Call every day, because if you don’t tell me
Every single detail of your life,
You’re a liar and you don’t love me.
I want to know who you’re dating,
What ****** you off, why your brother is being
An annoying goofball, oh did I forget to mention?
If you don’t tell me when you’re going out
You don’t want to spend any time with me
And I take that offensively.
I need your opinion on everything,
Even if you have to be brutally honest
Because if I look fat I would wanna know
But don’t tell me I look fat because
It’ll hurt my feelings and I won’t let you forget it.
Hold grudges because when we get into fights
I want to bring up things from the past that I can use against you.
We’re supposed to love unconditionally, no judgment,
But I get to judge you because that’s what best friends do.
I need to make sure I’m right, most of the time.
You’re wrong. And I get the last word.
By the way, I need 30 minutes to an hour
of your day, every day, because if you don’t give it
you’re a bad best friend who won’t make time for me.
My boyfriend is equally as important as you
But sometimes he needs extra attention
So don’t get mad when I ditch you for him or anything.
Because if you do you’re a bad best friend for not
Letting me be happy.
You need to support me even if you don’t agree with me,
Love me when everyone hates me,
Oh, and did I say, You have to be beneath me,
because if you try to beat me, you’re too selfish for your own good.
So would you like to fill out an application?