They said when I go to college
My bubble will burst

At first, I didn't believe them
The parties and the alcohol were always out of site
The gangs and drugs too far for me to smell

Then one day it burst
I didn't feel it, like I thought
I thought, it would feel like cannonballing into a freezing pool
On the first day of summer

It was silent
Still
Like the moment after an inhale
Or a scream

After a student cries out
There's an active shooter
I didn't feel him knocking on my door to let him in
Instead, he crept around, found the hole in the fence

In that instant, my fragile walls
After years of carefully building
Crumble

The stranger sitting next to me
Now my brother, sister, in my home
Their faces of shock forever etched in my brain

The school is in lockdown
The blue bubbles of worries sent into space
Hoping something other than bad news will return
I could hear all the prayers being sent to heaven

I was sitting in the back row
Of the largest lecture hall on campus
I do not know if this killer wants to go out with a bang
If he did, this would be his target

Filled with eager, or bored, biology students
I never got this manuel
I do not know how to protect myself from a  machine gun

The mass of officials reporting words that used to feel foreign
They would never enter my world
But here they are, next to my forgotten socks
And broken promises
Shooter. Gun. Death. Blood. Knives.
Unsafe.
Unsafe.
Unsafe.

My brother is still asleep
Across the country
Full of turkey and thanks
Never of shock or horror

Once the news comes out, that it was
Just a car hitting people
Just a knife stabbing
Just injuries
Just hospital visits
Just one death
Just the culprit

Why do I feel relief
When my classmates were hurt
Yet I am releasing my breath
Somehow a car running over students
A knife stabbing friends
Was a relief to me
Because these deeds done by a monster
Are less than a gunnman
Why

If he had waited
Got stuck in a traffic light
Two minutes more
It would have been me

Every day I count my blessings
My bubble is still healing
It will reopen again soon
The memories will always be fresh

It is days like these that I am reminded of why
On that day back then
I was so scared to be in one of my favorite places
A school should never be a memorial

I wish I could reach through my LED screen
Tell the victims
I know
I know
I feel your feelings
I recognize those silent prayers
I too, have sent them myself
I too, will never forget the fear

I know this day will forever haunt you
It's pain will never cease
I hope I can help you rebuild your bubble
To make you a little more full