For sure the woman
killed her husband -
she served him hot soup
mixed well with poison

But her defense lawyer wanted
to give her a chance
so maybe she could get
a few years instead of life

And so he asked her as
she stood in the box:
“Mrs Tile, did you feel any remorse,
considering you killed your husband?”

“Sure, I did,” said Mrs Tile
*“when he asked for second helpings”

We had to camp out in the woods
my deputy and I, on duty
at the last Town Music Festival
and as we lay down
I said to my deputy:
"Deputy, tell me what you see"

And my deputy described the stars
and the moon and the heavens
with infectious passion and poetic intensity;
and the deputy spoke with feeling
of soaring heights and sublime elation -
and then with a triumphant air
he turned to me: "Now it's your turn,
Sheriff - tell me what you see"

And I said: *"Someone, deputy,
has stolen our tent..."

Well, my deputy had been in the job
a month into it
and the deputy called me on the phone
from the woods nearby, on routine duty:
"Hello sheriff – there’s a body here,
I just noticed, below a tree…he appears dead
What do I do?"

"Well," I answered, with authority
"Before we take things any further,
first, let’s ensure he’s dead -"

And my deputy said:
"Hang on..."
And then my deputy was back on the phone:
*"OK, I just put 3 bullets in him
I’m dead sure he’s dead
What do I do next?"

Well, a month into the job
as local sheriff I needed an assistant
and so I advertised and got one interviewee
“What’s 1 plus 1?” I asked
“11,” came the swift reply

Well, I thought, that was creative,
and might be useful in the job
and so I said:
“What two days of the week start with T?”
“Today and Tomorrow,” was the reply

Well, maybe that’s how creative people are, I thought,
in this part of the country;
so I narrowed things to general knowledge:
“Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

“Wow!” said the candidate, completely elated.
*“You mean I got the job
and you’re already putting me
on my first ****** case?’

the holy home (and possibly strict)
has its dining adorned with a sign:
Pray before you eat
The sign may be literal, or invisible

at the grocer's today I saw
this sign pasted on to a big box
of loose sumptuous dates:
*"Pay before you eat"

you visit this disused Olde Gaol
remote, renowned
250 years old and now a musuem;
and rumoured to be haunted

you love the thrill but fear meeting
a ghost,  the one said to make
unexpected appearance in this prison
"I love the excitement," you tell the guide
"but I'd die if I met one"

The guide pooh-poohs your suggestion
and says: "In all my time here
I have yet to see a ghost"

"And how long," you ask, "have you
worked here?"

And the guide answers: *"245 years"

My love, my sweetheart
she is as white as cold milk
at will as transparent as glass;
her lips are red, as red as dripping blood

she wakes me up each night
with a newly-plucked out
still-beating heart
of all varieties of human emotions:
"Breakfast in bed?" she croons

O her every word is a scream
her every look burns the spirit
she shrieks and groans and moans
enough to raise me up to the clouds
O her very touch is icy cold
her embrace is as delightful as being
in the arms of Queen Winter -
O...Ooo...wwooooh...should I compare her in a sonnet to a Winter's night?
but that would be groundless
for she excels
every unpleasantness
and horror, and she breaks all form

My love
she screeches like car tyres in a sudden stop
she scratches down my back
like a tractor on farm land
her eyes are hollow
and we exchange worms when we kiss;
her ears pop out
of her dry, unkempt straggly hair -
O she drives me into long howls, that wild wild
ghost of once a woman

O eternity,  eternity with my cold, cold love
O what would I not give to be always
and always
in spirit with her -
O I could die forever
to be in the cold, cold embrace
of my hollow-eyed screamy love