I need something beautiful right now
I can feel the thunderstorm outside my window
Everybody keeps changing
Things keep happening
People keep shifting around me
And I'm still standing still.

She had a family
She had a stained glass window that looked over the garden that she painted
She had a son
He went to soccer on saturdays
His friend always slept over when they won
Her husband helped her in the kitchen and did the dishes
Her husband took her had one of her paintings on her desk
She's been trying to paint this one flower just right for months now
She wanted to get her master's
She was applying to online schools, they kept sending her mail
Her email inbox started sending out an automatic message
I didn't know her
But her dog is waiting by the front door
He will be waiting a very long time
And they forgot to pick her son up from school
Her friends didn't know what to say
Book club sat in silence until someone closed up and walked out
Can you see where this is going?

My doctor asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about
After a half hour appointment figuring out how to win an uphill battle with my insurance
My medication was deemed a non necessity, so they pay for 11 pills every fifteen days
I spend those four in terrible pain
Those four cost several hundred dollars
My doctor is going to advocate for me
She has written that I need sixty pills every thirty days
And we finished and she asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about
I told her I hurt my back during diving practice, but it was getting better and I didn't want her to look at it
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." I hadn't realized how badly I wanted to get out of there.
"Anything else?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
If she had asked one more time, I would have told her how little I sleep
How I've made a system for switching my over the counter sleepaids to lower my tolerance
How anxious I am all the time
How I've stopped turning the lights off until seconds before I go to bed
How I don't feel grounded anymore
How I feel like I need to back to therapy but don't want to tell my parents
How badly I want new sleeping pills
And how badly my back hurts
Are you sure?

Your body is a promise that I can’t keep
But let me in anyway
We’ll become whole again in showers of confetti
We’ll fit together like branches instead of puzzle pieces
I will not trap you in my arms, but you can rest here

My body is a book in a foreign language
Sweetie, you have so much to learn
But I am bilingual, so we’ll take it one page at a time

Here, it’s like there’s too much gravity
We’re going to condense into the black hole of each other, entirely by accident
But you can’t hold me down
In space, there is no direction and this could be endless

It was strange and sickly sweet to feel infinite
But there you were, standing between two mirrors, stretching on forever
I tried to understand, but we moved in slow motion
The walls collapsed inward, and we didn’t even notice

So deconstruct my body, just to make it whole again
Be a sculptor, mind like a palace
Heart unbuttoning
Fall like clothing to the shower floor

You have been singing for your entire life
So teach me to listen
Teach me fo fall apart in perfect harmony

I keep hearing that God is a woman
They say it like an argument, as if I need to be convinced that I can transcend my body
As if I had been taught that I was confined by long hair and barbie dolls
As if I ran away from boys on the playground
They tried, and they failed

This time, I’m going to save you
Because she took the boots off of her chest and put them on
She took his hands out of her hair and cast them off
And she is like an atom bomb
But you, are sacred

If I hadn’t fallen in love with you,
I would have been the first girl to kiss a boy in kindergarten

My hair was like a river draped over your shoulder
You kissed me so that I wouldn’t drown in it
But I sank deeper
Because love fell halfheartedly like a dress ruined in a rainstorm

If you wanted this to be a love story, I’m sorry, but you’ve started at the end

We grew up assuming we couldn’t sleep
We had this aching, this burning passionate desire to be different and that made us just like everybody else
So now it’s 11 at night and we’re all doing the same exact thing

Screens bright,
“Hey, are you up?”
“How have things been?”
“Do you ever feel like you’re missing something?”

We never bothered to try laying down and closing our eyes
In a world full of shining stars and special snowflakes, we couldn’t stand being the one house with the lights out

When I left, I wasn't sure you were really gone
I couldn't understand how to disconnect
You weren't a lamp I could unplug
But you somehow felt like a switch I just turned off one day
I can't find the switch in the dark
Maybe I smashed the lightbulb or ripped out the wires
This hurts... like my knuckles have been bleeding
Like knowing you somehow continued, my heart didn't pump your blood
Everything we said about love crumbling out into the desert you've never seen
I don't know why, that's not a fair question
I clenched my teeth against the wind, because I can still feel you
No matter how long, or how far

I've read over the messages,
Looked at the pictures,
Cursed myself for believing in you
But we have to hold on to something, right? And whether that ledge is concrete or shale... it's something
You aren't a thread flowing through my life
You're a stain, ground in to one spot, and the colour is beautiful
But you don't belong there,
Simple as that.

Every day I don't hear from you
It's like a bullet in my heart
How many bullets
Until my heart is made of lead?
I don't want to leave with a heavy heart.
I just want to see you tonight.

Beat up,
Run down
Wild little girls
Finally coming home
To leave again