i have found that my head goes too deep.
i can’t stop thinking about how sad it is that every single day i will keep waking up.

right now i’m sitting in my car
going on three hours.
it’s raining.
it is currently 12:23am
and i can’t get myself to go inside.

most people’s heads are
similar to
rivers
or lakes
or ponds
some deeper than others depending on who.

it’s much easier to see the bottom of shallow waters.
it is also much easier to stay afloat
and usually you’re closer to an edge.

the deeper it gets,
the harder it is to see through
and the longer it takes to get to a shoreline.

i tend to drown in the ocean of my mind.

i think one reason why the ocean appears beautiful is because of the mystery of what could be below.
also because the reflection of the sky on the water is simply incredible.
we all reflect normality, which is the sky.
it’s still beautiful but everyone can see it by just glancing up.

but most people can tell that there is more to us than just what reflects off the water,
but they don’t know what.

often times people are terrified but also incredibly intrigued by a mystery.

us with deep minds are often seen as beautiful,
we tend to make beautiful art because we have so much beneath the surface.

so many undrawn pictures
so many lyrics not written
so many movements not choreographed

people love to see us trace the shadows that are deep in our minds.

we paint theses things hoping that then maybe - just maybe - they could get it.
or at least part of it.

we create art so people can see pieces of things that they don’t see for themselves
and things that they can’t see from above the surface,

the surface of the water.
the surface of our head.

it’s dark when you go deep in the ocean
harder for the sun to reach
like my mind.

it has spots where the light reaches
but also areas that have never seen the light of day.
it can be scary and disorienting.

i honestly want to die.

but no matter how hard the day is,
i still wake up tomorrow.
we will all most likely make it to tomorrow.

that’s all we’ve ever done,
or else we would be dead.

sometimes i wish my mind was a body of shallow water instead of a complex ocean.
it would be so much easier to understand and be understood.

but i don’t have a simple head.
so i will keep writing **** that doesn’t make sense to anyone and i will keep waking up tomorrow.

i have yet to not make it to tomorrow.
i find is so sad,
and i’m still struggling at coming to terms with it.