I find it sad that I've begun associating you with headaches and bad dreams more often than not.

It's like the only way to reach out to you is to reschedule the days you want to fall in love with me all over again like those days are just some sort of meeting for me to potentially become a home for you.

My arms are open like the front doors of a 5 story mansion with a small attic added on top like icing to a cake and yet you refuse to close them for good for me.

You arrive and pull open every single window and door, you turn on all of the lights, and every trinket that thrives off of my energy is switched on in addition to that without a care in the world of how much of my electricity you are wasting.

Eventually you come to the heart of the house, you turn the flame on high on the stove, you walk straight out and you leave me to burn again.
It's every single time I see you that you do this to me, and somehow I always found the tools to rebuild myself.

This time is different. This time I can't because I'm shattered beyond repair.  Being the glorious architect that you are I figure you could design the sort of place you actually wish to live in.

But you won't.
I'm not in your outline anymore, am I?

You once told me you wanted to fix me, and now is your final chance, because once I find the courage, the meaning, and my resilience to assemble myself once more... Just know that:

I'm closing all of the doors and locking them from the inside with golden keys that I can melt down into reminders of who I'm to not let back in. My arms will not open up for your embraces any longer, lover, not even if you try to pry them open.

I'm closing all of the windows and barring them from your needy hands. They will have to find a new toy to play with.

I'm turning off all of the lights so someone new can learn where the lightswitches to my soul are located, since no matter how often I moved them from you, you still knew me well enough to turn me on.

I'm extinguishing the flame that is constantly flickering between our fragile figures, blowing it out like a candle, and never giving you the ability to light me up again.

I am a female powerhouse and I belong to no one.

by now, you should have recognized my architecture
and seen it's outer and inner beauty. you should have
been the prince, wielding a heavy sword ready to fight
my inner demons as you have always done for me.

by now, it should be someone like you examining and
taking care of me. i am decomposing, unraveling myself
from my roots that keep me safe, with no signal of any
kind. you may never arrive to that point, so if you do,
i hope my inner demons are strong enough. if you are
willing to battle them even after all this time, even if
you lose to them, this will mean it was worth it.

by now, you should have battled them and even
been willing to give your life to save me. i hope
you realize my inner demons is because you tend
to focus strictly on your own in private. i hope
you realize that true love's first kiss is embedded
into my memory as if you gave me a lobotomy.

by now, in reference to prince guide books,
you should have saved me, but instead, i am
carrying a burden instead of a bouquet of roses
for me to hand off to you. you left me an empty
shell of the house i once was, covered in webs,
dust, and a mess you left me to clean up after.

- kra

redemption is not found at the bottom of
the ocean, as i have found out. all i know
of is lungs filling with watered down
metaphors that compress my chest. the
way panic attacks works is similar to it.

i have not found redemption in anything
because i thought you were some type of
celestial being sent down to me. maybe i
assumed you were god, but i didn't expect
you to flood the earth and forget about me.

you let me drown out of self defense.

i found more comfort in the white walls i
surround myself with on a daily basis because
without you, i have nothing. i have found more
comfort from people thousands of miles away
in a minute than comfort you can give me in a
month. i have accepted redemption will probably
never arrive, so i have attached myself onto her.

she is the one thing i have left as a sister, and i
would be more honored to lose her than you
anyway. i'm sorry if you are not finding any
redemption yourself, but at this point, i will
find redemption in someone more stable.

you are unstable, and i never wanted this.

- kra

it's strange how our colors changed
from analogous to complementary

- kra

be aware of the fist fights in your prison
yard because you will notice that you are
fighting against me. excuse me, but there
is no excuse for dragging me along an long
winding road and abandoning me at your
expense. be aware i am only human like you.

be aware that i have memorized in detail
the wavelengths of your shallow breaths
the difficulty of closing in onto you because
you were my butterfly hiding it's wings.

be aware that some people don't see the
marks on your back that i made, but i
realize how painful it must've been when
you basically handed me a knife and told
me to cut your wings off. i regret that still.

be aware of the love we used to share, like
my heart was a shoebox and you were an
entire store's worth of shoes. figuratively
speaking, you became a worm hole for
every sinking feeling in my chest and i
let myself drop into this wonderland where
even the walls lie to me about happiness.

be aware that somewhere a groundhog is
burrowing a hole to hibernate for winter.

be aware that you are my winter season,
and i am burrowing myself into everything
else to distract me from the thought of you.

- kra

you are a acute demonstration of smoke and
mirrors, and every time i happen to miss you,
i remind myself that even the trees with the
most amount of leaves could turn out to be
a dead tree in the middle of winter, butterflies
decorating the bare arms of the tree. even if
you are dead, you still cover yourself in gold
tinfoil & refuse to admit it's anything but gold.

you are an acute demonstration of the planet
enduring mass extinctions in these cruel ways to
die, and you manage to still look healthy on the
exterior, even when we have collided in ways
where you are the drunk driver and i was the
victim. i know you don't remember that long ago.

you are an acute demonstration of reminders
that somewhere a family is falling apart, a
child is ending up an orphan, a white lie that
turns itself into a lie. you are a reminder that
bad things happen to good people, but that
even good things happen to bad people.

you are an acute demonstration that i am
flawed, i am going through major bug fixes
constantly, and never do i find the time to
fix them. clocks are ignorant of me and cut
me off exactly the way you did it.

- kra

i doubt you've managed to realize what
you have become in my perspective.

imagine yourself as a mild virus, crawling
your way through my pores disguised as
white blood cells. you circulate through a
crowd infecting people, of course, they
fail to see a disease when they see you
blossom. they see a garden where my
blood was spilled. they see train track
marks on my skin and don't ask how
they got there. you will inflame the
hearts of vulnerable people like you
promising to make them bloom, but
sweetie, do you know everything has
to die? you tied me to the train tracks,
and tell everyone it was my clumsiness
like it was my fault that left me alone
dying on the train tracks. it was your
fault you tied my hands and feet to
the bed of the tracks. if you admitted
to the crime, you would compose a
symphony of white lies confessing of
the fault lines i crossed. if i died by
your hands, it would have been like
watching the bride come at me with
the same knife she cut the cake with.

you managed to infect my being with
fervent compassion for you, yet i wish
god gave me the controls to erase that
feeling. this animal-like hunger is not
welcome inside of my bleached skin.

- kra