The truth about my recovery?
I lied
I told the truth
I was better.
So much better
a different person
truly, really,
not the me that was dying to die a year previous.
for six years the monsters consumed me
It starts so subtle.
She’s skinnier.
‘No I’m on a diet’
‘I’m a size 0’
your best friend skips lunches.
slowly, surely, the monster slips into your head.
your nightmares are living
compulsions start.
too young.
don’t eat in front of people.
one granola bar will get you through practice until home.
and all the comments egging you on.
‘you aren’t skinny enough for that..’
‘but if you eat salad all summer’
Soon you can’t look at yourself.
Soon the Monster of self hatred turns you to more
because the diets aren’t enough
so spring break after a bowl of corn chips
you close the bathroom door
and the porcelain becomes your ally.
friends may know.
but you can be sneaky.
after all, how else would you manage your size?
Eventually it isn’t enough, you want quicker results.
And the monsters of self hatred are eating you up.
you’ve grown now of course.
pushed away friends who knew who wanted you to get help.
Because this Monster, This darkness in your mind,
your only friend.
No more food.
leave crumbs and a buttered kife.
anything eaten, behind the bathroom door.
And very soon
The blades come out to play.
So intriguing how easy it is.
and how simple to hide.
What an easy release.
17 and 110 lbs, covered in scars on her hips.
I did get help.
I went to therapy.
I loved it.
I didn’t just change these acts
I changed myself.
But I wasn’t better, I was anxious
to be done with it
to be set free.
So I stopped going.
when I wasn't totally ready.
I thought I was happy..
But is that why I relapsed?
It was only once.
But is that why I still find myself depressed?
Sometimes suicidal?
Is it my fault?
It’s usually my fault so I can see how it would be.
I lied.
That’s the truth.
And
I
Don’t
Know.
But I do know
this recovery is a continuous fight.
And I just wonder
Where am I now?

My whole life I was the most talked about person there was
I was talked about by people by co workers by friends
I thought one day it would all end
I laugh and smile not to show how I truly feel around people
It not like anybody will care anyways
I was always judged throughout my life In school
And yet they still judge me to look cool
My whole life people told me I'm nothing I'd always be considered lame
So now I've gaven up on t popularity and fame
I feel there's no reason for me to be in this world
I laugh and feel sad as I wath all my cousin and brothers get girls
Nobody understands me not my brothers and even my mother
I guess that's why it shows from others
Nobody understands  my pain my kife my struggles and more
I'm an angel that's fallen that can no longer sore
Nobody understands me only because I'm different
Different by how I act and how I look
I was the kid who had nicknames still today its the same
I still have pain inside
But out of every hurt I felt it never ruined my pride
So that part is good
My Name is Louis Haynes
And I'm misunderstood