the key word is were
you were there when i needed you
you were so close and were so kind and were so sweet
the key word is was
he was he was he was
but now my vocabulary craves another word,
another vague verb or two
are
is
and you cannot seem to keep them in a sentence with you
without tacking on an ending
you aren’t there when i need you
he isn’t he isn’t he isn’t
if you aren’t, then who is?

i was so worried that i stopped caring about everything
but then i realized i was just so unhappy
i couldn’t care
it’s not that i didn’t, it’s that i couldn’t
i’m pulling happiness from small things like blustery fall breezes
because i don’t have it so i have to grab it
i have to process it and realize that i’m happy
because most of the time, i’m not.
I went through so many years of my life unhappy,
so unhappy, and only so many people really knew.
I tried to hide it and I kept it bottled up but
sometimes it would seep out.
and now that i’m not keeping it in
it’s taking over me and i’ve stopped caring
and stopped thinking and smiling
and I’m tired all the time
but i am one person and i am not important
and there are so many people out there
who are happy and working and thinking and caring
and i’m trying to think and work and think and care
but i can't
so i’ll try and pull myself some happiness from blustery fall breezes
and i’ll just say I’m sleepy
and the world will go on

when i see you i see zinnias
your hair and your eyes and your rosy cheeks
grow tall and strong and flourish
and know that rainstorms will only make you stronger

i feel like Thumbelina
taking shelter under your leaf-umbrella
and watering you with my tears
in turn i will take care of you when you wilt
and shed many a tear-petal if you need to
(because it’s okay to be sad)

when i see you i see zinnias
your words and your smile and your lovely voice
grow tall and strong and flourish
and know that rainstorms will only make you stronger

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because you ripped him from me
you turned him into your toy
and you ignored the concept of sharing
like a bratty kid in a sandbox
you had to get your way
or you’d throw a fit and pout
and i clung so hard as you dragged him away
and i left too many fingernail marks so he yanked free
and fell into your waiting, cunning arms

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because you changed him
you made him into a follower
and erased his compassion
like a black hole you ****** him up
you made him nothing
and no one could really see it but me
and i clung so hard as you drew him in
and i got so far but i was still tethered to the ship
and he drifted into space as i watched helplessly

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because he isn’t strong enough
to see that you’re just using him
to see anyone other than you
to see that i’m hurting
to see that i love him more than you could
and i tried to make him see
and i realized that he never would
and i decided to let him go
which is something that you can’t seem to do

i held two hands and
one let go but one remained
and i clung to it

i think i still held
on even when you let go
i think i still am

The sky was blue that day,
speckled with white
And the sun was a pleasant orb,
Toasting the skin of the people to a light brown
Showering the tops of every wave
With diamond rays
The fishermen cast their nets
Methodically, cheerfully
And she peeked out from her hiding place,
curiosity getting the best of her
His hands smelled like crab
And he smiled, worn like the sea
And she smiled back,
hesitantly
Because, of course, it wasn’t custom,
this smiling
But she couldn’t help it
Because his eyes were kind
And he,
he couldn’t believe them
(his kind eyes)
For she was the stuff of fables
And she shed her scales for him,
the fisherman with the smiling worn eyes
And instead wore rosy pink legs
that toasted to a light brown
under the pleasant orb of sun

I want you to love me in a sweater,
grey,
cable knit,  
a little too big.  
I'll wrap my arms around you,  
like fluffy wings,  
keep you safe for a change.  
(There is something about you that makes me want to.)

We will tangle up in warmth,  
and I'll curl my fingers in your hair and press kisses in each curl.
The contentedness between us will be tangible,
filling the air around us.

I want you to love me in the soft way that I love you,
Warm linen sheet-like,  
A nestling-into-you kind of thing.
We fit together,
you and I.  
Just right.

I want to feel your sleepy breath on my neck,
your lovely eyes fixed on mine.  
Your fingers can trail along my shoulders,
your chest can heave contented sighs.  
The crook of your arm could be my pillow,
the space between us nonexistent.