I keep forgetting that I am me. That I am ‘Kiara’, Smart and immature and competitive and deeply flawed and conceited and shallow. With no actual purpose. A being meant to only convey emotions ‘I’ would. I keep forgetting that I can’t be reckless, I keep forgetting that I can’t be brave. That I can’t just one day decide to snap and break no matter how much I want to, So I sink.
I think of it as a dream, one I cannot escape, And do not want to escape at the same time. Pinching myself doesn’t make it any less of a dream, But I keep doing it to comfort myself. I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be me.
Sometimes, when my mind gets lost in the storm, And the thoughtless sails have broken off, I sit motionless, waiting for the next command, except I am wearing the captain’s clothes, Yet I command no one. As if my body, my being is no act of resilience, instead, a vessel I am not allowed to control.