Get a job says every family member or friend I've ever had.

Get a job says depression, mocking me and taunting me while holding the words my family said to me over my head.

Get a job says mom at 7pm when she walks in the door from work, not even asking me how my day was.

Stop being lazy and sitting around all day, it's time to grow up.

Mom, I'm trying to explain to you what it's like to wake up at 10 and lay there in bed until 12:30.

I'm trying to make you comprehend what it's like to eat your first meal of the day at 4 in the afternoon when it should've been at morning.

Half the time I eat just to make you not see how broken I am, to pretend to be someone I really never was or am.

Mom, I eat my feelings because I'm too afraid to say them and all that food is just me trying to fill in the holes anxiety left when she tore through me.

Mom, I'm not lazy!

I'm exhausted and embarrassed and I've carried this shame and guilt and blame for as long as I can remember.

My brain is wound up in chains and soon nothing will remain

Mom do you understand?

I'm a stranger living in the skin of my own body, just a lifeless ghost smiling and making appearances to please everybody.

Mom, I'm tired.