I get them so bad these days.
Alcohol gets me going and your touch keeps me floating.
Genuine smiles surface and the happiness I keep locked down below begins to bubble.
A tranquil explosion of vivid pastels paint a foreground in my eye.  
Everything seems to make more sense.

It always ends, I've sobered up and you didn't stay.
The happiness that just barely began to bubble now turns to trouble.
I've depressed to find myself lonely, empty and stray.
Is this who I really am without stimulus, without catalyst?
Is it you I'm missing or something more fundamental.

How do you find happiness you desperately need when desperately searching for happiness is so unattractive.

That inescapable fact that when you need it the most it's nowhere to be found.

I'm not fine when it all stops. When it all starts rolling off the edge just as I'm reaching for it. When I'm not able to squeeze a smile worth of happiness through the gates - I'm not fine.

I have withdrawals from my own happiness.