and since you've left me, I'm so alone.

i kept thinking of
maybe telling him how i
felt about him.
it sounds stupid but
i feel like not only would he
be sweet about it but
that he'd open up his arms and
say that he wants us to be close.
no, i do not mean he'll leave his
fiancé for me, but as in
friendship close.

when even after i graduate
nothing with matter.
we'll be friends and still talk,
go out for a coffee and have a chat.
we'll have a great friendship.
thats all i want.
i just... i want him.
to want to be around him,
and know him and see him
for who he truly is.

i want him to be honest and loving
and funny and kind and my friend.
i want him to be weird with me and to
smile even when i look so, so terrible and for him
to still teach me things even though im not
his student anymore.

i want him.
but, it looks like I'm not even
describing a friendship anymore.

I want to
Tuck you in at night and
Sing you to sleep.

I want to
Wake up next to you,
Big spoon and all,
And nuzzle in the crook of your neck.

I want to
Wake you up
By kissing you all over and
Saying, "Goodmorning Beautiful!"

I want to
Hold hands with you
And cuddle while watching your
Favorite movies.

I want to
Sigh as you
Find that knot in my neck and
Rub it till it's untied.

I want to
Hold back tears
As you read me my
favorite book.

I want to
Fall asleep
As I play with your hair and
Think about what'll come tomorrow.

Last night I washed my sheets, because they smelled like you.
How could it be over two months and they still ******* smell like you?
And I finally washed those shirts, the flannel one and the pink one?
Yeah, I washed those too.
For the first few weeks that you were gone,
I alternated between them.
I would sleep in the flannel the most though,
it was your favorite, afterall.
But, I finally washed them.
They don't smell completely like you anymore.
My tears are gone from them
and the scent of your skin is fading.
You'll never completely go though, will you?
You may have left, but you're still somehow here.

But I'd die if I tried.

When you look at her,
You crack a smile.
When you look at me,
You look right through.
I'm sure you know,
How I feel.
But when she comes by,
I mustn't be real.
Do I mean a single thing?
In your heart do I have a place?

I wish I knew.

How does one know when they are in love?
To find that one special person
And to complete the other
Fully one,
together.

But when you look at her,
I disappear.
I wasn't ever real
Am I at all?

I wish I knew.

its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

but i just regret that we were not able to have that everlasting love that we dreamed of.

he gave me a christmas present today.
a coffee cup and some toys.
sounds childish, but i really
appreciate anything that
lights up and sings.

he came next to me and said,
"i have a gift for you."
i walked next to him and
he put in it my hands and said,
"everyone deserves toys, even
when they're a bit older."
and smiled so wide.

i looked up at him and said,
" thank you. thank you so much."
and opened up my arms because
this time i would be the one who
embraced him.

i honestly didn't want to let go.
he makes me feel safe.
he is what home should feel like.
he is a wonderful and lovely person.
and i just cannot get enough of him.

I wanted to share your
Venom tonight.
Your hot,
Wet
Breath that
Tastes like whiskey and
Cigarettes.

I wanted to and
We almost did.

I watched him
Rock his body back and
Forth.
Thinking of how he could
Easily destroy me.
Thinking of the
Tender kisses and the
Heated fingertips on my skin.
He closed his eyes,
Listening to the music he loved,
Thinking of nothing but
The beautiful sound.
But he turned his head,
Looked at me,
Put out his hands and
Pulled me gently towards him to
Share his love.

I was in his arms and
I felt like the world was finally
Okay.
I didn't feel the need to
Want my bestfriend nor
My teacher,
My handsome mentor.
I didn't feel the need to
Stop breathing.
Instead you gave me breath.

I'd give anything to be
Eighteen right now.
To be
Free to
Do as I please.
To travel,
Not only the world but
The secrets within you.
To be able to
Run my fingers through your
Chest hair.
To be able to
Scream your name countless times.
To be able to
Know you in every possible way.

Why is it that I
Always fall for the older guys and
They do the same too?

I kissed your
Necklace last night because
It's an old time saying.
My mom even told me so.
I remember my lips on the
Small circle.
I remember looking up at you,
With you looking at me.
My God,
What were you thinking
As I laid my
Lips
Onto your necklace?

i had been saved just 18 days before
you walked into my life.
it was like God sent me my own angel
from up above!

Jealousy is a sad thing to go through.
I can't go see him without feeling
Awkward since I'm not
His student anymore nor
Do I feel like I'm
As special cause
He has others
In my
Place.

I wish I were yours again.
It's a terrible feeling,
Jealousy.

Wash me with your blood,
Cleanse me of my sins,
And remind me of all I have to live for.

It was my first time
And I was dreading it.
I felt like God and I just weren't on the same page.
After all, I was in love with a girl
and I am a girl.
So, I thought I was ******.
But, I put away those thoughts for those few days
And I prayed.
I prayed as hard and as loud as I could.
For the first two days I made sure I talked to nobody.
I didn't want them to know how awful I was.
I had done so many awful things,
Especially in the past few weeks before I had went there.
So I prayed.
I asked for forgiveness.
I know I got it from him, and never really from you.
But, I learned something at camp.
I cried, and I knelt down on the ground and pleaded,
"God, please. I'll do anything to undo the pain I caused.
I don't want her to hurt, I can feel it, I can feel her pain."
And while I never really got an outright answer,
Something happened.
I was learning how to forgive myself.
It's so important to learn how to do that,
Because not everyone will completely forgive you,
Maybe people like me can easily forgive others,
But many others cannot.
And with you, I never really understood why you tried so hard to forgive me.
I still think it was because you loved me,
But even that seems too radical and unrealistic now.
Forgiveness is something so powerful.
It helps you put away the bad,
And it helps you to move on.
We both have hurt each other,
It's just a matter of forgiveness now.
So the question is:
*Will I forgive you and will you forgive me?

i bring out the child in him.
you'd think by the way he shoots nerf gun bullets at me,
that he would have pierced my heart earlier in the year.
but, he grew on me with his childish smirk and those blue eyes.
when he sips the green tea out of the cup i gave him my lip quivers.
when he says my name my heart stops just as quickly as it started.
when he tells me that i am pretty and that i am worth so much more,
what does he mean?

are the gifts just a coincidence?
are the nice words just nice words?
is everything i am feeling even real?

and for the first time in awhile, I've completely opened up to someone who really cares about me. How nice it was to speak so honestly with you, thank you so much.

Every time I go to this
Wonderful store I
Spend a lot of
Money.
But, since the first day I
Went, this one guy named
John was the one who
Greeted me.
He welcomed me in,
Made a nice conversation and
Even dared to look me in the
Eyes.

I noticed how often I
Go there now and
I understand that
I only go there to
See him and that
Warm smile
Of his.

she's coming spend the night
tomorrow and i just can't wait.
we used to have crushes on
each other but now she
has a girlfriend and
i've missed my
chance.

is it bad that i still hope she might
want to kiss me?

Its been a year today,
And while you've been gone
I've looked at your picture on my mirror everyday.
When you died,
Something happened to me.
I went to back to my classroom after they told me
and took a pair of scissors from my teachers desk.
Nobody saw, nobody would know.
And I walked to the bathroom as calmly as I could,
And I went to the last stall,
And locked it.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around at the beige colored tiles
and I couldn't catch my own breath anymore.
Everything seemed so bleak.
I asked myself, "I wonder if he regrets it?"
But alas, no answer.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
Before I went into the bathroom,
I was sobbing
And playing out whether or not I should run out of the building
And get hit by oncoming traffic.
I decided against it.
Not because I wanted to live,
But because my best friend was holding onto me
And my blackened tears were already stained onto her shirt.
I couldn't leave like that.
No, I would do it later
Even my own girlfriend didn't make me happier.
But that's the thing,
You cant fill a hole in your heart with another person.
It only works for a little while,
And alas, I was still so depressed.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I wore makeup that day,
And my teacher took her antidepressants
in front of me.
She wouldn't tell me why,
Because then she would have started sobbing.
But I knew his empty seat was
so much more than an physical absence that day.
Something felt different in the air,
And it was so cold.
You could feel it everywhere,
Even before everyone knew.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
As I looked down at my wrist,
I pressed down to where i had made lines only just a few days before.
I needed more lines,
I deserved more lines.
Somehow I made everything that happened into my own fault.
And I cut once,
And twice,
And then I stooped.
I looked up and heard some girls calling for me,
Some girls I didn't really know,
But they were concerned.
As they started towards the stall I was in,
I scrambled to hide the scissors.
I was so ashamed.
I rolled down my sleeves,
And opened the stall door.
As they opened their arms,
I wept.
I had cried so much that day,
I wasn't sure I was 70 percent water anymore.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around as I followed them into another classroom.
And I talked with my friends.
And I made up the saying "Juan is light" in Spanish.
And that day,
I had made a promise to not only myself,
But you.
I would never harm myself again.
And today, I am proud to say that no matter how hard life has been
(especially of late)
And how much I've wanted to see the blood drip
from my wrists,
I have kept my promise.
And I plan on keeping of forever for you, Juan.
I hope everything is okay whenever you may be,
Thank you for everything.
You will always be remembered.

My Aunt was hemming my
     skirt for school today.
              And as I stood on the chair
        To try it on,
     I realized the hook on the
        Ceiling could easily
     Fit a rope,
  Then I could tie
A noose and
   Put my head in
And kick
    The chair
                                                    Away.

yes i knew the date and i remembered everything about it.
i remember the streams of light that came through the window
as i cried and cried in my nephews bed, begging for you to not die.
i sobbed as you said your last "i love you" before you went under
and maybe thats why i woke up at 7 this morning with the same heaviness in my chest that i felt last year on this day and with tears rolling down my cheeks. i remember the 5 heart-wrenching messages i sent you. and i remember wishing my sister wasn't such an *******, because yes, i was crying that the girl i loved was going to have screws and rods in her back, it frightened the hell out of me because of the possibility that something could go wrong was relatively high.
i didn't know what i would do without her.
i still don't know sometimes.

I'm scared and

Nobody seems to

Understand

What they mean't to me.

But, you see,

Now that they're gone

Everything has been

Alot better.

I've put my demons

Away and

They haven't bothered me

Since then.


But why do you feel the need to
Bring them back?

mhm, yes, touch me there!*
Said my mind when he accidentally brushed his
Hand with mine.
more please more!
Said my mind as he looked so deeply
Into my eyes.
i feel something so beautiful for you
Says my heart every time I say your name.
i wish you felt the same
Says my lips every time you pass me by.

She told me, "just wait. If he wants, he'll call you back."
But why should I wait around all day for someone who cannot seem to take a few moments out of their day to say hello?
I do not have time to waste on those who do not have time for me.
I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.
I'm too busy to keep thinking that we "could've been" something.
I'm just too busy to think about you at all.

I'm hungry.
But I ate two whole meals today.
Why must I be so
Hungry?
I still have calories left for today..
Maybe just one cookie will do.
Nah, to lazy.

I'll just drink some more water,
That should fill me up.

I can't help but
Love what you write.
Those twisted words that
Mean so little.
I can't help but
Re-read it again.
There is something about the
Way the words look
On here.
I can't help but
Envy his soul.
I'm not him and
I'll never mean that much.
Death would be easier but
I'm not up for easy things.
I like challenges and puzzles.
That's why I won't end my
Labyrinth called life.
I'll keep living for the sake of
You.

"Hey Rach, You okay?"
"Rach, you don't look so well..."
"Need a hug?"
"We all miss him..."
"Rach, answer me, please."
"Do you need to talk?"
"Rach... please..."
"You may fight your demons, but at least you won."

All of the things I heard today
and yet I still feel numb.
The sadness is numbing
the pain is numbing
but no matter how many
trips to NASA or sweet kisses
she gives me, I do not think that
I'll ever forget how I feel right now.

I have never felt so much anger
and sadness and rage and guilt
all at once.

I want to throw up and cry and
wish I were dead as well.

But, seeing all of these people who
seem like they care, I guess it would
hurt for them too.

Death seems to affect all of us.
Even to those who never knew
them personally, just the thought
of death brings people to tears.

I guess for me it just makes me
numb now. Numb and sad.
I can't cut because I feel like it
would dishonor his death.
When I cry, I still see him
behind my tears.
I cannot even *blink
without seeing him..

My dreams are dreamless and
my emotions are fading.
It seems harder to breathe now
and the light is barely tolerable.
I want to hide and scream and
cry my way out of this hole I've
sunken back into, but I cannot.

I have too many things going for me.
I just have to keep trying.

Do you think I'm stupid?
All of your sweet words and
your good morning texts
won't make me want you
more.

I had a fantastic dream last night:
Instead of just kissing the
Top of your head I
Dared to kiss your forehead,
Go lower,
Kiss the tip of your nose,
Go lower and stop.
I laughed a bit,
Smiled and knew I was a goner.
But then
Sonething weird happened.
I saw your eyes searching me
And
You simply told me,
"kiss me"
I looked at you,
Astonished,
And said,
"Really?"
You smiled and kept pleading me to do so,
So I took your face and
Grabbed it smoothly,
You puckered your lips and
I gently put mine
Onto yours

I remember how you
Tasted in that dream-
Alot like strawberries (I'm not find of strawberries
But they tasted good mixed with you)
And you were so sweet.
so sweet.

I missed that chance though,
I wish it could've happened.

Wether it's a peck
Or a long make out session
Under the stars
They all feel the same:
Every time my lips touch any
Part of your body I feel as if I have melted
Into your skin and am pouring into your pores.
I am traveling though your blood stream
Surfing on top of your blood cells and I am
Trying to seep into your heart
To be purified by the beauty and love
That is being made inside of you.

I love kissing you because every time I do,
You reassure me that there is a heaven
Wether it be on your lips or in
The stars.

I believe
Everyone
Deserves a chance.
No matter what
Race
Culture
Sexuality
Gender;
Everyone does.
Even if
Bad people do
Bad things,
Does that really make them
Bad?

You can't
judge
A person
From one look.
It's not fair.

I bet when people
Look at your wrists,
They think you're a
monster
For cutting your skin.

You do as well.

But I'll kiss your
Scars
If you'd let me.

her knees are soft and bruised.
I have done nothing to make this happen,
they bruise from the inside out
and it creates this painfully beautiful spectrum of
purples, blues, and greens.
she is a painfully beautiful canvas that I
constantly paint on.
I realize that she is strong in this sense,
She says no when need be,
And begs please.. when she can't wait anymore.
I am her brush and I am ready to paint her.

And what love is bliss?
The light of her soul
brightens my ever darkened
home.

If I pinned you against the wall
and slipped my tongue
into places unknown
would you let me
discover your
truths?

I'm always so worried about you
and I always want to know how you are
and I just care about you so tenderly...
I just want you to be safe.

Is it right to call you a dream?
A dream I'd never see come true?
I didn't believe in dreams,
until they came true.
California, UC Berkeley,
and someone to call mine.
But here you are--
and suddenly words cannot
seem to describe how beautiful
and how perfect I know we are
for each other.

You are a dream come true.
And I love you.

While at church
they asked us a very simple question,
"What label(s) have you given yourself?"
I thought for a second and I shuddered at the thought.
So many different horrible labels laid themselves on my heart
and a few of them stuck out:
Burden,
Unlovable,
Disappointment,
Selfish,
Undeserving.
M­any more came to mind, but these just kept coming back.
I am a burden, because I constantly feel like I annoy everyone and that I am just getting in the way. I'm just worthless, there is no point in burdening people with my existence.
I am unlovable, because how could anyone love me with the things I've done? How could anyone ever love me? Even she couldn't ever love me fully after what I did.
I am a dissapointment, because I am not who my family thinks I am. I know the second I come out, they will shun me. There is no doubt about that. And I've just been slacking with everything. While I may be the "most intelligent" on my family, I am most definitely not the most stable. My highs and lows are starting to get the best of me, and I am so afraid to cry for help. I'll never be as good as them, so I am not only a disappointment to my family, but to myself as well.
I am selfish. Holy hell, I am so selfish. You always told me that I was unselfish, but on the day you found out, it was all I heard. You yelled at me quietly as you sobbed, and I looked at you with tears coming down my face as you asked how I could be so selfish and how I could hurt you like that. I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never get that image of you out of my mind, it's on a constant replay.
And I am undeserving, because how could I ever deserve something so beautiful ever again? I don't deserve anything but the worst life could give me. Those few weeks after, anytime I cried I had people come and hold me and say, "how could you ever deserve this kind of pain? You don't, you're the sweetest and kindest person I know." But that's the thing, i did deserve it. After what I did to you, I deserved all of the pain in the world. I still do, don't I?

i used to think that you were a gift from God.
after all, you came around after i was saved.
i used to use you in my testimony, too.
i never believed them when they said the Devil was testing me.
i had given in quite a few times to him.
but i never, not even for a second, believed that you were
anything but God-given.

what are you now?
a story i'll tell my children when they ask about
the many photos i have of us?
a tall-tale about love that i ruined with my
blackened heart and tarnished promises?
a lost girl with eyes of gold?
advice i'll give to those whom ask about our time together in relation
to their own problems?

my promise still stands.
i won't **** myself.
i have tried enough times to now that
i can't even do that much right.
but i was never going to **** myself over your words
or your actions.
i wanted to die because of myself
and the choices I've made in my own life that
have nothing to do with you.
I've made more mistakes than you could ever know,
leigh.
ones that nobody know about.

i think what is important is the betterment of myself
and of all.
and i don't believe that my death with help.
maybe you do,
but i do not.
i believe my life is worth a lot more than that,
for my God tells me so.

you can try to choke me with your words
and you can wish death upon me
and even declare that meeting me was the
most unluckiest thing that has ever happened in your life.
but just know that all I've ever wanted for you was the best.
and that means that the chapter of you in my life is now over,
because what is best for you is not me.
we should've known that a long time ago.
maybe we did,
but we just didn't want to say it out loud.

so have the best.
live a happy life.
be the best you can be.
smile, laugh, and learn from the unlucky chapter in your life that was
me.

that's all i can say.
i still believe that you were God-given,
you know.
like i said, i never once believed that you weren't.
so take your God-given gifts and love with all of your might.

you've taught me so much,
and i'll forever be grateful for the time you were in my life.
even though you don't feel the same about me.

My nightmares were
About you.

the moment you realize
that you **** everything up
from friends to your body to
even the ones you love the most.
that my dear, is what growing up is like.
the feeling of worthlessness and complete
and utter failure is my life cycle.
constantly going from good to bad
in a matter of seconds,
i am a real life interpretation of the word "Failure".

i cant even email my teacher anymore,
because i am seen as "treated special"
and her "favorite". what the hell?
all i am saying is, if a teacher told,
i can understand. but,
if a student told?

ill ******* rip their head off.

rant done

And I let myself cry, but not for long. I'm not going to let you ruin this too.

sometimes when i
think of you the
bad dreams
disappear.

but, other times
they reappear and
hurt me more than
ever.

im still not sure if
you meant to hurt
me or to show that
you care,

but darling im in
hell and this isnt
really fair.

I'll be staying till
night falls today.
I'll be doing
experiments
and testing
out my
hypothesis'.

Call me a dork,
but I'd rather do
this on a cold
Thursday night
than cut
myself to
sleep.