Maybe my mother and my stepdad were happy once. but that was a time where they still thought it was freedom to be out of a household as I'm thinking now. there was a time where they could look into each other's eyes and think This is who I want to spend the rest of my life with I want to hate him. I want to hate him when his hands are on her, on me on us. I want to hate him when he tells us that he doesn't love us when he says he doesn't love my mother that he's going to take my sister and brother his kids he says and leave. I want to hate him when he tells me that I'm not his. He's not my dad. He's not my other sister's dad either. that my mother's a ***** that he'd rather **** his cousin than look at my mother again. We're nothing to him I want to hate her when she tells him to leave, too when she keeps talking spitting on him telling him that he's worthless that she's cheating twice as much as he is when she tells us that it's our fault he's mad our fault their marriage is failing. our fault. I want to hate her when she leaves us alone with him and comes back to my strongest sister in tears asking her why she's crying "like a little *****" I want to hate her when she breaks down because he's now been gone for six hours and we don't know if he's coming back. but I can't hate them for long, because maybe they're right. it's probably our fault. I know they were in love once. when I was young, and his kids hadn't been born yet and I was living with my grandfather and grandmother with Lilly and Cherish that was a time where he could be with her alone always. they were in love with each other once back when I wasn't cutting or drinking or smoking back when I wasn't thinking or talking back when we were nothing but children tiny children. they were in love once, and now there's nothing. somewhere when they started falling apart, they left little string and as I grow older I find that I follow it the string leads into why they're still together, but see the string will run out eventually. "For the kids" "We can try" "we can make it work" "I'm sorry" "I love you" those all get thinner. See I think that they were in love at one time but that was before they knew each other.