it seems to happen
late at night (or
early in the morning
whatever you
want to call it)
i wake up with a
feeling of such loneliness
such depression
after i call your name
because i can't get
the image of you
holding the door
for me
out of my head
i can't stop dreaming
of your words
"i
      love  
             you."    
or a simple
"you're
              mine."      
and how that was
once so normal
and now,
i haven't even heard
a
   "hello."
in one ******* year
because i don't even know who you are anymore.

it's not too hard to see through these tears i'm hiding
i promise you i don't know why
i just start to cry

10/27/2014

making someone smile gives me a fraction of peace because i think that at least people will have something to look back on when i'm dead.

make sure you eat dinner.

the time is falling like the leaves around you. move quickly.

don't let anyone tell you you're not worth it.

I'm drinking by myself
I don't know if i'm your girlfriend or not
you don't know I love you
holding the neck of the bottle
as tight as I clench your hand
I'm drinking by myself
I wish you were here

I've never felt so insignificant in my life
Like just another leaf on a tree
Another dog in the park
Another cloud in the sky

you hold me when i'm sitting on the floor and the cries come out of me like thunder in a storm
you grab my hands when they are trembling like branches in the wind
you look into my eyes when the tears flow like a flood
you kiss my scars that look like red rock and you kiss my bruises that are so purple like the galaxies in outer space
you rub my back even when i am sweating from all of the tears
you reassure me when my mind is full of dark storm clouds
you are my sun in a day full of storm

although it feels as though the pieces of your life
are shattered right now,
you can put them back together,
reassemble all of the sharp edges,
piece by piece
although it may not look the same,
you can say you did it
you put yourself back together

put your oxygen mask on
before you assist others

i still listen to the music we listened to in your car on one of our road trips
and all of my friends, they know
they know i haven't been able to handle it
i can't handle the ******* heartbreak i feel everyday
yea, it'll get better over time
but
it's been a ******* year why am i not ok
why can i still not breath when i hear your name
why do i sit there with a blank stare when i have flashbacks of my hair blowing in the wind and your left hand on the steering wheel and your right hand on my knee
tracing infinity signs into my skin
leaving a feeling i'll never be able to ******* forget

I can't do this anymore.

you've never felt heartbreak until you have heard the tears
rolling down your cheek, you haven't said a word to anyone in days
you can't pick up your razor, your hands are too weak
your hands can still feel his hands
you're wearing his sweater from a night you'll always remember
you can't handle the fact that it should be hurting you more than this
you've felt alone for so long now
you've never felt heartbreak until you have to wrap the caution tape
around, and around your heart

you're meaner than my demons

it was pouring down rain but i could still feel the tears rushing down my face. i sat on my driveway looking at the stars.

I'D LET YOU RIP OUT MY GIANT HEART THAT WON'T STOP BEATING AND I'D LET YOU KISS MY UNTIL MY LIPS BECAME NUMB BECAUSE I'D BE YOUR PAPER DOLL IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY. YOU'RE THE ******* NIGHT SKY AND I WANT YOU TO KISS ME BENEATH THE STARS. GOD LET'S GO TO THE CITY AND LET'S GET LOST IN THE BOULEVARDS AT NIGHT. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING. YOU COULD BE TWO DRINKS IN AND I'D BE THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR GLASS.

it's not fair.
i feel your heart beating and it's closing off the blood flow to my brain.
i want to be able to fix your problems and know how you feel and tell you you're beautiful.
but i can't. you don't let me.

YOUVE ALREADY STABBED ME PLEASE STOP TWISTING THE KNIFE

you hate tattoos and that should make sense to me because you're afraid of commitment

living with the "your daughter is severely depressed"
means that you need medicine to function
it's not just a cry for attention
it means you have to search and search for a reason to get out of bed in the morning
you think its over, but then it comes back next winter
you think you're fine, something will hit you, and you can't leave bed for days
im sorry i can't help it, mom

11/27


look what you've done to me
i'm tied down
all my life
i've been on my own
but i'm yours now
and there's no other place i'd rather go
no other place that would compare
to the way you make me feel
baby, look
you've got me in the palm of your hands
i can tell this love is real
look what you've done
you smile and it changes my entire world
i'm yours
and you better be mine

when i told you i wanted you forever
i was giving you a piece of my soul
theres a boy who thinks he wants that piece of my soul
he should know that i am insane
i can hear them whisper but
i had told you i wanted you forever
you couldn't say it back
i can't wake up
i wish this were a dream

i sit in my room with the blinds closed and the lights off. i can hear the rain on the gutters, the gentle wind against my walls. i think about you. i fold and unfold one of your shirts that i never gave back. i accidentally washed it. how could i be so stupid to get rid of a smell so heavenly? the rain picks up and it's almost unpleasant. i sit with my eyes closed hoping i can remember what its like to feel your lips against my neck. all this time is passing by and i can't seem to remember what happened and why. i can tell that clouds are bunching up in the sky. i can hear the gathered rainwater falling to the ground off of the trees. i can hear you say my name.

you told me you loved me again
i was the drunk one
i almost killed myself that night
you followed me home
to make sure i came back

scars are just another type of memory but all of my scars scare me
some deep, some thin
some from yesterday,
some within
these lines each have a story
some because i deserved it,
some because i couldn't handle it

she'll never know you like i know you

the thought of going somewhere nobody knows my name
gives me such joy

the image of a new me
makes me feel like the sunrise on a new day

Some people think that they are so powerful. But that's not the case.
We're all equal. We're all just ethic to keep our heads above water. But oh lord. Lord, am I sinking.

when it's five in the morning and all i can imagine is your hands against my skin it becomes so hard to even breathe

some say there is beauty in the pain
i don't think you know how i have changed all my plans
theres so much time left for me

the last time i saw you,
i could hear my heart breaking
i felt it between us,
the distance
i tried to stay hopeful,
i saw it in your eyes
how did we get to this point,
it was like the timing was off
you were thunder,
i was lightning

i've never been a first choice
i've always been an object
i've never loved like this
i've never been loved like this

when your hands cup my chin
or the small of my back

and you're looking into my eyes

do you see the shattered pieces of my heart
do you see the never ending dark hallways in the back of my head

i've never felt this helpless in my life
what does one do when people around you are dying of cancer
each cell of theirs ******* poison to their body
and all you can do is watch them die
slowly and painfully

**** the old pictures of you and I

you make me feel safe even when my whole ******* world is crashing down

on rainy days i miss u
i let u see all of my secrets
we left them on the porch
i left u on a rainy day
i wish u could have saved me
i wish u would have said something
when i walked out ur door

my colorful mind has turned into black and whites, there's nothing to keep me going. won't it please stop? i want you to love me 'til i'm me again. my head barely leaves my pillow and my hands never stop shaking. my throat is so tight from holding back screams and words that were made for you but they got lost in the graveyard of my mouth.

I thought you were my medicine but you turned out to be my poison.
I thought I needed you always but now I hardly want you.

I wrote down your name when you checked mine off.
- my ten word story

i wish your eyes were as transparent as the alcohol you used to drown yourself in
maybe then i could know what your thinking
instead, all i see is the sky
i wonder what you see when you look into my eyes

I'm flesh & bones
I'm a rolling stone
But he holds my bones up
And he is the blood running through me.

I'll never know what you felt when I told you I loved you

I'll never ******* know

it's really hard
to keep yourself going
when all around you,
people are leaving

no matter how close they are to you
they leave