my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

i get ****** up
so i can forget the hurt
i'm sitting here dizzy
i don't know where to go

i pick up my phone
and stare at your name
but i know you won't answer my call

i'm dead asleep when you wake me up
i always answer
and you don't even say hello
you just do some ****** up ****
and hang up the phone

but tonight i won't answer
your late night calls
i won't let my heart race
to the shrills of your ringtone

my heart is racing with the pumping of my veins
the pounding in my finger tips
the hot ring of fire around my eyes
the thrill of knowing i'm ****** up
and not off of you

i won't answer you anymore
i know you don't care
what i do to myself anymore
if i'm ****** up, i'm just ****** up

just stop calling me when your girlfriends asleep
waking me from my vicious dreams
because you decided to remember me