If I write, I don't exist. I'm simple code in a simple form I am the words your brain will scan I'm part of the machine. Someone told me once that I kept the relationship together. Said that if I didn't text first, that if I didn't put the effort to communicate we'd be nothing I'm tired of being the one that does it I'm so tired of caring so much for people that would never care in a fractioned metaphor of my feelings Maybe like leaves you'll slowly drop from me bits and pieces, slowly but surely and I'll be left bare. Perhaps in the slow form, it'll be easier to handle I'll know its coming I'll let go before you release. BUT IT'S JUST ONE DAY, J no nononononono. No, it is not It's every day. You don't care. I think that it's time for me to do the same WHAT AM I DOING? I'll ask again what? am I doing? I can't remember. I had a plan for this, I had to have had a plan for this it had a story the ending wouldn't just cut off. I must keep going. help If I down a few more melatonin, I'll fall asleep eventually. BUT WHAT IF YOU RESPOND DURING THAT TIME? I DONT CARE I DONT CARE The latter is the convincer I'm much too manic to listen much less understand. I think that I'm severely depressed. These episodes need to stop. I wish that I could smell things. I wish more than anything that I could smell things. that way I'd find some comfort in her jackets. they're physical. here, they cradle my body and though it is my movements they rock me to existence. I wish I could smell so that I could find some sort of security in describing to you exactly what it means to smell you. Given that I can't talk Given that I can't smell too It all feels pointless. I miss things that I never get the chance to comprehend. I miss whatever it feels like to realize you love me I miss waking up in your arms, too but I know what that's like I miss it a lot. I don't get hugged a lot or touched a lot at least not in a good, loving way I don't get told I'm beautiful even if my hair is a mess and my morning breath burns away wills to live I don't curl up in peoples arms and trust them with my being I don't wake up without nightmares flooding an already drowning mind until you until those nights with you and being away from that was torture. I have hated every night since then. I'm overflowing with these ANTAGONIZING wants to be back against you. the sleepy arm misses compression half-awake eyes miss the blurry form your good mornings kiss into me. I love you. I love you and I'm okay- I'm better now writing that. I'll be fine eventually. but I can't just keep holding up the world the relationship in hopes you'll give me a hand when you feel like it. So goodnight. Because you still haven't responded. and at this point? I'm not surprised. I'm just ...