i'm sorry
what am i sorry for?
only God knows

but i would like to know
why
you can hold a beautiful girl
so lovingly between your fingertips
when but a year ago
it was me

you never loved me
i was there to satisfy your appetite
and now whenever i come over
i panic and cannot breathe,
as if you ****** the air out of my lungs
all those months ago

you held me like you loved me
i loved you
but you just thought we would be friends
with a little extra on the side

or how about the one before that,
never meeting in person
but giving myself away
the first chance i got?

it wasn't until he told my best friend
that landing in the hospital was karma
for me being a stupid *****
and then telling me
i was still on his "bucket list"
that i realized
who he was.

or even before that,
a beautiful boy.
seven months
i mistreated him
i broke him into pieces
which can never be healed
but i still remember how cold i felt
lying there afterwards

and the most recent one
didn't even want to play,
but i somehow won in the end
i wanted to feel loved
but i didn't know how or when
to say no

i'm not saying any of this is the fault
of these people

it's actually all mine

i played to get something i wanted

and i regret it now
and wish i was still clean
like pure snow

and i'm sorry

i'm sorry for playing with fire
i'm sorry for being afraid to say no
i'm sorry for wanting to feel loved
i'm sorry for using my body
to feel something

i still freeze up when i'm scared.