It's 11:05pm
I'm just leaving your new home
Driving 57 miles back to mine
And the dark blue sky
Reminds me of that chilling water
And the bright clouds reflecting the city lights
Reminds of those waves
I was running towards them as fast as I could
To feel like the wind was taking me with it
To break the heavy chains of our pain
We had lost touch with being alive
We were zombies holding eachother's rotting minds
But in this moment,
You were taking pictures of me
Emotions filling my face with color again
And I was free, euphoric
Escaping my mind to feel the ocean
Did you feel that too?

Do you remember what it was like
To feel love
Be loved
To know our love?
Even if it only lasted for a short time
I would do anything to feel that again
It's unlike any I've felt before
And still have yet to find again
I thought I found it once
But then manipulation carved my heart out
And I remembered you:
How good you were
How sweet
How humble
How delicate you were with me

You were so vulnerable
So new to the world
And when we got together
You didn't get somebody
Who had a fresh start like you
I had been broken
Again and again
There was so much scar tissue
That I didn't believe I could be wounded
But I was wrong
And when I started to bleed
You watched it drain out of me
Become infected
And you couldn't stop any of it
But I knew you still loved me.

How did it get so bad?
My emotions were screaming
How long did this go on?
I couldn't see what was happening to you
Until you reached that breaking point
With me in my bedroom
When did it start?
Was it gradual?
Did it sneak up quietly?
So you couldn't see it coming?
You couldn't love anything anymore
You became numb for months
You were losing pieces of yourself
As I was building my puzzle again
You fell further away from reality
As I sought connection and found it
You lost touch with yourself
What you wanted
What you needed in life
I think that destroyed you
And your innocence
And your ability to love
How did I not see the magnitude of your pain?

When I texted you
You said you were good
But when I saw you
You couldn't lie to my face
I wondered
Who had checked in with you last
To see how you were doing
Now, the scar tissue has formed once more
After all the hard work I did
I had hoped so much
That you were doing okay too
When I told you how well I was doing
You started crying
I wasn't sure if that was because
You were happy for me
Or you realized how broken you still were

Hug me again like you did in the shed
I haven't felt that since I saw you last
And I know if you said that
It wouldn't mean the same thing
Because I'm the only one
You've ever really touched
And to think you spent your entire childhood
Never being touched
I used to get so frustrated
Because you wanted my touch all the time
But it never was enough or what you wanted
And later I realized
How could you have enjoyed it?
You were numb entirely

Driving back home is torture
It feels like Olympia all over again
All I want is to be in your arms
Snuggle me tightly in bed
Be my home again
This long dark road
Is lightened by stars
And I still remember
My fingers tracing your warm skin
The constellation of freckles on your arm
The intensity of your hugs
I never wanted you to let go
So I let go instead
8 months ago
And how I wish you were still my home