I wrote this down for you
so I would remember
all the best parts we shared
the kiss within the kiss
that sweet moment
before our lips touch
a faint memory
little ghosts  dancing on
the surface of my lips
where you once belonged
I wanted to write you something
beautiful so that you would remember
that it wasn't just an illusionary concept
I conjured up in my mind
And I don't want to feel anymore
because living isn't living without you
and these headaches from the tears I've cried
are starting to deplete my energy slowly
I hate it; I hate it so much
and I can't feel you next to me anymore
curled up in your arms
I stare at the bed, and it's not the same
Can anyone hear me scream?
How can this much pain be so silent
And I wipe away the tears from my eyes
little droplets of salty memories disappear
The heat rising in my chest up and down my neck
from holding my breath
And the release isn't enough
nothing is ever enough
because living isn't living without you
and I thought I was fine, but I don't
sleep the same anymore, and my heart
aches when I hear your voice
my knees still get weak
I feel everything and nothing all at the same time
And I thought I was so sure
I didn't have to spend time looking for someone
anymore
I thought you were it  and so I stopped trying to find
something I already had
I know why you did what you did
but ****** if  I'm not still angry with myself
even though you told me I was enough
somehow I don't believe one bit of it
In the end, I was just another distraction
from your wounded, barely healed heart
I feel so used, but I can't fault you for hurting
and I can't be angry with you for the decisions you made
in the end, you did what you did for yourself
I wish these tears would somehow erase these
new marks I've acquired on my fragile heart
but they just dry up and start again
If only I drowned in them
maybe I wouldn't have to deal with this pain
and the realization that you were never mine
but I'll always be a little bit yours
©2020 Christina Jackson