Rooms are sort of a sanctuary--- especially for a teenager, a place to build your own world even though you feel sort of stuck there.
I took down everything in my room before I left for college 4 years ago and now it’s not so much my room but a room that I stay in sometimes.
There are still remnants of clear tape that held up posters and photos and other teenage memorabilia I surrounded myself with.
When things got boring or lonely it meant sneaking out of the house to wander around the neighborhood with friends or headphones and then eventually back in my bed staring up at the stringy lights on my ceiling.
The time I snuck out and smoked my first joint I didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh at the fact that I could almost see the community center I took swim lessons at as a kid just beyond the end of the lighter.
I think I needed someone to talk to because things got bad, but all of my feelings and energy went into obsessively building a world for myself that I could survive in despite the fact that it was hurting me.
I rearranged my reality into something bearable but destructive at the same time, because the only freedom I felt like I had then was choosing what I wanted to see.
I felt closer to these things than anything in my life; it was a world made up of memories with friends, hours and hours of music, and following some sort of fandom.
Leaving it all behind was like killing a part of myself that helped me keep going.
Somewhere down that road I realized that happiness was a choice, even though my world made of things I depended on was gone and my problems were still there.
I’m building a different world for myself elsewhere now but sometimes I end up back in this room and it feels a little empty but also the right kind of nostalgic.