I'm stuck in the passenger side of a boy's car for three hours
spitting out phrases that aren't even english,
trying really hard to make him want to see my ******* but failing miserably

I really want to do this again,
maybe next time you can grow enough ***** for a goodnight kiss?

I learned how to ollie on my skateboard today
(but I wish you also would have taught me

what your lips feel like

against mine)

Man, you are so cute
and I am so sloppy
you are so smooth
and I am so choppy

I'd ask why you like me,
but I'm just happy you do.

Hey remember when I said,
If anyone hurt you, I'd make sure to hurt them?

It's easy to get back into the habit of hurting myself again

Sorry I still have your t-shirts and pajama bottoms,
I'm sorry your pictures are still on my bulletin board.
I don't deserve to see you smile anymore, I know...
I'm sorry you say that I'm worth waiting for
because I promise you
I'm not
I'm not
I'm so far from worth it
I just wish you would hate me, it'd make this so much easier on you

i had a dream about him last night,
and it ended with me running away looking for your arms instead
I ran through mud with a smile on my face
because I knew where I was going
was exactly where I wanted to be

even on these nights
I'd still like to see your blue eyes and sad smile
(even though I wish it wasn't sad)

It is 7:31 AM
and I am in a daze from the night
running on no sleep
my body feels heavy
the sun has come up without any warning
the pictures of him are still up
(even though I no longer look at them)

I guess I'd rather go back to sleep
so i can pretend you're still here next to me...
I'm having a hard time knowing whether that was all a dream
(you made it feel like a dream)

I gave you a playful shove today,
and you gave me some eye contact and a ride home
next time give me a kiss
next time give me a kiss
I'm not the type of girl who giggles-
I am the type who laughs out loud,
laughs that burst out my mouth-
but sometimes I giggle when you look at me

I like your soft eyes, your quiet side
I even like your lack of confidence,
like when you want to kiss me
or when you pull your lips away and say,
"so...are we a thing?"

"Do you ever feel like you can't get a full breath in?"
yes
yesyesyes
sometimes it feels like I'm drowning
or sometimes like these sweet words I want to tell you are stuck in my throat
waves and waves of words I'll never say
crashing against my grinding teeth

but somehow all the funny quirky things you do
make me laugh and roll to my side and then look you dead in the eye
(you can turn our silly moments into serious ones)
and somehow when you're there, I never have a nightmare
(or when I did you said, "that can't happen because I'm here and you're here and we won't let it" and the nightmare didn't last)
something about this boy
something about this boy
...there's something about this boy

I am sorry that your eyes look lost right now
and that I made them that way
and that you will think of me with hate from time to time
and that everyone will tell you,
"**** her, you deserve better"
and you will be thinking,
"yes, **** her....**** her...I wish I could"
and I will say "****" before passing you in the hallway
because the pain I am putting you through
made me sob in the shower for an hour last night
(what waste of water)
(what waste of a girl)

Look I know
that the voices in my mind make me sound crazy
hey let's go
it's just the voices in my mind makin' me hazy
Come on and show
me that you don't mind all these actions getting lazy
'cause I'm sitting on my couch scratching my arms and only wasting
away
been here a while and I still **** at getting you to like me
I'm sinking down I ******* **** at getting you to touch me
******* I seem to **** so much that all I don't is ****
and I've just been daydreaming that maybe you and I will stick
not like the last one, I hope you still don't think about her
my self-worth goes down the drain when she's brought up, whenever
I've got no problem with her lips except I think they're plumper
and I'm pretty sure they still wish they had your tongue all wrapped around her
I'm insecure, there's no other way to ******* say it
life is blunt, but don't pass me one, I've always known I can't ******* take it
repeating words repeating thoughts repeats everything that comes undone
unraveled and unsettling like the feeling of a setting sun

so maybe I'm ruining my chances,
but every time you say my name
I hope that you still want to slide my ******* over my ankles

this is taking so long,
months
(but years, it seems)
(it seems I have known you for years)
and all I have wanted for these past few (years)
your hands on my waist
your lips touching mine
all I have wanted is your eyes to look into mine as you smile and say,
"Goodnight."

give me less space, please
I want to rush things this time-
I want to drive fast, live fast,
love slow.

I moved on too fast,
but I think I'm moving into the right direction
right into arms that will understand

god i hate that there was anyone before you
i hate that i ever kissed anyone else

i have changed so much
and all i feel anymore are body movements
and butterflies when he looks into my eyes
and to my first flame,
i am sorry
sorry
sorry,
but also
i am not.

things change, life does that. but life is an open road and even my mom knows, "he'll fall in love with a better fit"

my head hanging out of windows
and your arm around my waist
this feels like
I fit
this feels like
with you is where I belong for now
and exactly where I want to be

man i sat so close to you today that i could feel you shake your leg with nerves
as you debated whether or not to put your arm around me
(your eye contact gets me going)
(you make me nervous and it's refreshing)
(make me nervous with your shirt off please)

---

I want to climb into my car and scream more lyrics
roll down the window and peel onto side roads
please let the wind be warm
please-
bass guitars and drum beats,
keep me company

when i see your deep blue bony knees swing beneath dark, branchy trees
far below the icy mountains I chiseled my heart from...
I get butterflies

when we're hopping fences to go lay under the stars
and we're on our way to the middle of the field
and you trip me right into your arms so you can lay me down with kisses
and i laugh and you smile and we lay around a while
until we hop the fence again to get a little more comfortable
in the back seat of your car.
we didn't put on music and i didn't need music and i wasn't even thinking of music at all because all i wanted to hear were the sounds you made in between each time i brushed your cheek with my hand and you looked at me like maybe with me was exactly where you wanted to be...
maybe I'm starting to believe you when you tell me you actually like me

look me in the eye
tell me those lyrics don't mean a thing to you right now
the sound coming from your speakers
speaks more truth than you do, I know it
I know you
I'm really starting to know you
let me get to know you

lead me on lead me on
you could crash the ******* car and I'd still be alright with not having my seat belt buckled
in hopes that maybe my lips would fly right into yours
you told me I had pretty eyes

But you're just too stressed at the moment
and "we'd be better as friends"
and "I know it's cliche,
but it's not you, it's me"

you have good taste in music,
you say you like mine, too
could you possibly, someday...
want to taste a little more of me?

typing is getting harder
but thinking about other boys is so easy

and all I want to do is eat food and sleep and have *** with someone else
because my youth is running out and
my twin brother is calling all of his buddies saying how much he misses their company
and I am secretly wishing one will come over to make me less alone
I am tipsy
and trying
to make you like me
even though I'm a heart breaker.
(I don't want to be)
(we have more in common than you think)

kissing you sounds really great
anything with you sounds really great
and even after you've unleashed your stressful week into our conversation, insulting yourself and unloading your stress,
after you've told me you're terrible...
I've never liked you more.
(you just make me like you more)
(and more)

3am and flickering lights
It feels like I've always wanted you
but I don't even know what goes through your mind...
you are everything I'm unsure about
a chaotic structure of flesh
built up in all the right places
and what I want most right now
is to be
awkwardly attempting to make you smile

I THOUGHT I WOULD SLEEP TONIGHT
but my shaky hands keep on typing
and my eyes linger open
I wish i could get tangled up in blonde hair
(let me get sweaty and hot)
(let me get on top)

You should have kissed me at the waterfall
You should have kissed me under the blankets
You should have kissed me 12 or 20 times.....
But the one time you did kiss me..
Still left me dizzy

******* for calling me perfect
when you're the one who knows best that I am not

man the way you say goodbye gives me a rush
it is enough to know you're exactly what i'm looking for right now

I have broken your heart
and mine
and this is going to be hard to forget
and hard to get through
and hard to get over
but being tipsy might help

"You know, you're really different from any girl I've ever met"

if you're trying to get me to sleep with you, it's going to work

I wish I was there last night so I could have crawled into you
like I have crawled into myself so many other nights on my own.
I would have lightly pulled at the corners of your shirt sleeve
and I would have gently brushed your jaw line with my fingertips
and then I would have

I know I loved you
I know I love you
so why is it so easy to move on

I know you're sad sometimes and it scares me
because I know what sad feels like
and I know I might not make you happy

I want to carry you around inside my head...
you don't weigh me down,
you make me float through the day.


I am crushing
crushing
crushing
falling
into you

what does it mean when we kiss all night

trying to figure you out
trying to figure me out
trying to figure me out when I'm with you
trying to figure out what you do to me

i am nervous and tired and insecure

I didn't even look you in the eye when I tore you apart
at least you had the decency to stare when you returned every part of me
MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THROWN ME IN THE TRASH
it felt like you did
and it feels like you wish you had burned me, too,
every time you look at me when we're five feet away, passing shoulders.

look at me, making you sound like the bad guy
when it has
always
been
me.

I'm re-watching Donnie Darko
because I like it
but mainly because I know you like it
and maybe I'm just trying to think of you
not that I have to try

but I've never believed that to be true.
I did not love myself when I fell in love with you
and I won't love myself when I fall in love again
or again
or again...

It's a nice thought, though

am i just another girl
photo-copied into your life, like the last one that still begs for you?
please talk to me anyway
please kiss me anyway
please let me believe that you won't lie to me when you say
you don't think of her anymore

sometimes I hope you break my heart
you'd never fade
(but give us a while, I'm hoping you're more than a few pages in my life)

AND YOU NEVER KISSED MY SCARS,
YOU KISSED MY STRETCH MARKS FROM GROWING TOO FAST
AND ******* FOR NOT KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE

I hope you see it in my eyes,
the way I look at you
and I hope I'm not imagining it
when I sometimes think
I see it in yours