When I close my eyes press the heels of my palms into the sockets, push them into my skull ever so slightly, the phosphine images dance even in utter darkness. Sometimes the colors are cold- purples splashes like deep buckling bruises on skinned knees, heart blue of a stormy sea, gray ash covering a consumed funeral pyre. Sometimes they are warm- crimson reds flash with dull orange, a yellow hue to soften the background, a golden brown like the sun beaming on slick mud.
The lids closed over my crater eyes lips parted as I just experience the sensation of being nothing and everything all at once. And when I remove my hands, open my eyes, I feel infinitely different but the same. Everything and nothing has changed a fundamental feeling inside has gone away but only just emerged.
I look at myself in the mirror and do not recognize who stares back, but have never imagined her differently. My face doesn't quite look like mine, like there used to be some other consciousness inhabiting the expanse of my skull like a different heart beat inside my pericardial cavity. My fingers look too short, my hair too long, my nose not squishy enough but I remember feeling the locks of my hair between my too short fingers, remember scrunching my not squishy enough nose at smells not satisfying I remember feeling every inch of my skin even if it seems too warm or too bumpy I recall placing my hands on my hips when displeased sticking my too wide tongue out batting my too clumpy eyelashes.
Running my tongue over my teeth the smooth pearl-like bone feeling the jagged points of my canines and fainty remembering moving a salty, chalky pebble around my mouth twisting it with the tip of my tongue slightly biting on the surface the friction of stone on teeth jarring and I spat it out the saliva covered pebble striking the ground leaving my spit to absorb into the Earth a little peace offering to Mother Nature.
I have always been of this universe the material of stars coursing through my tiny veins and capillaries. My nerve endings like nebula just beginning to take form my eyes like swimming in a galaxy of green and yellow and gray my stomach acid like the uninhabited surfaces of lifeless planets outside of our solar system. The thoughts in my head like the ever-expansive space us humans peer into when we stargaze, our wonder at the falling stars how we find the depthless dark of infinity beautiful and terrifying.
I have watched many things burn stared at books disappear into dust observed as bonfires go up in flame and smoke but nothing will burn quite as bright as intensely white-hot as the hunger in my eyes.
this is also posted on my Instagram, @poetrypeyton