That word brings me back
to crouching behind my grandma’s couch
listening to my uncle yell at my cousin
that she couldn’t go to her friend’s uncles’ house
just because there were two of them
And I remember realizing
that my family might hurt me
if I ever came out to them

That word brings me back
to 2 am in bed
tears in my eyes
trying to convince myself
that my feelings were real
and hoping that they weren’t

That word brings me back
to walking through the hallway
and listening to other teens
spew hate and slurs
not knowing how much it hurt

That word brings me back
to sitting in a church I had never been in
listening to the pastor preach and yell
about how God hated
and I felt all my future plans of coming out
go down the drain

That word brings me back
to reading hundreds of news stories
about how people like me were killed
just because they were different
and wanted to love and exist
in a way that was different

That word brings me back
to hiding books I wanted to buy
from my parents view
just because the characters
were LGBTQ

That word brings me back
to so many different places
and all that they have in common
is that they cause me pain
so I’m sorry that I don’t think
that slurs can be reclaimed
especially when you still use it
in a derogatory way