I feel like I'm drowning but I have all the air in the world. the only thing pulling me closer to death is the ocean that flows from my veins and I can't seem to get up. memories of you are flashing back to me and it hurts to know you stopped caring. my eyelids are heavy and the only thing wrapped around me is this towel but all I want is his arms.

things you left behind:

a case of shaky hands
a shirt you wore the day i fell in love with you
my heart, barely in one piece
(but it's fixed now.)
anger
(your mom still texts me every week)
a piggy bank of money we saved up for our retirement
the walls we painted in my room
(the walls aren't completely covered. it's ironic because you must not have completely loved me)
a box of movie tickets, roses, cards, all memories i haven't removed from under my bed
(your sense of humor is still with me but i don't think its funny that you now drown yourself in cheap alcohol and you probably can't remember my middle name)
bitterness
(i can't stand the thought of me being so weak because of what you did)

_

most of all, you left me behind
you left me to be weak
you left me to cry
you left me to hate myself even more than you hated me
you left me
and you left me so i could learn to love again
and i have, i have learned to love someone so much better than the way you loved me

thank you for leaving me behind

bruised knees and bandaids
your mom is no longer your best friend, she'll scream words that burn your ears
she won't read you fairy tales before you fall asleep at night
CD's and ballet
school buses, new folders and the boy next door named Tyler
he'll want you for your body, he'll spread rumors throughout the school
you'll only want it to go away
girls you share laughter with and teachers you idolize
everything becomes different
the only thing you'll share with those girls is a pack of cigarettes and the stories you hear in the hallway
gummy bears and juice boxes have turned into prescription medicine and shots of *****
just wishing for one good day
your special blankie and your favorite hair bow
hidden in a closet behind the new skirt your dad doesn't like you wearing
disney movies, popcorn made on the stove and your whole family smooshed onto one couch on a friday night
those friday nights turn into another day of choking back cheap alcohol and ignoring your grandmother's emails

pimples and mint life savers
flirting over text and pink lipgloss
crying in class and acting like you hate the world
traveling in groups, friendships you think will last a lifetime and homework you never do
you never thought you'd have to grow up, did you?
everything is temporary
lockers and passing notes
doing everything you can so the cute boy your mother likes will daydream about you, too
everyone in your first hour literature class won't remember your name in 15 years when we all have kids and we marry someone because you simply have no reason not to
colorful backpacks and varsity sports
thinking high school would be the best four years of your life
why would someone lie to you?
gossip and holding hands
you never realized the guy across the hall would break your heart and rip your new blouse, did you?

I promised I'd stop searching for the ocean in my veins

it's october 30th
3 months and 26 days since the first day i really saw you
heart broken, i couldn't get you out of my head
3 months and 18 days since the night i fell in love with you
you, twirling me around on the dance floor
you, just a stranger
you, handsome
you, god why hadn't i met you earlier?
me, a nervous bright-eyed girl
you, a confident boy
me, just a stranger
i fell in love with you
i fell in love with the way you said my name
i fell in love with your gentle hands on my hip as we danced
i fell in love with each conversation we had
i fell in love with you
i fall in love with you, again, each and every single day
3 months and 26 days ago, the most beautiful person walked into my life
i'm not much of a prayer, but i thank god for you every night
i thank god for 3 months and 26 days ago
i fell in love with you
i am in love with you

i've never felt this helpless in my life
what does one do when people around you are dying of cancer
each cell of theirs ******* poison to their body
and all you can do is watch them die
slowly and painfully