tn we are thinking abt your new gf and how, unbeknownst to me, you were already dating when i called you the night i got stood up by someone else
(i wouldn’t have called if i knew)

and how i called from a blocked number but you answered and you answered half asleep, “savannah?”
how did you know it was me?

we are also thinking about how we spent last Christmas together but it ended with us crying in each others arms because you dont want to try again and how , according to you, either way you can’t be with anyone right now even if you wanted to

and how throughout those three days, you were getting texts from her but assured me it was platonic. why did you feel the need to assure me ?

tn we are thinking about how this is the first girl you made a playlist for that doesn’t have any songs you dedicated to me first (like the last two did)

and tn i am trying to remind myself that “someone who will always come back is someone who will always leave”

red, blood stains on my hands and your body,
I’ve washed my hands a thousand times,
but i can still see the blood,
purple, all our bruised bodies, galaxies of wrath and fear,
etched into our skin and minds,
bottles shattering, bottles almost as broken as me,
our past now wrapped up in broken glass.
bland dinners, eaten in silence,
too scared to say sorry, too scared to break the silence,
and make it right again.
metal, the metallic smell of blood,
forever stained on my hands.
tears welling in your eyes, while i well with guilt
guilt, frustration, sadness
eating me away into
nothingness

I’m fatally dancing with pride
with her mesmerizing blue eyes and golden hair,
she shows confidence and grace with every stride.
staring back at me with her gleaming eyes

Her words pooling in my broken soul
repairing  my contorted mind
years of abuse healed
because i let her inside

from insecurities and fear
she created her residence
lurking in the depths of my head
she was contaminating me with arrogance

she overcame me
and became my main ally
but she wouldn’t let me be free
yet she still pulled me through

she swept up the past
and revived my life
but that gleam in her eyes
was the gleam from her knife

she tricked me to believe
she would alleviate this sickness
and i could regain myself and achieve
but she was just searching for another broken soul

it’s too late to go back
i already let her in
oh how selfish of myself
to take chances with this sin

she has already consumed me

she is the ocean
she is the sea
and i am drowning