"I guess he switched the straight flip in her brain"
*NO NO NO ******* LOOK MAYBE IM NOT OKAY WITH WHATS GOING ON BUT HER HAPPINESS IS MY ONLY CONCERN SO ******* FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT SAYING SOMETHING SO DELUSIONAL AND ******* ALL FOR EVEN THINKING THAT. HOW DARE YOU, NONE OF YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE THE LOVE THAT WE HAD IN YOUR LIVES IF YOU KEEP THINKING SO SHITTILY SO *******.

yeah, me neither.

and as i pass my mirror, i wonder if the girl who i used to see there ever thought she'd become the girl she is now: a monster.

How liberating it is to say "No", even if it is only in my dreams.

and last night I finally dreamed for the first time in a long time. and it was completely wonderful.

you may have stolen them, but I have new ones now that are completely mine.

I've started dreaming about good things again.
he pulls me onto the dance floor and
tells me how beautiful i am.
he kisses me with such passion again and
reminds me of how hungry i am for something more.
and i step on his toes,
because he's so **** tall and
im a horrible dancer.

she and i talk about these dreams and
we add more stories to it.
we laugh because they're silly but
at the same time,
they're realistic.
they could easily come true
for the both of us.

we just need to get over our fears and
take the next step into our
futures.

I've drempt of the moment that
You realize the words I write
Actually mean something.
But, in reality
They never really will.

I have always wished for a
Happily ever after.
I never really got one
Because I don't
Exactly deserve
One.

I'm so confused,
I'm drowning.

i thought i could handle
not being yours but when
trying to describe why i
feel the way i do i just
completley breakdown.

i tried describing your eyes
to someone who has never had the
beautiful chance to be in your vicinity and
i could barely get through to the
part of where i compare thy
eyes to an ocean after a
strong storm.

what should i do?
its easier now to be around you but
should i even try?
you've picked me up and brought out my
wings but can i really fly?

oh dear, please tell me because
i'll drown without you here.
im drowning in the ocean that is
you and im not sure if i should
cry out in fear.

maybe im better off in a
kiddie pool.

****.

"why did you kiss me? what were your intentions? i know how i feel and now you know, so i need to know"

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to **** one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”

Well... hey Easter bunny.. Remember me?
It's Rachel... It's been awhile. I mean, I don't really remember talking to you as a kid but honestly, I don't remember much anyways. Everything inside of my head seems so dark now.
Bright colors seem foreign and so do the stars (even though I look at them every single night...) but now only my fears stay deep within my thoughts.
Anyways, I have several wishes:
#1 Give Juan something good up there. He always seemed to like the brownies one of the girls in my Spanish class would bring, could you bring him some of those? And tell him some funny jokes... He always had the nicest laugh.
#2 Make sure to bring my girlfriend something sweet. She deserves it. I couldn't be with her for our 2nd month anniversary, but hopefully there will be more to come. Just give her something good... well... not too good. Ha.
#3 I guess this is kind of selfish... I could be asking to help my friends or save all of the sick children... but instead I am asking for your help. I have so many thoughts in my head and it sure would mean a hell of a lot to my friends and I if they would disappear. I would hate to make them come true.

So, Thank you and please also give us world peace.

*( I must be a foolish child if I am asking for world peace )

i sit here on the                                          edge
of my bed and i watch you
as you watch the
rain f
         a
           l
            l
outside of my window.
when all of this rain clears up,
will you then shed a tear or two for me, my dear?
won't this last or will we be thrown into the depths of the sea?
i do not wish to get lost in the ocean of being "just friends".
I'm just wondering how many lullabies will be sung until you
dream of me again?

I'm still listening.
The voices are
Telling me things.
my voice screams at them and
Trys to reason with them.
she should be dead
i should live, shouldn't I?
youre ugly, fat, and a ***, you're a disgrace to mankind
but I could help
youre worthless
I'm not sure who to believe,
They run back and forth and
I'm very confused.
I don't know what to do.

i noticed that
i'm nothing like a
covalent bond.
they share;
i can't seem to do that
with anything.
i'm more of an
ionic bond.
they gain and lose electrons...
just like me.
except,
i don't gain and lose electrons.
i gain and (mostly) lose friends and
other relationships and
i know the reason why:
because i'm nothing
like a covalent bond.
i can't share my friends
and it's becoming a problem
for not just them
but for myself too.
i become selfish and
possessive and
i always wondered why
people would leave me and
yet i'm the one who
pushed them out of
my electron cloud.

baby, don't let winter come, don't let your heart freeze

I'm practically being kicked out.
No, silly,
Not out of my house or anything.
Just out of my position.
My favorite and least-favorite
position.
Well,
I would tell you all what position it is
but that's not how I work,
now do I?

I don't have much rage
I'm just crying.
No biggie.
I always cry
this time feels different
because I finally understand
that I was just filling that
position in.
That I was just
"keeping it warm"
for someone better to come along.
Technically,
they've been here the whole time though,
they were just hiding in the shadows,
lurking,
waiting,
till you were at your most
vunerable.

After all,
thats what demons are best at,
waiting.
Waiting till you need someone the most
so that they can put on a mask and
act like they'll always be there for you.
That they're your friend.
HA!
I've learned alot over the past year and
even though I may trust many,
I don't keep them close because,
you're right:
They always leave.

Even you will.

"well I just want to be the exception, because I always have been"

sometimes being the exception isn't always the best thing. after all, most exceptions become not enough anymore. and it hurts like hell to think of how you once were an exception, and now you're just nothing.

I used to want to lose a ton of weight,
And not healthily either.
I wanted to just shed off the pounds
From my stomach,
My legs.
I hated myself.

I finally got over it though.
I lost a bit of weight healthily,
Changed for the good of myself.
But then I read what was going in in my mind back then,
Everything changed again.

I want to throw up so much,
The thoughts are back.
I want to numb the pain,
Drown some pills.
To the point of no return.
I'm turning to dust,
I want to lose the weight I've gained,
Not only on my body
But in my mind.
I'm suffering from
Death.
It pulls me back and forth
It wants me there
But first it wants to me to lose
The excess weight.

I guess I should, huh?

It wouldn't be fair to
God
Or
The devil
Right?
No, not at all.
Who could love
Or even hate
Someone
So
Fat.

the thought of seeing you again makes me hopeful for the future, god I've missed you

and I expected nothing more and nothing less of you

I've seen what happens when you try to forget your expectations of people.
Like for you, I do not expect anything from you anymore.
And from her, I sort of expect friendship, but even that is going away.
And from him, well, it was good while it lasted, the phone calls and the way his mouth would curl up as he called me beautiful.
But, having expectations of people can and will only lead to sheer disappointment.
Which is why I am officially putting away whatever expectations I have for anyone in my life, because I'm tired of being disappointed.
Not only in the people around me, but in myself as well.

her golden eyes find their way to me
as if she was drawn to me like
pharaohs fluid is drawn to magnets.
her golden eyes speak the truth like
two plus two is four.
her golden eyes know me like
her fingers know every single curve of my body.
I simple cannot tell you how much I love her.

I put on that fake smile
Hoping someone would notice.
Hoping someone would care.
But the people that seem to fall into my life
Never really do.

There goes that
Fake smile again.

Seems to me like we're
F
  A
     L
        L
           I
             N
                G
But to where?
I don't know.
Most likely
Down
Or possibly even
In love.

How can one be
So sure?

I was at the outlet mall and
I was happy, even excited.
I was happy to see smiling faces,
bright eyed kids,
the elderly hand in hand.
I was happy.
Until my Mom and Sister decided to
rain on my parade and tell me that
I really need to get a grip on life,
to stop being so rude and
to be more Catholic and to
get better grades and to
lose more weight.
Like they said,
I should probably
start counting
calories.

Okay, sure,
no worries.
I'm not already constantly
thinking about sticking a
finger down my throat to
make me skinnier or
to stop eating all
together.

Nope,
why would I do
that?

I'm not saying I will,
but I'm not saying I
haven't.

I just wish they'd understand that
words get to me and
that maybe I'm not as strong as
they think I might be and that
what they say
stays in my mind
forever.

By the way,
I've lost about
6 pounds.

Yippie.

I didn't want to become him, but over the summer I morphed into him as fast as *lightning.

You just want control.
Like a puppet master, you
wish to hold the strings.
Or like a god over his people,
you wish to be the one who
has the last and only say.
Why do you need to control everything?
Why must you carry so much weight
on the top of your shoulders?

I have many feelings.
Probably too many feelings.
But that does not give you the right to
give me "friendly advice" about what I should
and should not write about.

If I want to write about the spiritual act of
making love that my girlfriend and I share together
Then I most certainly will.
If I wish to write to write about how I used to
cut my skin and enjoy the way my blood
flowed from my it,
Then I most certainly will.
If I need to write about how afraid I am
That even my own family will not accept me
Then I most certainly will.

This is my way of therapy.
If you do not want to know,
Then DO NOT read it!
Isn't that SO simple?
Do not complain about the things I write about
When you read way worse things.

Screaming my feelings,
Left and right.
Doing time,
Throughout the night.

I've been thinking I should
Leave
Even though you all ask me to stay.
But
Notice how I said "ask"
Instead of "want."
You don't want me to and
Even if you did it'd be fiction:
A lie.

I'll be fine as
Long as you are too.

I see fire burning where I know I can put her out with one touch.

You know what I noticed?
If she was still in your life
We wouldn't have made our plans.
You'd still want to live with her and
Such.
And our travel plans and
Apartment living wouldn't even
exist.
Think about that for a second.
I personally think that
You just moved onto the
Next best thing.
Well sorry honey,
I'm not second place material.
I'm first class and I deserve
To be happy.

But for some reason,
I still believe that's where my happiness comes from.
*You.

Focus on yourself
And I'll do the same
I'll care about you and still ask if you're okay.
But I'm not giving up until
You and I have time to cool down
And really think about this
And what happened.
I love you,
We will Figure this out.
It hurts too much to be the
Best thing for us.

It'll take some very
hard work and some
time.
But, I think if I
keep a Food Journal then
I can keep
track of my
weight for
once.

I ask for too much.
Rach, not today, okay?
Of course. Yeah, sure baby.
I only feel with you
Not saying I cannot feel while
being right next to you but
I seem to feel more and       f
                                              o
                                            r
                                          g
                                        e
                                      t
everything else that I cannot control.
I can control the speed I move your hips
and the taste I put onto my lips
and the moans that escape your
mouth. Even with the shivers that
I feel go down your spine,
every single touch makes me
feel so much more alive.

I'm just trying to
Forget.