sometimes
though I suppose I should say often
taking into consideration that
I cannot go a single day without
feeling this way
but once again that won't accurately describe
because this issue that I'm having
is not feeling anything
so let's say
experiencing this.
I cannot go a day without
knowing this exists
which is funny really because
I'm not really sure i exist
Which sounds funny
or maybe absurd
but I get to this awful point at night
when I'm alone, see, I think being alone is the trigger
where my vision is blurry
and clear
and I rock yet I don't move
am I typing?
or am I watching someone else type
or am I imagining someone else type
thinking
hoping
wishing
I too were alive
what
where
who
am I?
I'll listen to songs on repeat
I'll sway and
tune in and out
of the mood to sob
or to dance and scream
or to freeze, and be nothing
except whatever I am
or am not.
the air
grips my arms
or whoever owns these arms
and goosebumps are left in the ghost's wake
ROXANNE
you don't have to put on the red light
ROXANNE
you don't have to put on the red light
ROXANNE!
YOU DONT HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT
ROXANNE!!
you
Don't
have
to
put
on
the
red­
light
ROXANNE
Ro
this is the song that I've been listening to for the past
well who even knows
I want to say hours
but the concept of time leaps around me carelessly.
I like the music, I like the sound of his voice
I like how it brings back childhood memories of singing it in my mother's car
though I only knew how to sing "Roxanne"
and honestly as long as I said it every other word
I was doing pretty good.
and
yeah
maybe it has something to do with me
something deep about who I was
and who I am now
comparing the differences
talking about what I'm mean to be, who knows.
it just
feels right
to listen to right now.
I'll get tired of it eventually.
i don't have the mindset to really be able to
explain why I love this so much.
I used to want something unique for my children
or at least something uniquely spelled
I wanted their future teachers to look at their names and say
"what the **** is this."
maybe it would single them out
but they'd be something entirely new, wouldn't they?
one of my best friends is having a baby girl
my friend and her husband are naming her Honor.
I used to want to name my girl
Hasel
like Hazel, but with an "S"
But I'm sure I'll use that name for ferrets
Haesel and Baesel
now I'm thinking I like the letter "R"
my biological dad won't like it
we all have to start with the letter J for him
maybe they'll have my last name
maybe that will be enough for him
so now I'm thinking
I want to name two of my children
Roxanne
Rhiannon
but I'll change the spelling
it just feels real pretty right now.
or maybe Jolene.
Sydney likes
Nala and Lydia
Nala Roxanne Collins for Sydney's last name(or Scott for mine)
Lydia Rhiannon Collins(or Scott)
or something along those lines.
those sound real pretty actually.
Am I typing still?
who am I?
i wish I could just go a day
without wanting to **** myself or
god
I'm so tired of feeling sad.
I'm thinking that this is sad
or numb
or somewhere in the middle.
I'm just
in and out right now
i think this hurts.
but I'm trying.