to be full of light again
young again
in love again
with you again...
summers with bedtime sunsets just beyond our fingertips
and blessed cold grass just below our toes
autumns with scarves to protect the wind from slitting our slender throats
and leaves crunching under clouds of visible breath
winters with snowball fights and your tongue stuck to an icicle
and craning our necks to hear hooves on the roof
springs with the rebirth and the flutter of butterflies (in my stomach)
and a flower that you tucked into the curls of my hair
now we are godless and without rules,
without boundaries and without each other
it's all one big game of make-believe out here, alone,
and i write sorry lines into the corners of my heart
and you watch me from whatever happens after this life
and i scream your name into my pillow and grow up too fast
and you laugh and send messages that you miss me
miss me miss me miss me miss--
but we're still different than who we were
and who we really are
and who we could or should or would be
innocent or
together or
happy or
careless or
anything, really, as long as we were sure of it
i wait for sunsets to remember your bright love
i feel your hand in mine again when i sing
i hope to god i see you again
i miss you terribly
these are the golden years,
making my own bedtime and wearing "work shoes" and using scarves to hide lovebites and fighting with my fists and not believing in the fantastic anymore and crying when things come back to life (because you won't) and feeling sick no butterflies and--
even still, even after all this
heartbreak and
sore-souled living and
perpetual drunkenness and
coffee addiction and
pain and
living--
even still it's worth it to be able to say i had you at all
and you remain in the palm of my hands and the hole in my heart
full of light
young
in love
you