Regret

my memory fails me,
for i cannot recall the first time we met
the part of you that was a part of me
has submerged itself into subconsciousness

perhaps we first met in our 9th grade poetry drama class,
when you would wear a variation of your dad’s tees
your thick glasses balancing on your flat nose
perhaps it was at the benches where your eyes first met mine

i cant remember what your favorite song was,
you had so many
i should remember more things about you
yet my head puts a helmet on to keep me from the truth

the audio recordings on my phone are not you anymore
you’re someone different, someone new
i think its a better you, but i can’t be certain
our souls are magnets of similarity, repelling each other

all i recall about you is the happiness bubbles provided you
how you said they made you happy
even when you stood on your 18th story balcony
saying you wanted so desperately to just jump

your voice has changed
its deeper, it cracks more now
it sounds nothing like the boy i once knew
who intertwined his hands and lips with mine

please remind me of our first date…
why can’t i remember it? why can’t i recall it?
i can no longer recall the day i said sure,
only that it was in april, and i was a fool, and you were a joke

we broke up 3 months before our first anniversary
before i broke it off
and broke you

i still remember my fake tears,
and your very real ones
i remember afterwards, this feeling of relief
should i have felt something different?

i feel guilt for not feeling anything
should i have force felt something? anything?
anything other than the feeling of a bird freed from its cage?

the words we exchanged whisper themselves into oblivion,
the “i love you’s” empty and devoid of meaning.

should i have pitied you like i did those nine months
should i have let you crawl inside me again?
just a momentary comfort, a twisted way to show my love?

i will remember these events,
as i was your first lover,
and you were my last