You looked so dead
as you sat there staring at me and as i sat there staring back at you through red stained eyes
and wet cheeks
and a lip that I could not control.
As I just sat and sat
and sat after telling you how
I loved you
and all I wanted to do was make you
happy for the rest of my life
you just looked at me
like I was some inconvenience in your good time.
You yourself for a moment held back tears
I could see them.
Your jaw tense and your eyes hollow but filled with resentment.
I was a flat tire - a stalled vehicle on the highway of your life
your summer of love and *** and drugs and cigarettes and *****
and Europe
and here I was pouring my soul out onto the grass in front of you on the banks of the Seine and you sat there
silently
sipping your rosé as if I was the fly that had landed in it.
You were horrible
it was horrible
and I had emptied my heart in front of you like I never had before with anyone
especially you
and you told me that as well,
that this was all that you wanted to hear when we were together
and now the time came where I was saying it
and it was too late for some reason
because you had done whatever you had to do to get over me
and now it was my time
and how unfortunate for you that you had to endure it alongside me. But you didn’t endure it.
You turned your face away from me as I wept
and said you’d rather get drunk instead of hold my hand
and when we left I walked alone
behind you along the river
and watched your shadow fade away against the coming twilight
and the backdrop of the city
and my world fell apart.
I’ll never forget that night in Paris.
It was my 35th birthday.