its so hopeless and i'm so frustrated because i know you wanted me.. on those days i drove 30 minutes just to see you, to kiss you, and to be held so close to you to the point that if you squeezed a bit tighter id lose my breath. i could feel your eyes giving me a sunburn as i watched the television screen and id smile just to hear the words "youre so cute" come out of your mouth. Being together and pretending what we had will last for a long time, that the moment would stand still but at the same time i feel that all of it was just something for you to do on your free time, even though you deny it. i remember a tear crawling down my cheek as i watched your delicate hands making me the same sandwich you made the first day we met all because i knew this was all just going to be a memory engraved in my brain. That in a matter of time it will all just end.

i cant imagine you actually missing me when days of us not seeing each other pass by even though when that happens you send me texts saying how much you miss me, wishing you were with me, and how you hate that you cant have me. (even though its all your fault.) you tell me how you have a feeling that i have no interest in you or that i couldn't care less if we just stop speaking but really.. that's how i feel about you and honestly, i like you way too much; i'm afraid it will scare you

it hurts knowing that in life people come and go all the time. That at any moment you will just be a memory. it hurts knowing that one day you'll just think that i was fun while i lasted but that you never wanted to make me officially yours. you'd only ask me if i was yours when we were on your bed. i want to matter more to you, more than just a text at 3 am telling me how you wish i was in bed with you and how you're thinking of me. i want texts at 7 pm saying you want me to get all dolled up to show me off at dinner. But its selfish and unfair of me to want you to see me as something more when you actually don't, but its okay, even if you would have extended your hand to hold mine i don't think we could have gone as far as i hoped for. i loved us together, i loved our connection, i loved our chemistry just as much as you did.

but i'm excited to hold a girls hand who wouldn't want to let go until its time to let go. i'm glad i haven't been careless with my heart even though i allowed your fingernails dig deep into my heart but i've finally pushed you away and now the holes are bleeding out but ill be okay. they will soon turn into scars.

next time i know not to give all of me to someone who never asked for all of me in the first place..

j.f //j.v