I can't ever wake up.
No words have ever rung more true.
Nothing I have ever heard, could I relate to more than those.
Because I'm afraid to fall asleep.
Afraid
Of my dreams.
Nightmares I can't get out of
I'm not allowed
I have to keep going through.
I've felt every way there is
To die
And to be hurt
I've lived a thousand deaths or more
And I can't ever wake up.

I realized something tonight, as I laid awake staring at the pages
Papers held so shakily,
Writing littering the margins
I've tried to die, and
I've hurt myself
Always trying to escape
But no matter what I try to do
I'm still around
Awake.

I hurt so deeply I can't imagine another exit
My own decision
My own plan
So I can stop my hurt.
I feel dead most times already
So what pain could death really bring?
What I realized earlier
Staring at my wrists
Awake and unafraid.
Only in my nightmares,
Can I never escape the pain.

This so called life,
Running through my veins
All of my choices, all my love all my pain
Everything I give
And the nothing
That I gain
All the silent screaming, and torment it's all in vain.
Because I realized I'm in a nightmare.
And I know there's no escape.

I'm trapped in every nightmare
I'm afraid to go to sleep
I stay awake for days
And I pray when I do sleep
That I'll have some regular dream some
Normal scene
Where I'm not afraid and alone
Not stuck
And forced
To do it on my own.

I realized no matter when I am
No matter what I try
No matter if I stay awake
I'm so far from alive
Time being a mess and me
Trying to make sense trying not to break
Getting confused and stuck
And sniffing and smoking and drinking away my dreams
Nightmares chasing me.
I figured it out.
I can't ever wake up.
Because I never left the nightmare.

And I can't
I can't ever wake up.