My hands are numb
And uncooperative as I struggle to write,
"University Bapstist Church"
On this little piece of paper in my hand.
I'm earning my "Beat Mitt" shirt.
November 6th, 2012.
You bet I did my part;
All 2 1/2 hours worth.
Standing outside of Carver Hall.
Nose running. Hands cold.
Wind blowing. No sunlight to keep us warm.
But I didn't do it for the shirt.
I did it to help make some kind of change.
I know I didn't do much,
But at least I did something.
And that's a hell-of-a-lot more than most can say.

I fear that winter break won't be the only cold front that I face
The holidays will roll around and you will still need more space
I fear that it's not what you say, but what you don't
That is truly telling.

I look at your face. It's not the same
There's a certain kind of love that's missing
What do you do when your one best friend is the one person you can't talk to?
Jesus! All you ever say is, "I'm sorry..." & "Time helps"
And my favorite, "We'll still be great friends, Ashby"

You're such a terrible friend
Your advice is lacking any empathy
And your care is nonexistant.
If we don't have love
And we don't have friendship
What do we have left?
I'm terrified to ask such a question.

I've been doing my part fine
I've been staying in the lines
That go against every fiber of my being
I don't know what to think anymore
Except that you want nothing more
From me.

You don't want us
You don't want we
You just want you...
And me.

I just want answers to questions I've already asked
Shaken off and given little thought
You say you just want what's best
For me
But what I really think
Is that you are a coward.
You're too afraid to be the ******* in this relationship.
But guess what?
You already are.

I don't want always.
I just want something.
A promise to sleep again at night.
I warned you of the consequences
Of stringing me along,
But I'm still not sure that you heard me.
I promise. I will break your knee-caps if you hurt me.

Sometimes I lie awake
And go through day-by-day
Up until the moment you said,
"I Love you."
I wonder if it was true.
Or if I had something to do
with it.
Like a catalyst.
Pushing you to the point of no return.

I despise my feelings.
They haunt me.
They taunt me.
I can't shake them no matter how I try.

It's not fair.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't even ask for you.
This was all your doing.
You offered me help.
You told me where to go.
You wanted coffee.
You chose to talk to me.
It was you that wanted to play things out.
It was your idea to date me.
You said, "I Love You."
And, "Will you visit me in Oregon?"
I didn't choose to fall in Love.
I didn't want this to happen.
Because I know that things don't work out.
At least not for me.
But I let you in.
I said yes.
I trusted you with everything I had.
I dreamed of a future I never thought I could have.
With you.
Because of you.

So I'm sorry that I'm going a little crazy.
But I don't fall in Love everyday.
And you expecting me to be okay
With you saying that I have to wait,
Is the most terrifying thing.

Just remember:
You did this to me.
Whatever happens next.
Whatever hits the fan.
It's all on you, baby.
Because I did nothing.

It would be so easy to think,
"What the hell is wrong with me?"
But that demands an answer
To a question that's wrongly delivered.

It's not me. It's we.
It's circumstance.
And by chance, when we meet again
It will all make sense
And God forbid
We'll actually make it out
Alive.

We could've been great.
We still can be.
Just not now.
Not like this.
We knew it wasn't right,
But we couldn't resist.
And now I'm the one with the short stick
****** over by circumstance.
And your **** conscience.
Which makes me love/hate you even more.

I know we had to play this out.
But now I just think about
What could've been.
Even though it's not over.
Just paused.
My insecureties flood my thoughts.
Poison my brain.
With pessimism
And unwarrented pain.

******.
I wish I could stop rhyming
But I can't.
It's engrained in me.
Like you.
And your old soul.
Your books.
Your words.
Your veiw of the world.

I find so wonderfully parrallel to mine.
I wish you were still mine.
We really could've been something.

I want to do the boring things with you.
Like helping you clean your apartment.
I want to meet your friends,
And introduce you to mine.
I even want to meet your parents,
Even if they are crazy Republicans.

I want to be there for you
When you're stressed
And your whole life is imploding.
I'll be the one to pull you from the wreckage.
Sit with you.
Listen.
Make you feel like you can live again.

I want to hear your problems;
Past and present.
Pretty much,
I just want to know you.
All of you.
The bad.
The embarassing.
Even all the terrible things.
I will Love all of them.
Just as I'm coming to Love you.

Because you ruin my poetry;
My rhyming.
My ability for perfect timing.
All out the window.

I know that Love doesn't just happen overnight.
That it takes time.
But I think sometimes
You can just tell.
I don't Love you yet,
But I know that I will.

I've already pictured our lives in my head.
I don't do that.
I don't think about children
Or holidays.
God forbid, my wedding day.
But with you, it's like things have changed.
Maybe it's just me,
But I really don't think
That this is a one-way thing.
You did this to me.
Of that, I am certain.