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Feb 2018
all too frequently
there are days
you could spew the most blatant lies
“George Washington never existed”
“Two plus two is twelve”
“I love you for you”
“There’s no reason to rebel”
and I’d believe you
It’s not that I’m gullible
it’s that I’m stubborn.
I have to be right
but I’m full of self doubt.
So when I can’t believe my thoughts
and I think I’ve forgotten my name
you can tell me I’m bad
and I’ll take all the blame.

I know nothing.
I believe not at all.

I could recite you
all the qualifying characteristics
in the diagnostic statistical manual volume five
for depression
and narcissistic personality disorder
I can explain clinically
chemical dependency
and I can recite the twelve steps from memory.
Hell, I remember some math formulas
and my teacher’s name from fourth grade
but say “tell me about yourself”
and all certainty will decay.

I know nothing.
I believe not at all.

Karl Marx said religion is the ***** of the people
I never believed in god
maybe that’s why I turned to the needle.
You’ll say everything happens for a reason
which in my proper mindset I won’t believe in
but blaming my overt destruction
on third party destiny
I know deep down is false,
but so comforting to believe.

I know nothing.
I believe not at all.

Did I love you?
Did I even feel at all?
It doesn’t even matter
it was still me that took the fall.
I still have no self-assurance
or any concept of who I want to be
no god, no friends, I beg no lover
will figure this out for me.

Maybe this is who I am,
metamorphosing ghost
with a crooked smile
shaping who I am today
knowing it'll all be gone
before I can say
I know
I believe
what my brain is telling me
not so desperate to please
no longer begging on my knees
for the false ideal of certainty
because I’ll know
I know with confidence
the simple facts;

I know nothing.
I believe not at all.
Caidyn
Written by
Caidyn  17/F/Ohio
(17/F/Ohio)   
  331
   kieran dacey boylan and T R S
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