I need a win.
Just to feel like I'm not scrabbling.
Just to feel like I'm not being dragged by undercurrents,
knees and palms ****** as they scraped against the sand.

I need a win
Just to feel like when I open my mouth,
something comes out,
something that resembles my voice, and not
flies rattling around my ribcage.

I need a win,
Just to feel like my mind isn't imploding on itself,
full Big Brother, each whisper a shout,
each sigh a taunt,
each silence deafening.

I need a win,
Just to feel like my lips aren't sealed
with duct tape and industrial glue,
like I'm not being thrown into the river,
hands tied to my back,
pockets filled with rocks
and lungs full of blood,
because even in drowning
I can't get it right the first time.

I need a win,
because I've been on such a long-running losing streak
That I feel like I should get a **** Guinness world record
For 'most pathetic'.

I need a win,
because every time I stumble,
the pavement seems to be more forgiving.

I need a win,
because otherwise,
losing becomes normal.

Life is a constant battle,
And I sometimes think
that, at this point,
it may very well be my last.