I was wandering the country
In my cowboy hat and boots
When anybody asked me, said
“I’m searchin’ for my roots –
I been livin’ in Missouri and
I’m a stubborn SOB and I wanta
Know just who I am
Want to find my family.

My Grandpa was a preacher man
From Southern Illinois,
Got a married lady pregnant
And they had a baby boy.
The lady moved away
To hide from all the shame,
And the little boy grew up and
Only knew his Daddy’s name.

Well the little boy, (my Father,
From the story I was told)
Lived rough from the beginning -
He was only twelve years old
When he got in trouble fightin’
(Neighbor called his Mom a *****)
And five or six years later
He tried to rob a store.
They tried him as a juvenile, and
Put him in the ‘System’,
Stamped ‘Marine Corp’ on his folder
Dad did not resist ‘em.

He went to boot camp near Savannah
Where they send ‘em all at first
Did the basics and the training
(The first weeks were the worst)
He went to town one evening
Lookin’ for some place to fight
Bought a bottle of tequila,
Found a girlfriend for the night
Told her he was going overseas,
That she should treat him right,
They were sweaty with Savannah heat
Her apartment was nearby,
They made love until the morning light,
She didn't shed a tear, or cry.

In the morning neither one of them
Recalled the other’s name
They shared a joint for breakfast
No blood, no foul, no shame
They exchanged their names and numbers,
She knew he’d probably never call,
He put her’s in his pocket,
Soldier protocol.
He grabbed a taxi back to base.
She spent the day in bed.
Remembering his hands, his face
She couldn’t push him from her head.

A few weeks later she felt sick, and
Went to see a nurse
She prayed that it was a cold or flu,
But expected something worse,
Her fears confirmed,
She begged her God
For sanity and strength.
Knowing that she couldn’t keep the child
So she knelt and prayed at length;
It became to her apparent,
Adoption was the better way,
But she didn’t call the father
For fear of what he’d say.

I finally found her in Savannah
She had never moved from there
Never married, worked a coffee shop
All we could do was stare.
No apologies were needed,
I hugged her,
We both cried,
And I knew that when she gave me up
Something inside her died.
I asked her how she met my dad,
She said, “He was in a bar, on leave.
He was drunk and he was handsome,
I was younger, and naïve.
He told me I was beautiful
I told him he was too.
And I’ll be ******, but son,
Your father looked alot like you."

She said, "I called and left a message,
But an officer called me back.
“I’m sorry Ma’am,” he said,
But your boyfriend won’t be back.
He was killed with seven others
In a terrorist attack.
But he left a lot of letters,
Rubber-banded in a stack.
To “Maria in Savannah”,
No last name and no address
Just a number on the envelope,
You can pick them up, I guess.”

I gave the officer my address, and
He sent them all to me.
There were a dozen letters
All printed carefully.
Your father, (his given name was Steve)
Told me about his early life
Told me what he knew about his parents,
And about the time he spent in jail.
He had stacked up all the letters
Because there wasn’t any mail.
The last one that he wrote me -
His last day as a Marine
He told me I was pretty,
Best lookin’ gal he’d ever seen.
And he told me he was comin’ home
To straighten out his life
And he asked me, in that letter, if I would be his wife.

Will you be goin’?  Or can you stay awhile?
I’ve got a little extra room
And there’s work here (it don’t pay too much)
If you know how to push a broom.
I guess that I should ask you if I’ve got grandkids,
And other stuff like that,
And I’ll bet that you’re from Texas
With those cowboy boots and hat.
Your father grew up troubled
But he was a **** good man
I’m gonna look him up in Heaven,
At least now that’s my plan.
Thanks for findin’ me and callin’
I shoulda called you years ago,
But I was scared ‘bout what you’d think
And ….  Oh I don’t know.
Sometimes I’m not proud of who I am
And all the things I’ve done
Wouldn’t want to push my troubles
On my one and only son.
It’s kinda hard to ask forgiveness from
The son I gave away,
But now you’re here, and I hope
You’ll take a couple weeks and stay.
That is if you want to,
And I know that you probably don’t
But I want to know the son I lost
And if you don’t stay, then I guess I won’t."

I said, “Mom, I’m from Missouri,
I’m a stubborn SOB
I been wanderin’ round the country
Lookin’ for my family.
And I’m thinkin’
You’re the only one
That really knew my Dad
And about you “givin’ me away?”
It’s the only choice you had.
I will stay here if you let me
I’d like to find a gal like you
We’ll make you a Grandma
And then she can love you too.”
PwL  5/18/15

he's standing by his white pick-up
she sees him swaying there,
something was off, for example, his balance
she engages him, and invites him to our sidewalk
boy staggers to our side of the street
drunkenly, i asked him if he was trippin'
she reprimands me for pointing it out
she insists that we help him
he looks terrified, or feral
we tell him he's ok
he pulls her in, desperately
she holds him, possessively
bile from his belly escapes, stealthily, from his lips
it drips it drips it drips
onto her head
"It's ok it's ok it's ok"
she holds my joint to his mouth to settle his stomach
i don't want her to because i can see the gloss of bile still on his lips
he told us his name was Savannah
it wasn't
he staggered away from us
while he walks away, she finds another circumcised **** to latch on to
after a moment of:
drunkenly watching the flirtatious introduction begin
Savannah pulling open the car door
my brain pings
she's doing the thing with her eyes to the circumcised **** guy
*******
i run to him
"you forgot your jacket, and please don't drive"
i approach him like a stray dog, trying to earn his trust
he lets me hold his hand as i explain it's not safe
he tries to kiss me with his acidic mouth
has he ever done drugs before?
"no"
where are his friends?
"i donno i donno i donno i donno"
he cranks his key into the ignition in all the wrong ways
windshield wipers start going off, blinkers, headlights, the horn
i have the thought that maybe he thinks his car is a Bop-It
"walk with us, don't drive, ok?"
he steps out of the car
"ok"
i lean into the car, finagling his keys out of the ignition
his face changes
he grabs every follicle of hair inhabiting the back of my scalp and throws me into the middle of Haight Street yelling
"who the **** are you who the **** are you"
my body bag of bones smacks down on the pavement
i've never been assaulted by a stranger, only by people close to me
i want to hurt him before he could hurt me again
but he's strong, and more dangerously, paranoid
his fear magnifies mine  
there's no one around to stop him from doing more
she's there, doing the thing with her eyes, she doesn't see me
"i'm trying to help you, Savannah"
his eyes are black
his mind crowded
that chest heaves like a rabid dog
not quite a boy, not quite a man

when there is a raging white male
who sexually assaults you
who uses violence against you

RUN

i have the keys to my car, i can just go
i don't want him to hurt me again
i want to go, i want to go, but i can't leave her
i can't leave her
i scramble to my feet while Savannah watches me
he takes slow steps in my direction

she's on the curb, talking about nothing
they stand so close to each other
i tug her sleeve
"we have to go"
she's not hearing me
"please, let's go"
she waves me off like i used to do
to my younger sister

Savannah is staring at me and in that moment
i believe he could rip me apart at any second

i'm begging now
"if you love me, come with me THIS SECOND, please"
that line always works in the movies,
but life is not a movie
it catches her attention, but not in the way i want
she hunches and steps toward me,
"how dare you say i don't love you?"
"i'm scared, we need to go"
"do you know what i've done for you?"
circumcised **** guy leave
she's stepping towards me angrily,
Savannah steps towards me tentatively,
i'm tripping backwards
"that's not what i meant, please let's go"
my eyes are shifting between them
it's 2am in San Francisco
we're yelling, in front of a bar called Zem Zem
"he threw me into the street"
she's tripping on her own feet

when there's a raging alcoholic
who questions your loyalty
who can't see the bigger picture

DE-ESCALATE

"i'm sorry" / "i'm so grateful for everything you've done for me" / "i really need to go but i don't want to leave you behind because i love you"/ ego stroke / ego massage / ******* deep tissue

we woke up in my little sedan on a San Francisco hillside
my shoulder and ribs were a bit sore thanks to Savannah
my mouth tasted like the darkest parts of humanity
she said we were both in the wrong
"it was the alcohol"

i could have left her