I got tired of waiting for you everyday
And I'm sorry that I walked away
But you almost never come,
So why should I keep waiting?

Strange
The lockers don't matter
My body doesn't matter
But here we are
I left my hair down because you said it was ****, and now your fingers are tangled
But it doesn't matter how long I spent in the gym this week when your eyes are closed
I do not feel pretty held up against the hallway outside of class

And we brace ourselves against anything and everything
All of my muscles are tensed against your body
My spine is straight against the wall
I didn't know I was capable of that kind of starkness
The inability to collapse
Of all things, you are not gentle

All of my nervous habits dissipated into your saliva
I don't know where to put my hands
You seem so practiced
I wonder if I taste like every other girl
I wonder if the mud from my shoes mixed on the spot that I'm standing with everyone else's
Or maybe you took them somewhere new
I knew that I wasn't special as you tugged on my kidneys
You couldn't even drag me into a bathroom stall
We were in the hallway
We were picked up on three security cameras
But of course, we both know that
"Nobody was watching"

Things are quiet here
I'm not sure I noticed when you left because my mind was so engulfed in how to get away
It's hard to feel empowered when you've submitted yourself to becoming part of the paint on the wall
I forgot that you would get bored with me
You weren't seductive or intimidating
You were just soft
You were nothing out of my nightmares but that didn't make you safe
And now we're walking home in the rain writing **** poems

Heroes aren't real,
And you were always too good to be true

I more than love you
So please don't shut me out
Whatever it is,
It'll be ok
We can figure it out together
So talk to me
Because I am here for you
I don't always feel your pain
Or understand it,
But I see it
And maybe I can help
Let down your walls
And allow me to show you
The light in the dark.
Everything will work out fine
So talk to me
Because I am here for you,
*Always.

I've been sitting on the edge of my bed for a couple of days now
See, it's been raining outside and I feel bad for the garden it drowned
But there's nothing I can do
When I saw the roots floating above the soil, I realized I should just stay inside and breathe
When I say, "the sound of rain on a metal roof," you can hear it
But when I say,
"The sound of rain muddled with concrete and grass two floors down half drowned out by the sound of my roommate getting in too late,"
You're wondering why I feel as though it's seeping through two stories of apartments and hitting my skin
Full speed, still freezing, still drowning the garden

I've been fixated on the idea of decomposing
See, I've always said that reincarnation must be real
Because when my body isn't mine anymore, it will feed some plant
Maybe I am already buried out in the garden and that's why it feels like I'm drowning
I've been swinging my feet over the edge of my bed so that I know where the air is
Just in case I come back to life and need to breath it again

I'm sorry, to the last man who died before the war ended
Please stop pulling up my flowers,
Please stop flooding their roots
My toes are cold ankle deep in their soil
I would never have pulled the trigger
You would have planted a beautiful garden

I should have fought like hell
I should have taken your face in my hands and kissed you all over
I should have woken up
This whole thing is a mess
I was supposed to be the eye of the hurricane, not the impetus
I should have promised
Should have sewn the soles of my shoes into the earth and locked myself down
I should have fought-

I'm sorry I put you down and walked away
Hands over my head, full-on, white flag surrender
It's easy to forget that you were human
That you kept going after all this
That you had to cut me out of your life, too
And it's a terrible, half-hearted apology
I'm sorry that I couldn't love you forever
That I couldn't let you lace your fingers through my hair as it grew long and I grew old
That all of my energy left through my toes, left me with nothing
Left you with a corpse

I haven’t given up much
They kept telling me that my job was to be a student
I turned 16 and I worked in the local daycare
I brought my homework with me
I got 8 hours a week, if I was lucky

I am this old road that needs to be rebuilt
So I’m leaving behind the walls that I painted
I’m getting replaced with mechanical and systematic
They kept telling me to move to the city where I could get a real job

You were the first person to ever make me happy
But today you blurred all of my straight lines
And you're so sorry
And you want to be good friends
But you were the first person to understand me
And I wonder if you're going to be the last
Every time I saw you're face like butterflies
Your picture was in my art collection

And you have to go, but
You're already gone

I only saw her for a second
Just a flash, an apparition
A dream that I would **** myself to see again
I've never wanted to hold onto something so badly
And she was the most intangible thing I've ever touched
Like alcohol, running through my finger and evaporating at the same time
Gone more quickly than she came
Maybe she was salvation and I just missed my chance
Maybe if I close my eyes more tightly and wish harder
Or maybe she's just gone
I'm not a safe harbour
I've got no light to bring her back to me
I hope she thinks to turn around, all on her own
I'll be waiting for her, if she does, arm outstretched
Or if something better comes along

Someone laughed at me again today
I think I'll start counting.
I don't quite get it,
I was trying to be serious and get my work done
And they thought it was funny

I know that I don't really get along with the other kids very well
But that doesn't mean they're better than I am,
Does it?
I get better marks than they do.

I know that I'm doing the right thing
I know what will be more important in the future
I know that I should ignore them, but be honest with yourself for a minute.
Would you?

Today the kids told me
That I would die lonely
When I told them I liked being alone,
They laughed at me
"Die alone, die alone."

I loved him as much as I was capable of understanding love, but I don't think he really understood enough to love me

1.
My coat was still in my hand as I walked into school
My hand meant to throw it around my shoulders and zip it up
It was freezing
My hand forgot

2.
You kissed my head as I walked past you on my way out

3.
Good-bye is a curse developed by politicians
Meant to close an argument with the last word
You didn't even give me the chance
"See ya," I whispered under my breath
As if to lift it somehow
Good luck getting my hair out of your shower

4.
For some reason, we have more respect for airplanes than for beat-up off-road pickup trucks
His loafers were more worn out than his hiking boots
His foul-weather jacket has been dry for weeks
It hangs lifelessly on the back of his kitchen chair, waiting for him to get sick of all this and rush out in a hurry

5.
I looked again at the model in the sports magazine
Holding her ponytail out to the side
"She spent too much money on her running shoes," I thought.
"So did I."
But I abused the laces as if they were any other pair
If I had caught my breath, I think it would have been cheating

I don't think you realise
How passionate I still am.
I watched you put your fire out.

I was plunged into darnkess
It was windy when I walked to school this morning
Loud enough to hear
Strong enough that I wasn't wearing enough jackets
My friend hit me in the head yesterday
By accident of course, but
I haven't felt quite right since then
Maybe I needed time
Or a cup of hot tea
Or some sort of shelter out wind and drizzle that had kicked up
I finally understood the idea of dread
Like being pinned to the ground and screaming up at nothing
Like cold,
Like chills I couldn't possibly forget, my entire body moving, my blood a slow frozen river

When I die,
When the skin sinks into the ground
Someone could tell you that I used to bite my nails
There are tiny marks on the tips of the bones

More easily seen,
There are deep bruises on my shin bones,
Where I pressed up onto the wall any way that I could my first year of training
All that means is that I got stronger

Perhaps even more obvious are the healed breaks on the toes
Dance class, failed lifts
Bad turns, ill prepared
Proud of those ones

A little more hidden is the damage to my ankles from sickle feet
Or my knees from running
Maybe they would overlook the slight curve in my spine left over from physical therapy

Someone can tell my story
In all the little bits and pieces

Why must the stars
Only shine at
Night?

You're suspended somewhere in my timeline
But I'm not sure you really exist
The snow doesn't remind me of you anymore

I can be ok
Through dusk
And dawn
And storm
Through day
And night
And light
And dark
Through thick
And thin
I can be ok
When I fail
Or trip
Or fall
But when you go away,
I feel like breaking.

For a second today,
I didn't love you.

Today,
You seemed distant
As if I was a dream to you
Or a nightmare
As if I were holding out my hand to you,
But you were afraid to take it

Today
We were out of sync
I didn't know how you felt
And I was terrified

Today
I couldn't help you
How can I
deserve
To love you
If I can't help you

Today
You were distant
And we were out of sync
And I couldn't help you

Today
For a second,
I didn't love you.

I wonder why you kissed me
It was the wrong time and you had no reason to
We didn't talk about it
The world didn't stop all around us while we were otherwise engaged
But your hand was all tangled in my hair and...
We don't need to talk about it.

Her plait was just as much a part of her as the vertibrae it brushed against

All I can see in my head is her running away from me

Oh how I love our broken little talks
I almost want to mention the great proverbial elephant in the room that we aren't even in together
It's interesting how everything sort of fell apart like a house of cards with one single breath
You were supposed to be the light at the end of my tunnel, but you blew out the candle
And I'm walking down a street that just falls off of the earth
We've all wondered if heaven was real, but you were my heaven when I was with you, and every god was on our side so in the end,
*It didn't have to be

I don't think that teenagers are supposed to know that the world isn't light as a feather
Not yet
Aren't we supposed to see things through the looking glass?
College is when that image is supposed to fade-
Slowly
Into reality
It isn't supposed to be bitter
And biting
Not yet
We're supposed to have a chance
Or at least to think we do,
Even if we never will

"I'm sorry," I whispered
As I drove away from the rain
And the city
And the people I've always known
As I skipped practice to drink tea and drive fast
But I didn't believe it,
And nobody who might have been listening did, either

Turns out I didn't need saving
Sure, I was in hell
I came out heaving and sweating
I would have taken a hand if it was offered
But it wasn't
Those who couldn't make it were pulled out by the collar of their shirts
So as much as I thought I was dying
As much as I thought I was one of those being packed up and sent home
As much as I didn't want to be gasping on the ground that day
There I was

I sat in my truck with the ac on and the radio off
I was humming and flashing back and forward in time, looking for somewhere to fit
When I didn't find one, I opened my eyes to the sunset and the building I work in
I need to go home
But there's an on ramp to the highway just down the road
Far away felt so much closer than home did
I wonder how long I'll force myself to stay if I don't just hold onto the acceleration
I wonder how many times I'll paint mars before I lose my mind and burn the papers
"She's dreaming of outer spaces but she's studying to be an accountant"
She's got the brains for it, too
She could build her own rocketship and take off tomorrow
Texas is a thirty six hour drive away that I have typed into my gps more times than I would like to admit before turning it off
Just to see what traffic's like
The radio that isn't on is like flies in my ear
All of the songs about leaving
Just one right turn and I would never see this place again
But I've got to go to bed, I've got work tomorrow

And there was a great fire
It gripped onto her toes like Heaven as it pulled her closer to Hell
I've never seen someone in such ghastly pain stand so still
She didn't close her eyes until the flames cut her hair short
She shut them tight and heaved out, just before she collapsed
I felt myself lurch and the flames went out, all in slow motion
She was gone the same instant she hit the hardwood floor
Not burned, but poisoned by the air she had been breathing
And she still looked beautiful

All the good girls don't want to be good anymore
They want to get undressed
They're stripping to their ******* and dancing to Take me to Church
Good girls getting high and eating carbohydrates
Good girls wondering what was so great about being good
About being skinny and sitting in the front of the class
Good girls shredding their 4.0 transcript and missing work for the first time
Good girls are ruining their best pair of shoes in the rain in the parking lot
All the good girls just traded in their carpools for motorcycles
They've burned their old textbooks
They're trading greek yogurt for whiskey
Good girls don't know what danger feels like
They don't understand near misses or almost endings
Icarus flew too close to the sun
But Icarus was a beautiful backlit silhouette before he dripped out of existence and drowned
All the good girls thought they were drowning,
Thought they could drink themselves out
Maybe their angel wings would melt in the neon lights and they would be human again
All the grit they put into class was supposed to hold them together
But they've decided it was just sand paper, tearing their skin off
They've swiped eyeshadow on their ******* and called it art

All the good girls woke up hungover for the first time in a stranger's bed
All the phone lines are jammed: they're calling their father's and their priests
They want to confess and apologize
They've thrown away all of the gifts they have been blessed with
Except one
She stopped believing in miracles
Something was different
Maybe it was the way she cut her hair
Or the tattoo she got on her ankle last night screaming courage out to her
But she'll kiss him one more time before she leaves and never see him again
She wants to stain his memories until she is nothing but a figment of his mind
She'll walk out to her car with just a tshirt over her *******, barefoot with heels in hand
She wants to drive him mad
Maybe it was the way she filled in her eyebrows
Or exactly the right amount of *****, but
Her mother was dead
And her father was a conservative who believed in closing the wage gap
She could be revolutionary

"Are you mad at me?"
"No."
Yes.
I'm mad at you for leaving,
I just want to hold your hand.

I've been letting home feel less like home
It feels like an apartment I'm borrowing for the semester
My friends suggested detachment and I embraced it
I've got no one to come back to
I've read that text a thousand times since I let myself think about it
Every time I do I feel an inch further away
Something broken, but the edges were soft
There was nothing to cut myself on or trip over except for him
He left himself square in the way, but he also left.
He hurts, all on his own

I'll cry all night if I have to.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm imperfect
And for some reason,
That still matters