Commitment issues This again? Yes but this time these are my words Not the labels thrown at me by exes Like arrows attempting to pierce me into place I thought it was meant to trap me But I think they just wanted me to stop To think To really evaluate myself To see the truth Im afraid of commitment.
When I've been told this in the past I read it with the understanding that Commitment issues meant I Just couldn't have or didn't want a relationship And that just couldn't be true I mean just check my track record
No, see My having commitment issues Is rooted deeply within my past These problems originate in an exciting mix of Trust issues Abandonment issues And a variety of other traumas
I am not afraid to enter relationships And I do not avoid love Actually, I am obsessed with finding love With being loved All the while trying to love another Thinking I'm succeeding While subtly sabotaging myself in the process
When I was small I did not receive the respect and care Needed to show I was loved Though my parent said they cared They didn't protect me the way they should have I had to take care of myself Look out for myself Because I was the only one I could trust
Anytime I got close to someone They'd either decide to leave Or get ripped away by outside forces I was alone a lot And not great at making friends With the abuse happening at one house And some solace found at the other I was constantly fluctuating between Hellhole and liberation All while trying to have a childhood And survive adolescence
So when they say I have commitment issues They're probably right But not for the reasons they think Not because I'm polyamorous Not because I don't want to commit Not because I don't love and Not because of who I am as a person My issues come from a long line of Different abuses by people who Were supposed to protect me But didn't
So if you think to judge me For the trouble I have with trusting you And trusting you won't hurt me Or decide to leave when I'm "too much" Understand that I did not choose to be like this I didn't choose the pain that led me to love In such a haphazard way