Me?

That can't possibly be right.
I never planned on being this kind of crazy, but I don't hate it. This is not what we expected and yet somehow we're okay with it.

I'm being very vague, I know. But only some of us are going to know what happened. So I don't need to shout it to the rest of the world. The rest of the world doesn't really need to know what happened to us.

I'm not afraid to die some days.

Mainly because when I do get on with living, I get caught up in being so busy that I don't have time for death.

Or maybe that death will be gracious enough not to have time for me.

I wish I knew how to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put them together without losing anything on the way.

You know that I don't belong to anyone. And that no one belongs to me, I am not one to claim anything for myself.

I think that you are awesome. And you can decide to throw that to the back pages of your life story and I won't be mad at you. I'll just decide to keep writing and maybe the book won't seem so heavy on your heart.

But even as I say all of these great things about you. I cannot tell you that I am sure of what will happen to us. You can't have me.

And I will not be able to explain why. But I will say that I feel comfortable where we are now. Held in hugs and folded away with stray sheets of paper. I don't want to lose you, but I cannot say with confidence that I can be what you want.

Because as much as I care about you. We must understand that we are single people looking for connections in the network of our closest friends and family. And we don't always find what we're looking for.

And that is okay.

So when we decide to stop.
I will still call you gorgeous.
I will still walk with you down hallways.
I will still lean on you in the worst of times
I will still call on your name.
I will still call you awesome.
I will still call you amazing.
I will still call you beautiful.

I will still call you...

And I hope you will still call me.