You could never see how hurtful your words really were, & you didn't understand when I felt pain.

2. We spent more nights trying to make you love yourself than we did actually loving each other.

3. I tried to trust you after developing trust issues because of someone else, & you defiled the little trust right under my nose. & ever since then I loved you selfishly because I knew in the end you didn't want to be mine.

4. I spent a long time thinking about trying to heal us instead of trying to heal myself & I never put myself first.

5. I got in a relationship with someone who had hurt their exes, assured by both them and myself that they wouldn't do it to me.

6. When I felt powerless & out of control (which I did often), I hurt myself instead of telling myself what I actually deserved.

7. I started looking for answers & for solutions towards things that were not broken.

8. I wanted control so bad because I was always fearful you would find someone whom could take you attention from me. I was right about that one though.

9. We centered our worlds around each other so much that it was lonely & rare just to be without each other.

10. You had told me that all you needed from me was for me to listen, & I had promised that that was what you would receive. But instead I started formulating solutions that you had never desired.

11. I valued myself on how much you loved me, which was a lot, but then when you stopped I wasn't worth the same anymore.

12. When I first thought I didn't want to be in this relationship, I stayed convinced things would get better. When I learned to accept you in order for us to be happy, you learned that you were happier not relying on me.

13. I sought the kind of relationship you had promised we would have before I ever knew if your words were true.

14. Being alone frightens me more than being in an unhappy relationship.

15. I had known for some time that our love was abusive with our words & feelings, but I had hoped you wouldn't see it.

16. I planted all my love & energy for a person who didn't have the same amount t plant for me.

17. All great empires must fall, & ours was the greatest of all.

18. Songs we hadn't even comprehended became 'our song' simply because they sounded good, much like how we both desired different things, but together it sounded good so it was okay.

20. You keep saying you're not worth it, but I think you're worth much more.

21. I had learned that someone else's happiness was more important than me, but you only clung to the ideal because it was right - you never lived by it.

22. The beauty you felt for my smile must have faded from your eyes with each day.

23. After we ended I tried to find comfort in someone else, but I know no one could ever love me like you could. I hope you find someone who loves you more than I could ever offer.

24. Manipulation existed in every doorway & windowsill of our love, making it difficult to flee in cause of a fire. You found a way though.

25. When I look down at these fresh cuts on my arm, one for every reason, I feel whole but empty at the same time. I'm still me, but not who I was.

26. I continue to put you first even though you'd made me last.

27. I invited you into my rib cage as a home because you had none, but you left it in shambles.

28. I numbed your pain & you enhanced my pleasure: I was like aspirin and you were ****; you reached for me when you needed me - I reached for you because I needed you. And when there was none of you to reach for left, I was left with an awful addiction I couldn't afford.

29. Feelings change but mine for you have not.

30. I have no more reasons but I want to put more down because inside I have all the reasons in the world, I'm just still trying to sort them out.

The Weekend
(The Weeknd found poem)

It's gonna be one of those nights
I'm bout to give it up like I've been holding back all night
It's really hard for me to speak right now
So I don't know what to expect from you tonight.
And I'm not tryna talk, and I'm not tryna walk
I wanna lose myself between your legs
I'm tryna kiss your neck without a word
Say it in my ear so I can hear what you're saying to me.
I promise you'll have nothing to say
You remind me of a feeling that I used to have
I wanna make your body shake
I'm tryna make you numb without a word.

Late Night Skype Calls

Absence makes the
heart grow fonder
my ex girlfriend
once told me.

But, I didn't learn
the true meaning
of that statement
until I met you.

And seeing your
face on that bright
computer screen,
traces of fatigue
in your eyes.

You said you needed
to rest, and I whined
at you, but we both ended
up falling asleep together,
1,076 miles apart.

You told me I looked
so cute as I dreamed,
but I think the
real cute thing was
closing our eyes together,
1,076 miles apart.

Because, if you think
of it, it's almost as if
we were together,
just like we want it,
without being
1,076 miles apart.

qtsp

160 days,
waiting 16 days until you come home,
maybe it's paranoia,
or i'm going insane;

but we met on 2/2,
started dating on 4/4,
2 x 2 = 4 x  4 = 16,
maybe i'm stuck on these number games;

i'm going crazy,
paranoia's eating me away,
it's like you're acid,
and you're eating away my brain.

sit down in my grandma's chair with me,
and we can stretch out our feet,
and I will lay in your lap,
and I can sing you to sleep.

I know I can't sing well,
but I know you don't mind.
all you want is to hear my voice,
and that's just what you'll find.

so let's wrap up in a big duvet,
and sit in my grandma's chair,
and I'll sing you a lullaby,
and run my fingers through your perfect hair.

when we wake up,
it'll be almost noon.
and all I'll be able to think of
is it'll be bedtime soon...

so i can go to sleep right next to you,
curling up together in my grandma's chair,
it could be anywhere actually,
as long as you're there.

but tonight, it's in my
grandma's chair.

I once knew a girl who thought death
was easier than living a mess of a life.
Her family was stained with ****,
but I told her she had to put down the knife.

She said she had no purpose, no reason
but I pointed out to her the small, pretty things
and told her emotions and feelings changed like seasons,
and happiness would come with the summer the world brings.

She believed me and started to change her ways.
She was so gorgeous when she smiled.
I could press my lips against hers for days.
She was perfect to me, my wonder child.

The girl I once knew was dead, like she wanted.
Rest in peace, she was sadder than she needed to be.
Now with a smile and happy eyes that were once haunted,
I knew this girl had to know what she meant to me.

So I told her I loved her through a text, even though
I wanted to say it in person so I could see the look on her face.
It would have been one of those smiles I love, I know.
And since then I know we've both found our place

Right by each others' sides where our smiles are the brightest.
That's where we belonged, we couldn't fight this.
I was whole when I surrendered to her with a kiss.
I finally learned the definition of eternal bliss.

-qtsp- 6/14

I woke up at two in the morning
and watched you sleep for a while
before pulling a sheet around my
body and sneaking outside, onto
the cold balcony.

I lean against the metal railing
and the fresh, cold air creates
goosebumps on my skin that
resemble the ones you had
created last night.

I hear you follow me out onto
the balcony and you stand beside
me and light up a joint, blowing
the powder white smoke into
the morning breeze.

I watch your lips form an 'O'
as you blow out smoke rings,
the same lips that kissed me
last night and left me shaking
in euphoria.

I think about how this moment
is passing by me so suddenly,
yet it means a lot when you
look at it in the morning
light.

It's your voice,
or maybe your hair,
or possibly the way,
you wear boxers for underwear.
It could be your name,
first and last,
or the tingles I get when,
you say you want to smash.
Another thing it could be,
is how I imagine kissing you.
Or how you say, “I love you,”
and we both know I love you too.
Maybe it's the thought of
you being mine,
or how, when you come home,
we can kiss all the time.
I love your good morning/goodnight texts,
The reason could be those.
Or maybe your sweetness, your intelligence,
your music taste or your stubbornness, maybe so.
Yes, your stubbornness,
sometimes it's cute, I'll admit.
Or when you deliberately try to
get my ******* wet and just won't quit.
I like when you talk all the ***** to me,
**** it gets me going.
You're fine as ****,
that gets me going.
I love b$ + qtsp = <3,
I'm not trying to be cheesy,
I try to avoid cliches,
but baby, you got my heart beating.
I love your beautiful poetry,
especially when it's about me.
You can't address envelopes correctly,
but that's okay because you're thuggy b.
Maybe it's the snapchats you send me,
or your handwriting,
or just you period.
I know you got me sighing
when I think about how it'll be
when you're finally home
where you belong
and I can give you all the dome.
I really like when you say
you're in love with me,
I could listen to it everyday.
I want to be in love with you too.
I love how we constantly talk,
so maybe that's the reason I would walk,
the 1,076 miles to be with you,
except I have college and school.
****, I can't think of anything but you.
Your cat drawings may be a reason.
Or maybe it's the summer season.
I like when you text me after not talking in awhile,
and how you fricken always make me smile.
All the letters you send make me happy,
and how good you are to me.
I love your freaking eyes,
and your mind.
The way you say “baby” or
say my name
makes me happier than
I have ever been.
I also like the feelings I get when I
read your letters,
if I'm ever sad,
I reread them to feel better.
Even if it sounds tedious,
I love how you stalk my tweets,
and when you text me kissy faces,
and when I can hear in your voice that you're getting sleepy.
And I ******* loved the night
you fell asleep with me on the phone
while I told you all the pretty things,
made me feel like you were kind of home,
you were falling asleep next to me,
and I could kiss your eyelids,
and watch you sleep so peacefully,
but it made me want you with me.
Those are the reasons I love you

I woke up at two in the morning
and watched you sleep for a while
before pulling a sheet around my
body and sneaking outside, onto
the cold balcony.

I lean against the metal railing
and the fresh, cold air creates
goosebumps on my skin that
resemble the ones you had
created last night.

I hear you follow me out onto
the balcony and you stand beside
me and light up a joint, blowing
the powder white smoke into
the morning breeze.

I watch your lips form an 'O'
as you blow out smoke rings,
the same lips that kissed me
last night and left me shaking
in euphoria.

I think about how this moment
is passing by me so suddenly,
yet it means a lot when you
look at it in the morning
light.

Your face is like a devil to me,
Eat my heart and leave me to bleed.
Hold on to my love with a dying kiss,
Cross out my eyes like that slashes on your wrist.
I've been asleep since noon,
Demons line the walls of this room.
You know what you do to me,
Leave me crying deliberately.
I'd jump out of my skin for you,
But would you do it too?

-qtsp- 6/4

a harmless monster
they called him
he's beautiful
and no stranger to sin.

he fed upon my innocence
he said i was an angel
and that we were different:
he came straight from hell

his cigarette smoke, unfiltered
clung to my sweaters and my
mother would beat me when
I'd return after saying goodbye.

we'd get high on Saturdays
and I'd tell him about
my child hood, the happier days
and I loved him without a doubt.

the day he told me
he was leaving
I sat in my room and cried;
our love had no meaning.

he promised he would write
and I believed him though
I knew he only knew how to lie
but I kept my thoughts low.

and I still waved him off
and watched his boat until
it was a dot on the horizon
and two weeks later I took a pill.

I told him I wouldn't live
without him and I kept my word,
(I only wish he had, too)
his pen would have been mightier than the sword.

when the pills didn't **** me
I killed myself with my father's
ax and said to myself only
"thank god I'm not their only daughter."

(qtsp)

You look worse
since we broke up.
Especially from the
waist up.

You face is hollow,
and the bags
under your eyes,
dark.

You look scruffy,
dead inside,
and that pleases me,
I don't know why.

Good luck,
sadness is such
a sorrowful
little thing.

Look at my lips,
eyelashes,
hands,
and hips.

And slowly,
remember,
sorrowfully,
our last kiss.

-qtsp- 5/23

you are the sound of
the ocean kissing the
shore.

you are the pleasure of
back massages when I'm
sore.

you are the tenderness of
light kisses on my cheeks in the
morning.

you are the smiles on
my face when you say
good morning.

you are the warmth of
your sweater on me in
winter.

you are the hero who
takes time and removes
splinters.

you are the freshness of
a drink of cool ice tea in
summer.

you are the dim light in
a stranger's window, leaving me
somber.

you are my love
you are my air
you are my time.

you are my laughter
you are my rain
you are my sunshine.

you are my blanket
you are my kisses
you are mine.

Angelface

Hold me
like you should
have been
three months
ago.

Kiss me
like you would
have in
February
though.

Hold my
hand and whisper
sweet things
like I
want.

I've wanted
you for so
long and
now you're
here.

Please stay
for as long
as
possible
angelface.

-qtsp- 5/20

i always tell
myself to take
a structured
approach to this
writing business
but how do you
structure and
organize ideas that
are scattered about
your mind with one
common relation:

you.
you are that
common idea,
the thing that keeps
my fingers sweeping
across the keyboard,
pressing all the keys
that'll make the beautiful
words pour out, but they're
only as beautiful as you are;

you are so beautiful
to me, there is not
a doubt in my mind
that you are the most
gorgeous ******* the
Earth, which is why,
when you fall asleep
with me on the phone,
I listen to you breathe
and sleep for a few seconds
before saying goodbye.

now at eleven forty
i listen to lana del rey
in my bedroom, diet
mountain dew, and
the song has no relevance
to you, but it reminds me
of how i feel about you.
do you think we'll be
in love forever?
(qtsp 2013)

He used me. And after being broken by you, and being the most vulnerable I've ever been, I thought laying my heart on my sleeve would cause someone to sympathize with me. I was just trying to occupy my time, and I ****** around and thought maybe I could be happy.

Of course he used me. The only person who never used me was you, and you still left. Why did I ever think I was worth anyone staying.

15 Days & Counting

To pass the time
that I have to wait
I read street signs
and count the miles
between the states.

I hope when you arrive
I'm enough for you
I hope you still feel alive
I know that I can make
these hopes come true.

So now it's only fifteen days
which is still a lot and it's still
about two months late
but I can handle the hesitation
because I have the power and will.

When you come to me for the first
time on June 26th, I promise
to kiss you until my lips hurt
and I promise that everything I said
in this poem is completely honest.

I love you with all my heart
Angelface, you've made it all worth it
I hate the times apart
we had to spend, but that time
wasn't enough to make me quit.

Here we are, four months down the line
after the first official moment we met
(disregard the first not-so-happy time)
I was happy that day, it was the best
but, with you home, the best hasn't came yet.

-qtsp- 6/11

I am
forever
in love
with you

because
you make
my lips
smile

and you
give me
happy
butterflies

and you
know just
what to say
and when to.

You are
essential
for me
angelface.

Like I'm
a flower
and you're
my sunshine.

Five more days.
Dear god what do I want?

I think I want money,
bundles of it,
to buy you a plane ticket,
so you can come home.

Or maybe I want
something else.

Like keys to the truck,
so I can drive to you,
and take you home
with me.

I think generally
I know what I want.

I just you want home.
But that's in more
than five days;
Happy birthday to me.

I hate being happy
because it's not
natural anymore
for poetry to just
spill out of my
fingertips sadly.

But you make me so
happy that there's no
way I would give this
up just to write more
beautiful poetry.

Anything I write about
you is beautiful because
you're the most beautiful
thing in my universe.

i
don't know
why
i'm crying
but
it feels
so
right though.

like
last night
when
the tears
poured
out of
my
eyes and
you
told me
to
be happy.

i'm
always happy
just
let me
be
let
me be
sad
for just
once.

let
me live
in
this moment
and
understand why
happiness
should not
last
for eternity.

Isn't it sorrowful,
ironic,
how I fit almost
perfectly tucked
under your chin?

You're so tall;
From your head
to your toe,
I don't know
where to begin.

Except I don't
like you,
that's the irony,
the sorrow,
and that's how
this is going to end.

I wrote this for you because on this cold morning
I can't help but wish that I had woken up next to you.
You're perfectly fine sleeping alone.

I wrote this for you because last night
I was sitting on the train tracks,
thinking about it all.

I wrote this for you because I promised myself
that I was going to change for you,
but I guess I haven't changed enough.

I wrote this for you because when I look at my hands,
I can only imagine them enveloped in yours
and not standing proudly alone.

I wrote this for you because I just wanted
to be important enough in your life,
I just wanted to feel important.

I wrote this for you because I'm the only one,
the only person who has been there for you
in the last, I don't know how many, weeks.

I wrote this for me because,
now that you're gone,
I have to move on.

And I really don't want to.

I know you love me
but I know you still love her
And I guess I'm sorry
for what it's worth.

I can never be her
I never even want to try
How can I be so indirectly hurt?
Shaking with sorrow as I cry.

And the only thing left to imagine
is your hand along her thigh.
It slides down her pants and I cringe.
Why do I think these things, why why why

I would surely be a monster
to keep you away
I am just a girl but yours.
My monster wants to play.

I had work so I
took the train to
Sacramento.

There was a beauty
on the train with
red lips and a petite frame.

She sat beside me,
and called herself Lea,
and smelled of flowers mostly.

I wanted to kiss her lips
and hear her heart beat
and grab the fabric at her hips.

We both got off in Sacramento
but she went right and I went left
and that was the last of the pretty girl I didn't know.

I watched the car hit her
I rushed to her side,
but it was too late; she already died.

(qtsp)

It's been 73 weeks yet I still find myself
every now and again
   Searching through old pictures and feeling old things
that I should not be able to feel
   And I know we've both moved on a great deal in
this last year
   But I can't help but wonder how life would be
if we fell in love
   I refuse to wonder these things aloud, unless in silence
because I am not allowed to think or feel these things
   We were not meant to be, so why do I care
if our story was cut short?
   Do you still think of me?
  Of course not, we both moved on.
   Have a nice life.
   I know I will.
        - Pixie

qtsp

Where The Bad Ones Go

I'll show you where the bad ones go,
Land of nightmares and submarines,
Submerging you into the ocean of your tears,
You'll be wrapped in a blanket of your biggest fears.

The trees whisper your secrets, they see everything,
The clouds cry tears for you, but their tears, acid,
And you'll drown in their misery for your misery,
You'll forever scream, “Can't you see what you've done to me?”

The things in your dreams, imagine them,
Are now mutilated at the seams, imagine that,
And imagine that, now you're dead, dead, dead,
dead, dead, blood red, you've lost your head.

You're falling faster, you wish you hadn't been bad now,
I told you I'll show you where the bad ones go,
You didn't believe me the slightest bit, but you should,
If you knew this world like me, you'd **** yourself, you would.

End it all, end it all before it gets any worse,
But it's going to continue to hurt, you're going to continue to bleed,
I hope your fears are scary, tears are red, hopes are dead,
Don't look at me, you heard what I said.

I hope your hopes are dead.
You left me dead.
I'll show you where the bad ones go.
You left me dead.

-qtsp- 5/24

Promises pt. 2

“I promise I'll
do my best
to make
you stay.”

I knew this
already, but
I like to hear
you say it.

“I promise to
try and work
things out
instead of
being stubborn.”

I've been trying
to do that for
awhile and I
think I've got
the hang of it.

“I promise I
won't ever let
you go
to
sleep
mad or sad.”

I like that
because
I don't
like
to
be mad at you.

“You're so
good to me.
I hope you
know that.”

I hope you
know that.

-qtsp- 5/23

you said so many things,
i held close all the things you'd say:
from meaningless words to things about the day;
from i hate you to i love you in every single way;
from good bye, i'm leaving, okay;
you said so many things,
i wish you would have said you'd stay.
-qtsp- 6/15

I'll show you where the bad ones go,
Land of nightmares and submarines,
Submerging you into the ocean of your tears,
You'll be wrapped in a blanket of your biggest fears.

The trees whisper your secrets, they see everything,
The clouds cry tears for you, but their tears, acid,
And you'll drown in their misery for your misery,
You'll forever scream, “Can't you see what you've done to me?”

The things in your dreams, imagine them,
Are now mutilated at the seams, imagine that,
And imagine that, now you're dead, dead, dead,
dead, dead, blood red, you've lost your head.

You're falling faster, you wish you hadn't been bad now,
I told you I'll show you where the bad ones go,
You didn't believe me the slightest bit, but you should,
If you knew this world like me, you'd **** yourself, you would.

End it all, end it all before it gets any worse,
But it's going to continue to hurt, you're going to continue to bleed,
I hope your fears are scary, tears are red, hopes are dead,
Don't look at me, you heard what I said.

I hope your hopes are dead.
You left me dead.
I'll show you where the bad ones go.
You left me dead.

-qtsp- 5/24

Someone

It's the most
alone feeling
laying in bed
beside someone,
crying.

It's worse thinking
about missing someone,
kissing someone,
1,076 miles away.

It's the worst
when that
someone
won't be home
for another month.

So all you can do
is cry while
you sleep beside
someone,
someone
you don't love.

-qtsp- 5/20

darling i promise i tried to smile for you,
but now i've got to drink this bottle for two,
and tonight when you lay awake please don't say,
i can't wait until may
because i might not last that long.

Since you left
I spend most
of my time
sitting in my car,
listening to those
sad radio songs
that make your
heart go numb.

I only go inside
when I go to shower
and even then
I leave my car radio
on and loud so I can
hear the songs
through the window
and can cry along
with the other
broken souls.

-qtsp- 6/14