Make your own he said
In then out
Good to bad
Bad to good
When does it balance out
Attempt after attempt
Wishful thinking
Optimism stretched
How do you make luck
What's the recipe
The secret ingredient I'm missing
I've ran through my seasons
Written down each amount
Tried again using more and less
I'm no 5star Michelin chef
Only a home cook
Aspiring to create a dish
My family and me can enjoy
For the remainder of our days
Passing on the recipe I've acquired
Is it wrong it's not my life
I don't want to change anymore
I don't wish for anything else
Only the life I dream
For the ones who helped me
Get this far in my life
Even when they don't know
The wars I've fought alone
I'm simply a general
Wishing to feed his army
So they can become another's sword
When the firing squad receives me
Luck they say
Four leaf clovers
Mythical pots of gold
Awaiting at rainbows end
Riddles to be solved to obtain it all
So riddle me this
Where does luck come from
When luck is only a perception

Those were your words
As I fell mute
Afraid to inform you
The darker side of me
You must have overlooked
I've never put myself first
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll put a world eager to destroy me
Behind me knowing pain
Is my only reward
I'd rather hurt
Weigh the burden
Just to see someone smile
True I want happiness
Something I'll never obtain
Yet in the glimpse of someone's smile
Their momentary happiness
Knowing they had someone
Ward off one second of pain
I share with them
So in my selfishness
Of wanting you
Despite your desire
To not have a family
In my unfairness to myself
For finding happiness
My daughter cannot give me
Solely through you
I can't help loving you
And maybe it's pointless
An utter waste of your time
You'll dispute me till the end
Finding another excuse
To not give me a chance
Ignoring how you feel
Because you wouldn't have asked
If you didn't feel something
You want something
But can't figure it out
You wouldn't have kept answering
And maybe that's why you fell silent
Scared of whatever it was
Resurfacing abruptly
Do you really want me to come
Show my face
And make you feel it even deeper
Or are you wanting the verification
That there couldn't be anything
To ever transpire between us
You're quick to tell me
What it is you don't want
When that's everything I am
But it's not what you want
That you inform me of
Is it because you believe
I could possibly be that as well
Is the idea of having any sort
Of affection towards me
Truly that terrifying
I could be reading this wrong
Trying to understand this
Self justification session
I go through
To ease my own pain
That I know follows
My destructive tendency
I use as an armor
Unprescribed antidepressants
Keeping me from what I know
To be an inevitable action
No amount of therapy can stop
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll sell myself short
To make someone else richer
I'm a victim to my own design
In that end my demise
Trying to take on a persona
That wants to face the rapture
And conquer it for another
Sorry my thoughts are all over
I have no excuse
Me just being my usual
Insane self
Figuring out a dialogue
I have no answers for
All I can say
Is it's fair of me
To be unfair to myself
Finding everything to love
In someone
That won't love me back
No matter how much I confess
Or how long I do
Simply because I let myself
Slip away from you once
For these very same questions
This is our form of tag
With me chasing you
And you evading me
Every time I get
Slightly closer than before

Doesn't creep through blinds
Watch me from afar
Tail me with headlights in my rearview
It's in the back of my mind
Under my feet
When either the sun and moon
Decide to shine on me
My Stalker watches through eyeball lenses
Play by play
First person reality
Telling me to do it
Reaches for the knife
When the lights go out
Long after the sandman visits
*** drugs cigarettes coffee alcohol
I can't shut him out
Or lock him away
There is no prison
To where I can incarcerate him
I'll never be safe
And that's fine by me
Death finally has her sights on me
I'm ready to go home
Back to the hour glass
Lost in the sands of time

It's become a tradition
Good days bad days
Good weather bad weather
No matter the season
A few cups of coffee later
My focus has returned
Cigarette will follow
A short walk in the cold
You on my mind
A life I'll never have
Her my future
No one seems to be apart of
I'm truly alone
Even though I hate it
I've grown accustomed to it
I know I'll have these small cups
As a constant reminder
It's the small things in life
I either enjoy now
Or envy later on

"All that we are arises with our thoughts"

Pondering on this
Over and over I read it
I feel a connection
Yet dumbfounded I remain
Why does this grasp me
So diligently in my head
The constant thoughts
Worthless
Pathetic
Waste
Hopeless
Reckless
Crazy
Angry
D­epressed
List growing with every
Once over I do
Of this tiny piece of paper
Sick
Drunk
Loving
Images of my face in the mirror
I look away in disgust
Is this who I've become
Was this where I saw myself as a child
When teachers asked where I saw myself
Is this what they wanted to avoid me
From ever becoming
Did they at some point
Walk this very path of self doubt
Did I not heed their warnings
Is this my destiny
Reading a fortune cookie scripture
Confirming the thoughts in my head
Have I gone to far into my depression
To believe it to be true
Scared
Weak
Insignificant
Better off dead
Father
How did this happen to me
What pushed me to this point
Did I fail myself trying to succeed
In an area of expertise
I was never qualified to be involved in
I tested waters of love
Found quick sand on the shores surrounding
Up to my throat grasping
For the remaining a breaths
I'll have in my life
What am I really chasing
If happiness can't be found
Let alone obtained
I'm tired of these back and forth
Chess games I play with my sanity
Slipping even further past no return
I'm struggling to see
Where my life could be
What it should be
When all I see is
Who I am now
Feeble
Stressed
Anxious
Alone
I can't make it through my life
With only one aspect to it
That I cling to for dear life
My daughter
How can I be anything she's proud of
When I'm a failure
Succeeding only in that
Given opportunities I'm blind to
I'm sick of this heart
Too big for my chest
I want to lay it to rest
I'm tired of this mind
Too dysfunctional to organize
My potential I want to realize
I can't do it alone
But hallways don't echo silence
Ears fall deaf to mute tongues
Touch doesn't reach to numb hands
Lost
"All that we are arises with our thoughts"
And with that I know
I'll never amount to anything
Past where I am now
No matter how hard I strive
What I do
Where I go
Or whom I'm with
I am exactly who I think I am
For I'm the only one that knows
The treachery of my thoughts

One turns into three
They add up
Stockpiling corpses of cardboard boxes
Butts in ashtrays still smoldering
Ash fills my lungs
As I chase nerve endings
Why won't they stop vibrating
Straight lines turned to circles
I'm going crazy
Staring at blank paper
I want to fill with my emotions
Cigarettes draining my pocket
Faster than my hands can my heart
Encased in this tomb of black
Lungs suffocating in soot
Convincing my liver it should rot
Easily married the fire and alcohol
Tag team duo
Hell bent on decaying me inside out
So what if my insides die
I'll finally be whole
Deceased inside and out
Face removed of emotion
Heart filled to the brim
One more cigarette and I'll finish this out
Disgusting in all its essence
I just need the fix
To ease my racing nerves
Before anxiety causes metal to twist
High speed chase
Nicotine or anxiety
Which will **** me first

I have my answer
The ghost town inbox
The deserted road to my ear
But in light of my selfishness
I don't blame you
I didn't want to lose you
Yet it seems to be a trend
That has to come to a close
I've loved you for so long
I was willing to become playdough
Molding into a shape suitable
For your pleasure and not mine
Only the satisfaction
Of knowing I was in your grasp
Was truly enough for me
You made your point
It really wouldn't work between us
I didn't want to let go
And that seems to be another issue
I've failed to realize in myself
My mind's a constant theatre
Getting lost in the scenes
Plays of fiction
So realistic I fooled myself
Into hoping for anything
Chasing down a rabbit hole
With illusions of light
At every bend
Even when I was the sculptor
To these caverns of myth
So I assume
This silence you hold
Is the decision you've made
I've lost you so many times before
It hasn't gotten any easier
So I'll commit to it
The slowest form of suicide
And live loving for the last time