Jul 2019
Im sitting In an office that smells like spearmint. staring at my fraying shoelaces;
I hold my breath as my vision turns foggy, my chest tightens-
Trying to resist the urge to puke.
A man I hardly know asks me to remember
A week that I would give anything to forget
Red reminds some of pain; bloodshed, red was the color I felt
I can feel blood draining from my face and my heart sinking to my feet
Do you think its irony that red is the color of love?
I remember that ordinary tuesday when the sun set,
And a moment where it felt like neither of us would rise again.
A week of pouring all the wishes I never made and 11:11s I’d saved out to the universe
Wishing you would be back the next day
Once you'd told me I was everything
If everything couldn’t save you what else could?
Memories flood all the cracks in my brain, the ones that deepened after days without sleep
I feel my heart fall crack through the floor as my tongue scrambles to find the right words
Tears stream down my face
As I sit in a navy painted counseling office, once again flooded with guilt
The week you disappeared
Even if I tried
I really don’t think I could ever forget the day I got a call from a number I didn’t know
those words that echo through my head and still ring in my ears sometimes when its late and it feels like parts of the world have faded
the words that I’ll never forget:
cracked English painted over poor signal; almost like some fifth dimensional language
“Fremont hospital
your friend is on the line”
I think the color of confusion would be blue
Not a crystal sky blue but more of a foggy dusk color blue, the one that looks like theres a different color underneath
if you look hard enough
So many questions I wanted to ask and so many things I knew you wouldn’t say
When I finally got to talk to you
I don’t think im poetic enough to truly describe pain
But let me assure you when I say that I felt it
I didn’t know why my voice cracked and my hand felt like a sparrow in flight
Your words were coated in honey but they felt like a dagger
You said you were okay— of course you weren’t
You said it wasn’t my fault—I knew it was
You said you missed me and the food was bad and you said
You only got 10 minutes on the phone.
You said you wanted to leave.
You said you had a dream about me and it was the best part of being there
The line clicked dead before I could tell you I love you
It felt like you handed me a loaded gun, pointed it to your head
and I was the one who tried to pull the trigger; I was the thing that tried to end your life and
not a half bottle of extra strength aspirin
I realized we were on different ends of the solar system
it’d been 4 days for you but it felt like years for me.
I clung to my phone which was still buzzing a dead line
in search for the fragments still left of your presence
hoping if I held on hard enough you’d never let go
Too Many nights I spent drained of sleep and searching for the stars that felt too far away
Because I hate losing and I thought I’d lost you
I hold my breath as my vision turns foggy, my chest tightens-
Trying to resist the urge to puke.
A man I hardly know asks me to remember
A week that I would give anything to forget
Red reminds some of pain; bloodshed, red was the color I felt
I can feel blood draining from my face and my heart sinking to my feet
Do you think its irony that red is the color of love?
I remember that ordinary tuesday when the sun set,
And a moment where it felt like neither of us would rise again.
A week of pouring all the wishes I never made and 11:11s I’d saved out to the universe
Wishing you would be back the next day
Once you'd told me I was everything
If everything couldn’t save you what else could?
Memories flood all the cracks in my brain, the ones that deepened after days without sleep
I feel my heart fall crack through the floor as my tongue scrambles to find the right words
Tears stream down my face
As I sit in a navy painted counseling office, once again flooded with guilt
The week you disappeared
Even if I tried
I really don’t think I could ever forget the day I got a call from a number I didn’t know
those words that echo through my head and still ring in my ears sometimes when its late and it feels like parts of the world have faded
the words that I’ll never forget:
cracked English painted over poor signal; almost like some fifth dimensional language
“Fremont hospital
your friend is on the line”
I think the color of confusion would be blue
Not a crystal sky blue but more of a foggy dusk color blue, the one that looks like theres a different color underneath
if you look hard enough
So many questions I wanted to ask and so many things I knew you wouldn’t say
When I finally got to talk to you
I don’t think im poetic enough to truly describe pain
But let me assure you when I say that I felt it
I didn’t know why my voice cracked and my hand felt like a sparrow in flight
Your words were coated in honey but they felt like a dagger
You said you were okay— of course you weren’t
You said it wasn’t my fault—I knew it was
You said you missed me and the food was bad and you said
You only got 10 minutes on the phone.
You said you wanted to leave.
You said you had a dream about me and it was the best part of being there
The line clicked dead before I could tell you I love you
It felt like you handed me a loaded gun, pointed it to your head
and I was the one who tried to pull the trigger; I was the thing that tried to end your life and
not a half bottle of extra strength aspirin
I realized we were on different ends of the solar system
it’d been 4 days for you but it felt like years for me.
I clung to my phone which was still buzzing a dead line
in search for the fragments still left of your presence
hoping if I held on hard enough you’d never let go
Too Many nights I spent drained of sleep and searching for the stars that felt too far away
Because I hate losing and I thought I’d lost you
