
Only God can judge me
So I'd rather;
Role on a snow white cloud;
Or die being proud;
Of being myself;
For ignoring ya'l.

Written by:
Austin KwAgGa Trimmel.
03:59pm, Wed 27-08-2014

in everything I do
i think about you
a part of me is missing
when you aren't there too
i know that im hard
ive heard it all before
supposedly im crazy
a challenge, a chore right to the core
but my heart is bigger
than you'll ever see
I'll never take from you
only give what you need
if all that you want
was all that I had
id give you everything
if you asked me for it
ill always remember
and always forgive
that's who I am
this is how I live
compassion is my favorite fashion
and loving is easy for me
just dont take, and not give
i too gotta live
this love feels so good, but it doesn't come free
it comes with understanding
long hours, so demanding
nights of tears, hours into years
anxiety, deppression, and fear
but i swear on all that I am and could ever be
you'll never find a love that will love you like me

Allison Kimmey had said that Nobody is fat. We all have it. Some just a bit more than others.

But me. I have too much. Im tired of looking in the mirror trying to convince myself that I am beautiful. How can I just stand there and lie to myself while I'm terrified of my reflection.

Pictures. Doesn't everybody have some. My pictures are aweful. They deserve to be thrown in the firey pitts of dispair.
Dispair. I have so much. It fills my body to the brim and flows out by my feet. Filling the room slowly as I drown in my own saddness.

Self esteem. Everybody has it. Except me. My self esteem has plumitted to its grave so long ago. When those pretty girls called me ugly. When that cool boy called me fat. Everytime I had to look at the size tag on my shirt and it read extralarge. Because I'm just and extralarge girl arnt I.

And just because I have accepted I'm fat doesnt mean it still doeasnt hurt. Just as a man who has accepted he will die still feels that cold running through his veins as if frost were replacing the blood that was spilling out on the pavement.

Every heavy step I make gives a thud sound reminding me of my wieght. Reminding me of the truth.

Hearts. Mine is sick. My heart bears too much. Now let's forget about the heart conditions it holds for a second. And look a bit deeper. Past the scars it holds from judgment too. Past the open wounds from everytime I've lied to myself. Everytime my friends lied to me. Let's go into the deepest darkest place in my heart. The core. Where it's the pride there. You know. The only thing keeping my heart beating. The pride in myself. Though very little, I still have just a bit left.

It tells me to cut. Because only the weak give up. Only the weak die. And I am not weak. I am fat, I am ugly, I am hurt. But I am not weak. Therefore I live. Maybe not the way people want me to. Maybe the scars on my leg and wrist are as ugly as me. But that's okay. Because I'm still alive.

The dispair I'm drowning in is still there, but I found an air bubble of hope. And it won't last me long. I know that. But I have the hope now. Just because of my pride telling me I am not weak. And that is why I live.

But then, the deppression that I thought I had deafeted saw me. And it said that it was never gone. It was always there. And it reminded me that I don't know how to be happy. I've been this way my whole life. It tells me that I don't know how to smile on my own. I fake a smile whenever I know I'm supposed to be happy. When I'm supposed to laugh. I hide behind the mask I made. Because I am afraid. I don't know how to smile. How to laugh. I have to fake it all and it kills me on the inside.

What is happiness. I wouldn't know. Because I am taking my last breath before I'm lost in my dispaire again. The hope is gone and my pride is crushed. What is left to keep my heart beating now?

Lies. The lies I tell myself everytime I have to look at that disgusting thing in the mirror. This is my lie.

"No one is fat. They just have fat. Some more than others."

This is how I'm dead. All emotion drained once again. It floated away as I sank deeper into my dispaire.

When deppression hits and laughter fades,stay by my side dont walk away.
When times are tough  and things are rough help me stay strong,even when its right or wrong. Always love me through thick and thin,cuz i know ill never win.