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116 · Feb 2018
Feelings suck
Renae Feb 2018
A real relationship is the ultimate fantasy*
When will humans finally
open their eyes  
Lust is a disease of the mind
We feel almost safe wrapped up in the blanket of desire
Which is easily unraveled
Falling feels like flying
But somehow we always
Hit the ground
113 · Jan 2018
Unpredictable
Renae Jan 2018
Unpredictable who?
Me?
Why would'nt you
expect me to be?
Unpredictable you seems
A normalcy
111 · Feb 2018
Wishes
Renae Feb 2018
"If wishes were horses everyone would ride"*
If God were mediator privacy
Would reside in crevices
Deep within
Where only 2 could share
Understanding
110 · Dec 2018
Content
Renae Dec 2018
When I picture us
It is so real to me
I guess I'm in a state of mind
Of fantasy
Only better
in the kitchen baking
You walk up behind me
We tease and toss flower
And play in happy bliss
kiss and love and laugh
Like children
Carelessly playing together
Happy
Satisfied
Content
102 · Jul 2021
Veiled
Renae Jul 2021
Most say:
"They cannot see me
I hide
behind
a curtain
of deceit
A black veil
of false certainty
My life...
securely veiled
from those who see"

Oh how sad they will be
This is how the whole world thinks
101 · Jul 2020
Caught up
Renae Jul 2020
I'm not in my feelings
crying anymore
I shut that door
For the last time.

Healing is upon me
Today all I see
Is victory

Conscious imagery
Has never been my thing
I spill out
Recklessly

The way flour spills
everywhere
It's so hard to
Clean

The mess is me
I am best
Caught up in it

In my messy moments
Doing everything I can
to feel alive
important and free

To believe in me
101 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Renae Feb 2018
Sweet sounds of silence
Sounds like a dream
Makes me feel like napping
a deep peaceful sleep
From which never to awaken
Or maybe instead
An awakening
better than in a dream
Unimaginable perfection
It's what I want to be
So as not to be less than
what you need
100 · Jan 2018
Life
Renae Jan 2018
As waves crash
over smooth
Steady surfaces
rocky shorelines
fragments of leaves,
twigs and twine
flowing backwards
Pulling, pushing
Like life
Uncontrollable
Flowing with waters
Crashing, floating, rushing
Breaking
Enduring
until it is swept away
99 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Renae Feb 2018
I love being alone
For as long as I can remember
Alone is my comfort zone
I get lost in myself
No worries
no one else to care about
Not lonesome, never lost
That only happens when
I find myself
Trying to get lost
In someone else
My mind becomes enthralled
It is almost like poison
Seeping through my veins
Nothing but confusion
Inside my brain
I cannot understand why
Why did he say what he said yesterday?
Why isn't he interested today,
He was so into me
Wasn't he?
Wait a second, step back,
Re-evaluate
This isn't true love, why am I stuck in debate?
I cannot convince anyone of who I am
This is not the end
It must have been
a ploy  for revenge
From a bitter soul
who obviously has
no idea who I am
97 · Jun 2021
Speak
Renae Jun 2021
I don't understand
but I'm not worried
It's out of my hands
out of my hands

Been in motion for so long
it's not going to stop
I guess you shouldn't throw away what's written
Whether you want it or not

You can't change it
no matter how much you wish
You can't stop
what's been put in place
It's God's plan
you can't change it
for the Earth & for space

It's bigger than you
That's why it's a race
I'm in it too
Enduring
no matter what it takes

One mistake
won't take your life
even if you make it twice
Get back up and make it right
You already know
the consequence, like
Why ruin your life?

I'm not in competition
with nobody
I want you to win too
All I ask is
You want the same for me,
Don't you?

This war isn't mine
I have no choice
but I have faith
So I stand
with my heart
and my voice
97 · Feb 2018
His
Renae Feb 2018
His
He is bold
Pristine
A molded vessel
Listening
Forgives
Wants me
Stays even when
I'm far away
I want his love
I want to be his
One day
92 · Nov 2020
End
Renae Nov 2020
End
Empty hollow holes
echo anger, tears & shame
Criticism destroyed all of her true colors that only
bleed to black
Helpless
crushing vices
became her only comfort
sending her to a bitter end
92 · Aug 2018
I believe
Renae Aug 2018
I believe in my heart
I believe in free will
In forgiveness & mercy
faith & conscience still
I believe love conquers
Above all
I believe a lot
Is bound to fall
Many will fail into thin air
Like the chaff, will disappear
I believe in what's written
Centuries in advance
Holding  prophetic value
Giving humans a chance
I believe that Jehovah
Cannot lie
I believe in what's true
Over what is a lie
91 · Jan 2018
Darkness
Renae Jan 2018
In a dark twisted place
without direction
Emptiness overwhelms
Search for some light
Stumble through
Feel the way
Stretching out arms
Fingers
Reaching for something strong
Finding nothing
In front
Nor behind
Darkness fills every inch
Until all that's left is feeling
91 · Feb 2019
I jumped
Renae Feb 2019
I slowly dipped my toes in at first
Yes it took me a while
I shifted, sifted, pondered, waited & then
I decided to jump right in
It was time
I quit thinking it over
I stopped thinking the worst
I stopped waiting and wishing
I decided to jump head first
90 · Apr 2019
His life
Renae Apr 2019
Not a single flaw presented
He walked a straight
Unfettered line
Unafraid
Decisive
Not a worry for the past
He left behind
Unmarked in all his ways
He left footprints
For us to follow
His death was bitter,
cruel & undeserved
This is a pill to swallow
Of value unsurpassed
All he ask
Is that we show our faith
Through action
So we must obey
truly I tell you today
our sins will be forgiven
Jesus ransom sacrifice. He died as a perfect human almost 2000 years ago today at 3pm.
87 · Apr 2019
Would you?
Renae Apr 2019
Nuzzled up against him;
her ***** in his chest
The widest smile she could make
across her face was spread.
Adjoining with his own,
picture perfect together.
Best friends in a vow,
.....but never ever lovers?
He said, "Lovers come & lovers go
Friendship lasts forever"

Oh but darlings don't you know?
The two should be together.
Cherished friendship,
where forgiveness blossoms,
endless trials
cannot stop them
Together their love is enough,
Would you separate love?
82 · Sep 2020
Painter of the sky
Renae Sep 2020
I can remember the sky
just as vividly
as I could freeze in time
the way I felt inside
I tried to focus on the colors
like a raging fire
shades of deep orange
red, blue, purple & the brightest yellow
Paintbrush strokes
could only compliment
the genius of an original
For a moment
the firey sky was all I saw
until my racing mind
connects dots again,
a smile spreads
across my lips,
in a glimpse all I could do
was gaze at his glory
thankful to know the painter of the sky
82 · Nov 2019
I forget
Renae Nov 2019
What was the reason again
It's lost somewhere between
kisses and the caress of your skin
I cannot remember
Words unsaid
The moments of pleasure
fleeting as seconds fly by
I tried to tell you
I cannot soften your brick wall
My eyes could not penetrate you
My curves, not shapely enough
My lips never got through
My tongue ******* in knots
I said I loved you
Called you mine
Forever etched in my soul
I try to escape from my mind
What was it again
The reasons I won't give in
I rack my memory  for
Something I forget
82 · Oct 2020
Karaoke
Renae Oct 2020
Here in the corner it's free
Nobody demands
anything of me
No one on the phone
wishing I would come home
No stress
it's just me, and I'm a mess
here in the corner
of a crowded place
locked away
inside my space
I used to feel free
Here I free my angry
Only more sad
giving em hell
still making em mad
Singing out my own voice to myself
Never a glance to anyone else
80 · Jul 2018
With love
79 · Sep 2020
honestly
Renae Sep 2020
honestly your honesty
leaves a lot to be
desired
you said to me
rather candidly
"3 or 4 others
don't matter
love is something
you give away"
so as long as they're
okay, with letting you play
i shouldn't mind
either
only thing i see
is your honesty
clearly is your only flaw
so charismatic
you take your place
as if you belong
with every pretty face
you see as you scan the room
well honestly
i don't see what you see
all  i can say is
thank you
for showing me...
you
77 · Nov 2018
A million and one
Renae Nov 2018
If forever was here
I couldn't count
memories nor tears
All the nights
You were on my mind
even then it wouldn't equal the sum
My thoughts roll into one
Replaying in melodies
Dreams in a daze
You seemed so real
Holding me so dear
Whispering I was everything
Imagining tortures me
A love I won't receive
Over and over I can see
Impossibilities
A million and one times
75 · Nov 2018
Untitled
Renae Nov 2018
Engulfing me
Wrapped around my heart
Thick darkness of desire
I could not help but falter
Blind love a disease
Buries me in quicksand
Becoming one with the silence
I give up the struggle
Before my breath escapes
74 · Sep 2023
What's worse?
Renae Sep 2023
I thought it would be bliss, I never thought about anything falling apart. He was my heart, my forever.
I was so excited every time he walked through the door
I remember his sent, his laugh, his whistle... It sounded like happiness.
The way he embraced me
Made me feel like the only woman in the world.
I just knew he would never hurt me. Did he make me feel safe? Safe was an understatement.
As the years dragged on,
Disagreements arose, issues I thought would be important to him because they were important to me, left him cold. Aloof to me.
His temper grew with each year, it seemed to bring the house down.
The children and I never knew how to walk on those egg shells.
Making too much noise, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing.
Uncomfortability became our life,
Wine became my best friend.
Singing was an outlet I cherished, I would never blow up as long as I could sing.
The separation was the longest and hardest suicide.
The divorce finished me.
72 · Dec 2019
Paradise
Renae Dec 2019
Warm sand seeps
through my toes
with every step
The ocean breeze
fresh sweet hibiscus scent
floats through the air
I almost taste coconuts & pineapple listening to the rythm of steel drums
in the distance
Without a worry in the world
far from anxiety
I sit in peace, one with the palms
my only thought is
where should I build my treehouse?
Where will I hang my hammock?
Should I wear shoes today?
68 · Dec 2018
Rated
Renae Dec 2018
Everything is rated
How you feel & what you say
Are you as cool as they think you should be?
Who are they?
What gives them the right to say how cool anything is anyway?
What is the definition of happy?
A hundred, a thousand like?, a million compliments?
5 stars, hundreds of hearts
Comfortable distance in the midst of it
Social connection or social death
I suppose they'll decide
It all depends on how you're rated
Just remember no one can see inside
68 · Dec 2018
I lose
Renae Dec 2018
I focus as I peer into my mirror
Twin image of me standing there
In silence no words are exchanged
I suppose there is nothing more to say
All my breath has been exhausted
My heart exposed
My mirror image laughs at me
Just out of reach
He likes it when I lose
65 · Jan 2020
What do you want to be?
Renae Jan 2020
I ask my daughter one day, what do you want to be when you grow up? She said to me, "Mommy when I grow up I want to be a pig" she loved pigs and I laughed, she was 4. A few years later I ask her again, her reply this time: "I want to be me, only I want to do whatever I want!"  I thought, how smart. We don't need a label or a sign slapped across our foreheads to define us. We are good enough to be anything we want anytime we want! So don't be ashamed if one day you change because, guess what, minds change, if we want them to. We are not too old to dance or sing, & we are never too old to play. So I stopped asking her what she wanted to be, I finally understood, she was already happy & there's nothing more she could ask for.
64 · Nov 2018
Stubborn Me
Renae Nov 2018
Me
Like the thrashing sea
One moment calm
crashing the next
Rebellious as if I were 3
I won't listen to you but
You better listen to me
Stuck in my head
I'm sure that's not what I said
Yesterday I severed ties with my cut throat tongue
I didn't mean it I promise
I was just being stubborn
That's the way I learned to be
Stubborn me
63 · Jul 2018
Beyond repair
Renae Jul 2018
"You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!"

Why do I feel like this quote was written about me?
Not the one with the ego
The one destroyed
Love does not destroy
61 · Apr 2019
Forced
Renae Apr 2019
Not coaxed, forced
Like a hammer and nail
Like a pole shoved onto the ground
Not gently or smooth
Like an ice pick slams into ice
Or an axe chops wood in two
That is how forced
It felt with you
59 · Jan 2020
To fall in love
Renae Jan 2020
You said "Your *****'s not big enough,
you aren't that great, you aren't all that, old lady,  you're boring"
You made me feel like anybody
More like nobody than somebody
Even though you never even knew me
Or took the time
So it should be understandable
I never fell in love with you.

Masculine

Feminine

I guess I'm somewhere in between

Masculine because I need me
Gotta step up my game
Hustle and make a living

Feminine me, is never seen
Locked away in my beauty cave
Preserved for the one
who proves to me
He believes I'm worth the effort
Worth the time
Worth the chase


That's the one I'll belong to and he will be mine. ♡
56 · Dec 2024
AI
Renae Dec 2024
AI
Aren't you concerned
as you listen to money talk?

It seems to be the one thing everyone's after.

It may be what causes the biggest disaster.

Bow down to the heartless green & I assure you, it will be your ending.
AI is not the answer.
55 · Jul 2018
Dreams
Renae Jul 2018
You're sound asleep
blissfully unaware
I wish you were lying here
I dream awake
Imagination spinning weaves
Unending roads of meaning
All leading
To you
53 · Jan 2
Tired
Renae Jan 2
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of spinning.
Same stories been told for thousands of years, still, nobody's winning.
Pockets of pigs continue to grow while ones they call peasants, sit in the snow.
Kerosine's sparse, lights about to go out
as the wealthy eat steak, warm,
in their 12 bedroom house.
The people of NC are feezing
43 · Mar 2018
Red
Renae Mar 2018
Red
Truth is
I search for you
Highs & lows of lyricists

Lost in emotion

Every thought
Like red wine on white carpet

Stained forever

Try as you may to forget
even the faintest spot remains
As a reminder
of that one night
39 · Apr 2020
Venting
Renae Apr 2020
Have you ever been so mentally exhausted it cripples you
Mentally cornered
With no way out
The blinders are thick
No choices remain
Your eyes burn from watching the same ridiculousness  
Replaying itself to death
The horror of constant mondaine existence
Have you ever felt like this life is a joke?
Like the whole system is a joke?
Congratulations, you're woke
This mess is the world we live in
The stinch of hypocrisy
rules like a god
Self righteous judges clothed as sheep
Sitying on high horses pointing blood stained fingers of blame at the innocent.
37 · Aug 2020
All I know
Renae Aug 2020
All I know is
everybody wants to feel special
Everyone believes they are
And who am I to disagree?
I think maybe once or twice
I almost accepted
what I was feeling as divine
Only to open my eyes
To the trickery that kept
Steering me blind
One day I decided not to play
I ended the game
Now I stay lost in moments  
Trying to forget meaningless things.
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