It's even more obvious now
How little I hold of your heart
Even more so your mind
Even though I know
The distractions you face
I honestly don't know why
I even care as much now
As I did back then
We've had these conversations
So many times
Less and less we've showed affection
Why is it you still have a grip on me
It's not like you want me
Or even have a place in your life
For me and the path I've chosen
When it's in the opposite direction
You want to travel
I've given up so many times
Still held hope
Useless as it was and is
I can't seem to chase it
That fantasy of love anymore
No one compares to you
The standards you set
Some came close
Yet failed me
When I failed to show emotion
The very ones I've vaulted
Locked away and melted the key
Destroyed all traces of the code
I don't want to feel anymore
Always hopeless attempts
Failure on both sides
Why is it my life my heart
Is devoted so hard to you
I'll davy jones this *****
If I had the mystical powers to
Cast aside all humanity
Sail the in-between
Bury opposition in watery graves
I'm sick from my heart
Rotting my mind
Infected with depression
Knowing expectations are never met
And all I want is to feel
As if I'm worth saving from myself
By the hands of someone
Who genuinely loves me
Beyond a shadow of a doubt

I no longer see this world
In black or white
Even though I'm color blind
It's pixelated
My graphics card is going out
I don't want to see it
This battery bar
Depleted with every wire cut
My point of view
Is from a hole I dig
Deeper down
Seeing where it'll go
Opinions unpopular
Conversations hindered
By one word or two
Found so blasphemously offensive
Does any of it matter
Do any of us matter
Scattering around as atoms collide
We aren't the foundation
To the secrets of youth
We're only obstacles
In each other's way
Collateral damage
When cross hairs pull triggers
Our game of chess
Consist of more kings then pawns
Each only moving once
In only one direction
Unsure if either way
Won't be checkmate
My point of view
Solely that of uncertainty
Watching scenery as it's painted
With the tainted virtues
Of our benevolent race

The repair of my mind
is not as easy as it once was.
I am broken. Longing to be fixed. Longing to be able to heal myself. Working slowly day by day to heal another piece that has grown
gray with lack of light.
Fading to black I fear
Duct tape and super glue
Only holds the fragments
Of this mirror mind
Reflecting constant strain
Emotions
Pulled tugged stressed
Mentally damaged
Spider webbing to my heart
I can't take much more
I need an escape
A back door to these fractures
I endure falling
Trying to capture
Juggling before they shatter further
Gashes open up
My insides are slowly showing
Mental becomes physical
Only so much I can hide
Spotlighted to those who know me best
Foreshadowed to others who don't
This picture show of horror
Generating more fears
How do I ask for help
When it's becoming too much for me
Alone I thought I could handle this
Face my demons
I now know
I need a bigger monster
To keep me from being consumed
And if I'm still to fall
I won't have done it alone
I'll call it a victory
If someone could love me
In those final seconds

I love you
Yet I hate it
The butterflies when you smile
In my direction
The sensation of puking
When it's meant for someone else
I'm in love with a friend
Yet I want to **** it so badly
If this heart skips one more time
I'll use tannerite to replace it
You looked away when I needed you
Solid as roman architecture
I stood, for you to lean upon
Embraced you as tears fell
Faster than your heart
As he pushed you away
We've had our ups and downs
Ignoring each other
Hoping for feelings to decay
Yours I believe rotted
While mine refuse to die
Still you turn to me
For I'm always there
Waiting for you to slip
Only to cushion the fall
I love how I hate my mind
As it wanders back to you
And every smile I despise
When your name touches my lips
I hate how I love you
I love how I hate my feelings
One has to go
Before my mind I force to blow
It's killing me
Knowing right now
You neither need me or want me
Probably because I'll only cloud
An already foggy mind
I've confessed so many ways
None you'll hear about
You don't know how deep this goes
This cellar of emotional bottles
With and entire wall
Dedicated to how much I hate
Absolutely loving you
For everything you are and could be
I saw potential an us
Now I only see me
Looking through icy windows
Frostbite nipping
As the warmth of your heart
Will never be mine to enjoy
I hate that I've accepted this
I love how you don't know
So I'll fill another bottle
While emptying a real one
Swap pain for drunkenness
Disperse the feelings I have
Leaving only cobwebs and bottles
To age and be forgotten
Till another poor soul
Tries to enter my cellar soul

Dead in this existence
Growing more futile
With every punch I throw
Why the sad faces
Why the tears
You didn't notice me before
Overlooked so easily
Slowly killing myself
Burying my pain at the hearth
Short comings I'll have no one to blame
But my own selflessness
Me
Why do I do it to myself
Fall in love with women
I know will never love me
The way I want to love them
Why do I give the world
So many opportunities to **** me
I'm a product of misfortune
Designated punching bag
To the world around me
Object of self torture
I endure with a smile
But despise behind closed doors
It's inhuman to have this many
Self destructive tendencies
From love to loyalty
From kindness to caring
I want to be over it
See ******* more
Look you in the face and watch you hurt
Instead of me
I've already accepted
I'll be alone for the remainder of my time
So when I ask why me
Know it's not a question
But a statement as the reason
Why I do the things that I do need

Call it rambling
Emotional poker chips
I'm tired of gambling
My heart's turning dark
Ace of spades
Feels like I can't do it
Yearning for it
Scared of it
What would happen
How would it play out
Who would miss me first
The most
Who'd ask who I was
As they drop me in the hole
How many tears would fill
Eyes I've dried so many times
How many wouldn't shed one
Is this the defeat before the surrender
Will I go out like a viking
Longboat and fire sails
Perhaps a slave
Tossed into concrete
Making city walls stronger
How would it look
How many noted do I leave behind
Who'd read them anyway
I'm tired of it all
Someone's gotta know
I'm dying inside
And nothings saving me
Thoughts getting louder
Body's itching
Minds racing
It's dysfunction all around
Maybe I need sleep
See if that helps
Any longer I can't promise anything

I'd like to wake up
Without dread in my mentality
No worries as the hours tick by
Will today be for the diary
Or skipped pages
Lost into memory
Filed deep behind vault doors
Just once would be nice
A decent vehicle
I don't have to kick
In the tail pipe just to start
A bed my own
Fool I became
Auctioning it off for heartache
Just once would be nice
To not feel like I was dropped
Nine too many times as an infant
Replacing blondes with handicap stickers
As I keep trying to be an epic human
Maybe a match and kerosene
Scrub brush and bleach
I can start all over
On a cleaner slate
Just once is all I'm asking
One opportunity to just say *******
To everyone I don't know
Stop trying to be a friend to a stranger
When strangers keep daggers
Strapped to every ankle
Waiting for your back to turn
Just once
Please God one time
I'll do it right
I'll erase past mistakes
And finally enjoy happiness my way