i can't catch my breath when i'm away from you and my mind keeps going back to your lips, i can't think straight. i wonder if you can't sleep at night and i wonder what it's like to be next to you every moment of the day. maybe i'm nervous about leaving for school in a few months and i know i get choked up but i can't stop thinking about the "stay" and the "please don't leave me" but what's going to happen when i'm hours away? i'm terrified of goodbyes. the first time i saw you i knew i'd love you forever and i knew it'd hurt. i knew you'd wait for me to let you know i arrived home safely and i knew you'd care. i get hung up on the moments you trace my knee cap and the moments when you leave traces of kisses around my neck. sometimes i wonder why you're looking at me and my hair on the back of my neck stands up when you do. your voice against my hair makes me feel safe and i can't stand knowing i have to leave this place soon. but here i am back to wondering why the ******* fell for me in the first place. the hair on the back of my neck is still standing and a trail of goosebumps goes down my spine.

i punch the **** out of the porcelain sink
in the upstairs bathroom
the carpets already maroon
maybe the blood won't stain
everything else is out of my control
just something to make myself feel
my knuckles get more red as the time goes on
my fingers are swollen
but i keep punching the **** out of the porcelain sink

i like the sound of my name leaving the tip of your tongue
your eyes are green like a bed of flowers i planted on my birthday
a birthday on a beautiful summer day
with a tint of blue
the sun peeking between the clouds
i like the way you talk about your future
our future
you're going to take care of me
you're going to make sure i'm okay
i'm going to take care of you
i'm going to do my best
because i know that love needs to be full of kept promises and the dreams we right down on a scratch of paper
just so we don't forget
i can't forget the way your voice sounds when you wake up
and i can't forget the way you smile
because you're a breath of fresh air
on a beautiful summer day

There is joy
and it is within a yellow flower,
inside an unopened letter,
inside his t-shirt on your floor. There
is something else I know.
There is sadness
and it is also inside an unopened letter,
shoved in-between two books.
It probably won't be opened.
Inside sadness there is anger,
inside anger there is despair,
inside despair there is regret.

each buzz,
siren,
honk of the horn
reminds me of him

every person i see walking down the streets

all of the trees in central park

the lone light on in an apartment building

it all reminds me of him

i could be 5000 miles away and i still wouldn't be able to escape him

you cut into my heart as if the blood doesn't even bother you
you tear me down as if you can't hear my cries of help

I don't believe in your god because
I don't believe in myself.
I don't believe in the forever "I love you"
and the book that tells us what
to do.
I believe in the little.
Birds chirping for the first time since winter
type of ****.
I believe in the listening to your favorite song
on repeat.
I believe in inconsistency,
but not in world religions.
I believe in weakness,
but not in your arguments and persuasions.
I believe in soul,
but not that it needs to be saved
to prove the goodness in my heart.
I believe in being unstable.
I don't believe in being
hypocritical.
I don't believe in believing,
because I don't need to.

my own house doesn't even feel at home
every hug, every memory, every bit of laughter
is gone
the love i thought you shared, is now shattered
my childhood
growing up thinking my parents were in love and that love really was real
it's all gone

Can't help but pray for a lifetime with you
God, I love you so much
Oh god, the sound of your heartbeat makes me feel safe

..

God I can hear your heartbeat
I still feel your hands against mine
I still can hear your breath against my neck
I still can see your blue eyes
I still feel your legs tangled between mine
I know the world is black and white
but you fill everything with color
I can still see the red
the blue
the green
the blankets
I still taste your lips
I don't want to see you go so I still remember you hugging me

...

i saw you for the first time in months
you played with my hair
you told me you missed me
the look in your eyes was as beautiful as the moon that night
i can still feel your hand on my thigh
you made my heart skip a beat
i felt so free
i havent smiled in so long
we sang in the car
it was as if nothing happened
you got mad at me for trying to take my life
i have never felt so important
**** the way you make me feel
you say you're no good
you say you can't do a relationship
but you're in love with me
my heart is breaking
i have never felt so useless

i watched the measuring tape around my waist get smaller and smaller
all because of the words you let leave your tongue,
& the brutality you showed me

  i let the blade kiss my skin
all because of the cold shoulder you gave me,
the "I'm proud of you" I never got

  i said goodbye to all of my friends
all because I believed everything you told me
because I let myself think
that I really wasn't worth anything

i tie your kiss around my wrist
i pull the knot extra tight
i can't let it go

you tell me you don't remember what you said to me the other night
i thought i was the drunk one
i thought i could see it in your eyes
please tell me you love me tonight

YOUR ARMS FEEL SO ******* GOOD AROUND ME BUT YOUR HARSH WORDS DON'T

you're laying in bed thinking twice about your life

yesterday you were here with me
it was another tear, another hug
it's complicated but you save me
yesterday you looked into my eyes
yesterday you watched me break down
on my bedroom floor
yesterday you were here with me
oh, i miss you
i wish you would stay but,
do you notice that the stars shine out for you?
you were here with me and
all i could think about was how lucky i am
yesterday you watched me crumble
and you still love me
yesterday you loved me in my down and out
yesterday you were here with me
stay here
stay here with me

you're beautiful
you're beautiful in the way i want to scream your name
you're beautiful in the way you make me smile
you're beautiful in the color of your eyes

things change, they rearrange. it might not always be for the best and your tears may fall but it's always meant to be, just let me be

You were almost as difficult to catch as a bright yellow leaf coming down through a beacon of sunlight.
A stranger.

missing you is like trying to find your way in the dark. it's like nothing could ever be right again, until that moment i see you. i see you again and everything changes. my heartbeat goes from 5 to 29837 miles an hour and god even the ******* temperature changes. my palms get sweaty and my hair sticks to my forehead. i start to miss you even when i'm in your arms and i can hear the sound of your heartbeat. you hug me and tell me to stay. "please don't go just yet." but what are we supposed to do when we live two different lives?
we wait. we wait until i can find the safety in your blue eyes. we wait until i can feel your hand on the small of my back. we wait until you lean in to kiss me because simply saying "hello, i've missed you" won't be good enough.
*i wait until i can see you again.

the world is beautiful but i'm ready to die. i found you but why haven't i found myself? am i supposed to be happy?

"flightless bird"

I wish I felt nothing.

everywhere I go I keep a bottle in my purse
I hear the rattling of each pill
I hear the motion of the pills
around and round
around the orange canister they go
off to sleep
I go
the orange
the orange reminds me of a hot summer day
the sun beating down
burning my cheeks
melting my heart
I feel something
I feel so ice cold
without the orange
without the rattling

i walked the line for you
i find it very easy to be persuaded
i found myself alone at the end of each day
i was a fool for you
i am a fool for you
why did i let you do this to me
you turned me black and blue
and shades of purple
my heart can't beat anymore

I keep telling everyone I hate you and it's almost like I do but you shattered my heart and I'm scared I might forgive you

Don't tell me you've felt pain until you've loved someone who made words feel like broken glass and fingertips with the feeling of gritty sand paper

blood was pouring out of my veins
and you didn't give a ****
your hands were around my neck
and you were killing me with the words that never left your tongue
and i was the one
apologizing

My anxious eyes regret looking into your eyes
that feel like
a warm towel after getting out of the shower.

my symphony played the song that broke my heart. the song haunts me in my sleep every night as I grip the blankets trying to tell myself to keep holding on. the song played louder and louder as I drove away from my broken heart. in my sleep she said come inside, fall asleep it'll be okay, but when I woke up I wouldn't be okay. when I woke up, their mouthes wouldn't tell me it was all just a sick joke. their mouths would scream that song. the song played louder and louder. it'll play on a warm day in August when I'm wishing for their arms around my shoulders. it'll play when I'm in a park kissing my husband, thinking to myself about the terrible lives I had because of their decision. it'll play at a wedding. it'll play at my brother's high school graduation. it'll play at a birthday party. it'll play and it won't stop.

i saw you in my dream last night
your fingers traced the freckles on my thighs
i never knew something could be so wrong
but feel so right
i woke up remembering your eyes
wishing you weren't hours away
your fingers traced my lips
i woke up remembering those nights
laying next to you
wishing you loved me too

there's a park down the street from my summer cottage
I've imagined us sitting on the bench watching our kids play

I got my heart broken on that bench

but the idea of you mending all of my broken places
doesn't seem too bad

everyone i do right does me wrong
i can't put anybody above you but you turned me
black and blue
i watched you rip me to shreds
you never cared
why don't you give a **** about me
i watched myself between your hands
how is it i never noticed that you were slowly
killing me
you turned me black and blue
i hate that i still want you
and i hate that i'd still let you hurt me

there are trees in the sky and a sea in my veins but you consume each thing i see, when i'm alone on a saturday night i just remember your hand on my waist. there's a whole world out there but i want nothing to do with it unless i have you by my side and i can't imagine shrugging you off, i can't imagine my life without you because i fantasize about a white-picket-fence life with you. last night i had a bad dream and i couldn't stop running away, i always run away from people and i know i try to push you away but i need you in my life. how could you know how much i need you?

what makes my heart skip a beat:
your eyes
the way you say my name
when you run your hands through your hair
your cute giggle when i tickle you
the way you trace my knuckles when we hold hands
how you say "i'm sorry"

i blocked your number
this is what i'd send you:

i don't want to let this go but theres not somewhere you can meet me. i have loved you and tried to support you, since the day i met you, but i am still not your number one. and second is not the same. i know you think you aren't doing much to me and you don't think this is a big deal, i am sorry that i fell in love that night we first met. i didn't meant to fall in love. i didn't know i'd get so hurt and this would be so hard. i didn't want to fall in love. you're manipulative and you somehow got me to be everything you needed. i let you shove me around. i let you break me, i thought i was already broken and i thought you knew that but you didn't care. you did not care. and you never will. you promised you'd be there to pick the pieces up and you weren't. you never will care.
i just keep saying this and maybe i will believe it but i keep clinging on to the moments when you cried in my arms and when you pulled me off the ground and wouldn't let me be gone. i just cling to these like stairway railings and i cling so ******* hard the blood can't get to my fingers.
i am so sick of all of these people talking and sick of hanging on to you but its time i move on. i need to move on.
you will never meet anyone that cared like i did. i will never love anybody like i loved you. (love you)

the idea of laying my head on your shoulder after a long day gives me such a safe and relaxed feeling

i got in trouble for day dreaming again today

but i can't help it

you consume my thoughts. what am i supposed to do?

each moment i'm away from you i imagine your hands
i imagine your hands holding mine

i imagine a life where we don't fight
where all we can talk about is how much we adore each other


"i adore you."

i still wear your t-shirt to sleep
i still slit my wrists at night
i feel safe inside your t-shirt at night
i still listen to the songs
that you used to sing
i still replay the sound of your laugh
when i hated the smell of tuna
in your dorm room after
we cuddled
i still remember the way your
fingers felt running
through my hair
i still get excited when i see dogs
i still like to argue
i still cry because i miss you
i still wear your t-shirt to sleep

I thought I didn't believe in God until I met him. This boy, with bright blue eyes. I thought I didn't believe in God because of everything He had put me through. But now, all I can do is thank God for bringing him into my life.

What a ******* trap this is

bipolar disorder
i never know what kind of mood i am going to be in
i miss you and i want you by my side
but i like feeling alone
i hate you
why aren't you by my side

it seems to happen
late at night (or
early in the morning
whatever you
want to call it)
i wake up with a
feeling of such loneliness
such depression
after i call your name
because i can't get
the image of you
holding the door
for me
out of my head
i can't stop dreaming
of your words
"i
      love  
             you."    
or a simple
"you're
              mine."      
and how that was
once so normal
and now,
i haven't even heard
a
   "hello."
in one ******* year
because i don't even know who you are anymore.

why i started loving you:
your eyes
your smile
your ability to make me smile
what i see behind your eyes
the way you carry yourself
(even though most people hate that)
how you don't care what anyone else things
how real you are
how you listened to me when i was sad
you complimented me
you wanted me
you tell me you love me when you're drunk
you let me cry
you let me be angry
you don't mind my craziness

why i need to stop loving you:
you don't want me like want you
i am not prepared to be hurt again
my heart already hurts
you say you're emotionally damaged
i will lose myself if i try to fix you

but i want to fix you

you make me happier than anyone has before but why does it hurt