When I was a sophomore I was convinced I had ADD
I would sit in Biology and burn holes in the teachers head with my focusing eyes
But inevitably my mind shifted like a car put in neutral
And rolled away
And when I noticed I always tried to shift back but I became so focused on putting my mind back into gear that I always missed what the teacher was trying to tell me
I took these concerns to my doctor who sent me to the woman with the magnifying glass to peer into my brain and discover why it wasn't functioning properly
To give me the right kind of medicine
But She didn't show me the broken gear shift of a person whose mind flits from thought to flower like a butterfly
Instead she showed me the lead jacket that is my depression
The jacket wasn't heavy enough to lift off with a mechanical crane of antidepressants
So this woman promised to teach me to take it off in my own
But my jacket was strong like bungee cords,
And when I thought I took off my jacket
It snapped back to me, pulling itself on my shoulders
And tightening itself on my ribs until it hurt to breathe
And people tried to help me take it off but I was so angry
So irrationally angry because the jackets on their shoulders were more like windbreakers, they were there but they didn’t really seem to affect anything
And  I wouldn't let myself take off the jacket
If they could hold their own
So could I
And so I covered it with a colorful poncho,
I faked happiness
I Pushed my lips up like a bodybuilder benching his maximum weight
with his arms trembling and back arching
I smiled and I did it so well that people didn't notice the sloping of my shoulders or the way I dropped into chairs shaking with effort and crumpling like paper
And what almost killed me
Made me weaker
I was afraid to be by myself
That the pain would be too much and
That since it hurt so much to breathe I might decide to stop breathing all together
there would be days that my legs would hurt too much to stand
so I would have to lay down in the shower letting the
water push away the pain
There would be days when the jacket turned into a blanket in my mind
It was always hardest to be around people those days  
Those days when my skin burned blue
and as much as I caked on makeup to cover it
I wondered why no one cared enough to wipe it away
I let my mind convince me that my acting skills weren’t that good
That no one noticed because no one cared
But that was a lie
I’m still wearing my jacket and it would be foolish to pretend that its
Easy for me to take off,
But with my community around me,
I don’t need a lighter jacket, because I have stronger shoulders

In 1960, the Flood Control Act authorized construction of Cochiti Lake,
A lake created by the 24th largest dam in the world
Building it cost 94.4 million dollars
And the destruction of an entire culture
The destruction didn't happen all at once like a wrecking ball hitting a wall
No, instead it was slow and deliberate
Like rust in a water system, seeping into the cracks and breaking down the pipes,
Until the water flowed into the earth to be absorbed and left useless
In the 1940’s
the Cochiti language was outlawed
Effectively silencing their culture
And giving them no way to speak without the painful reminder
That their culture was being destroyed
And their government that was for the people
Was not for their people
In the 1950’s
Indian children were forced into public schools
Where they learned about the country that hated them
And the government that would do nothing for them
They were being force fed the lie that this government-approved education
Would give them the tools to pursue ultimate happiness: the American dream
But they never stopped to consider that maybe the American Dream
Isnt what the cochiti people wanted or needed
The American Dream quickly turned into the American Nightmare
In 1965,
Construction began on the dam
And destruction began on the land
The people fought the building of the dam with everything in their arsenal,
But a small community fighting against the government is like an ant fighting a giant
And because someone decided that the native people's religion wasn't “orthodox”
They could tear down a place of worship to build a palace for greed
Who gets to decide that one person's religion isn't something they can practice?
We will shout that we are a country of religious freedom
But as soon as someone mutters about a religion we don't understand we tell them to be quiet
We will hold our hands over their mouths and tell them to tell us about their religion
In 1973 the dam was finished,
But the destruction wasn't
Developers came in like vultures to peck at the carcass of the land
Wanting to build a resort so outsiders could gape at their culture
They wanted to build a seven day weekend for the rich and a  seven day work week for the natives
As if the destruction hadn't gone far enough
They destroyed the land, the culture, and they wanted to destroy their pride
The Cochiti people were not giving up,
They kept pursuing retribution,
Suing the federal government,
and in 2001,
after many fights
the US Corps of Engineers issued a public apology
A public apology?