You ask me why
Why i do this
Why I push people away

I am broken simply put
The jagged pieces of my heart
Pierced my lungs
And I can't breathe
I can't talk without
Rasping breaths
And choking on sobs
Because I'm just not
What I'm supposed to be
And I don't think I ever will get there

My body is lying cold and empty
At the bottom of a cliff already
And only my ghost haunts
The people still around
Trying to postpone the discovery
Trying to protect them
Because if they knew
They would drown in guilt
And I don't want to be
Another source of suffering
Everybody has problems
They all are struggling
To find the light in their lives
And I wanted to help them
I wanted to be the light
But if I am the light
And I go out then
All they have is darkness
And I dont want
That to be my only imprint
On the world

I dont want to be close
Because I am afraid
I'm afraid of how broken I am
And that I will always
Be a problem
That I will always be
Too much
And that I will be the one
Who drives everyone away
But only once I'm attached
So that once they leave
I can throw myself
At the wall of silence
The bricks of apathy or anger
And shatter my poor heart and soul
Who cannot stand up against
My sinister deadly brain

I push people away
Because people have stabbed
At me in small ways
Over the years
Slowly eroding my sense
Of self until I surrendered
And started stabbing myself
Trying to make them feel better
Because at least one of us should
Have some semblance of happiness
Even if it is spiteful happiness
In the world of greed
And I don't know how to stop
And how to save myself
I taught myself to be a sacrifice
For others and
That's all I know how to be.

I run away from people
Because I was never a first choice
Or even really a choice of theirs at all
I simply existed in their life
Sometimes reminding them
Of someone else more important than me
And I was convenient
So they could take what they want
And disappear into the noise
While I waited to be noticed again
By those most important to me

Eventually I got tired of waiting
I wanted attention yes
I wanted to be heard
And understood and
I want people to stop being angry
With me, I'm trying to be the best I can
I want people to stop wanting
Me to change for them
To let me be happy and
Affectionate and sharing
And be appreciated for it
To light them up as much as they do me
Or when it's just too much, to be sad
And close and comfortable
Without feeling like a curse
And needing the broken to simply go away
Because it is too much for them
I want to stop feeling like I don't
Belong around people
But I don't know how
I never was normal before
And I don't know how to start now.

I broke my ability to believe
In new people months ago
Maybe years ago
And now I just CAN'T feel
Attached to new people
I just want them to go away
It's more energy than I have
To build new ones, and there's
No trust, no belief, no hope
In the new ones as much
As I like you, I can't CARE
Anymore and it's better
Because I don't want you
To think I care when I don't
I've had that done to me,
So I will push you away
Before it really matters
I'm sorry for even trying again
And tying you up
In my tangled up mess of emotions

I want to fix the few I can still feel
But I can't, I can't, I can't
All of them are fading away
And there's no way I can move on
Till I resolve at least one of these
Messed up **** ups of mine
And I really really need that
To just be okay
Because I can't take one more
Person that I messed up on
Or the knowledge that I might
Not be a poisoner
But the poison itself
And I'm so sorry
But please leave