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  May 2020 TotallyNotPoisonedSoup
Jiya
i want to tell you.
i really do.
i'd love to spill my secrets, my issues to you.
yet i can't comprehend it.
i can't communicate it to you.
and the fact you could leave me.
it makes my heart a tearful blue.
you already look at me as if i'm broken.
what do i have to lose?
i want to tell you.
i really do.
yet i can't cope with the fact.
the fact your presence may fade.
vanish without a trace.
except you'd still have that key.
the key that can unlock the darkness in my brain.
this poem is in honour of my teacher who wants me to know that i can talk to him. but it's nearing the end of the year and he may not be my teacher next year. i fear that if i tell him too much i won't be able to cope that next year he might be wandering around with the burden of my thoughts i selfishly put on him without being able to do much to help me. and that i won't be able to connect with another teacher like i have with him. so, in general, this poem isn't really about telling him about my issues. it's about the fact that i might lose his presence in my life and that he's one of the last things that's keeping me sane. this poem is about loss. XD sorry for the mini rant i just needed to get this out there y'know.
I thought home was a place
but because of you im sure its a person
I hope you can find home in me too
I know you won't but I can't stop dreaming of it
I always forget how much all of this hurts because of how happy and safe you make me feel
but last night I cried for you on the shower floor at 2 am, and my entire body ached with longing as I thought about how much I want to hold you
But I can't say it
When I fall asleep and slip into a dream, its a summer night where the incandescent stars kiss the darkness, and you're there with me
its hazy and warm, and you're there with me
I think I might be a little starry eyed
it hurts but at the same time I feel happy
I talk about you to the moon and she listens to my soft lovesick whimpers
I tell her you're like the sun to me so that she understands the human feeling of love
she says she can't be with the sun and now I understand I can't be with you either
warm beautiful sunlight burns sometimes
I hadn't slept or ate in days
It was 3:26 am when I cried on the cold bathroom floor
I couldn't ******* breathe
I cried so hard that I was suffocating
my throat burned and everything was dark and blurry
I cried all night and held my pillow, pretending that it was you
In the morning I shakily typed out a long message to send to you
I was in so much pain and I just needed someone to be there for me
But I never sent the message
Because I knew you wouldn't be there for me even you promised you always would
I miss my best friend and I miss when we were little kids
nothing stays the same, especially people
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